The coincidence that my child would probably give me an "F" for the day if she was asked to grade me and that this is the time of year that performance evaluations recently occurred for most of us in Corporate America has not escaped me. Just a few short weeks ago, I had my yearly performance review at work and it was great. We put a ton of focus on customer service at my company and we are all about customer ratings. I'm great at that. No, really. I'm not being arrogant. I'm just great at meeting the needs of people and helping them understand the process. Each day, I leave work and I really feel good about the work I did and the things I accomplished.
BUT if I imagined Olivia's review of me just for today, it would be VASTLY different from the job I have where I get a paycheck. I'm pretty sure Olivia thinks my ability to meet the needs of anyone is non-existent. If I got as many complaints at my paying job as I do in this one, I'd be fired.
Really, I think the objectives according to her are too high but she'd probably, of course, disagree. It's clear she and I have different agendas for the day and I'm the only one trying to find a compromise. Should I be surprised? She's not called The Boss Lady for nothin'.
Here's how I think my review TODAY would go if written by The Boss Lady herself:
Mom,
This has been a tough day today. You were not a good listener and your attitude was poor. I've been documenting your performance today and I just wanted to share a few observations with you. The trouble started first thing this morning.
When I woke up, I did not want you to get dressed for work. I told you to lay down with me. You did not. You continued to get ready for this so-called "job" you go to every day.
I specifically requested Cheerios and a grilled cheese for breakfast but you did not give me a grilled cheese. Instead you dared to make me scrambled eggs and sausage. Get it right next time.
When I asked you to put the Barney Farm Animals movie on, you put the Barney Animal ABC's on. How was that difficult? Clearly they are different.
I told you I did not want to wear clothes to school, I wanted to wear my pj's. And yet, I showed up to school in, yep--clothes!
When you put my jacket on me, my sleeves were up. I was uncomfortable. Unacceptable. Don't let it happen again.
On the way to school, I told you MULTIPLE times that the sun was too bright and I was upset it had come up this morning. And yet you did NOTHING to remedy the situation except give me a pair of sunglasses which I could not get on my head correctly and also informed you of multiple times. From now on, please ask the sun to dim it down a bit on my ride to school. Kthanks.
I asked you to carry me into school as I did not want to walk. Next time, please do not burden me with your explanation of a herniated disk, whatever the crap that is.
This evening did not go much better for you, mom. When I got home, I asked for spaghetti for dinner and you made jambalaya. Then, when I took my bowl while you were yammering on about letting it cool down, your negligence caused me to burn my tongue severely. WHY would you serve our food so hot? I could have been maimed and I think my 45 minutes of crying about it does not even come close to explaining how upset I was.
I asked for hot chocolate, and still I have none.
I asked to play in the bath with my bath colors and you and dad told me no and something about "Blah, blah, blah, bad behavior." How do you expect me to hear what you are saying when I can't focus because my tongue was nearly burned off and I'm dying of thirst because I STILL do not have my hot chocolate?
After my bath, you decided you wanted to read books to me. Did you not hear me request 47 times to watch another Barney movie? Do we need to work on your listening skills?
Also, I very obviously requested that YOU be the one to lay down with me and not Dad. You had the nerve to tell me you were "working on some stuff." Quite frankly, what you do in your personal time is your problem, not mine.
Mom, I really hope we have a better day tomorrow. This behavior from you has got to stop if you are going to keep me happy every waking moment of every day. For now, I'm going to bed. I should be up around 8. Please have my grilled cheese and Cheerios ready.
-The Boss Lady
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