One of the things about motherhood that has surprised me a little is how much I miss being ALONE. I love Oli with my whole heart and Mike too but I never realized how good my alone time was for me until I didn't have ANY of it. From the minute I wake up until the minute I go to sleep I am doing something with or for someone and it is just pedal to the metal the whole day.
I love a fast paced life. I really didn't need *much* alone time before The Boss Lady. What I didn't realize is that the tiny bit of alone time I did need was, in fact, a need and not a want. I NEED to be alone sometimes.
Periodically, in the afternoons, something will require that I go home to get something or drop something off and sometimes I just walk through my house in total awe of the quiet. I want to sit on the couch and just breathe for a second.
My work pace has picked up quite a bit but for a while I was going out to my car on my lunch break and taking a nap or just leaning the seat back and listening to some talk radio. It was SO NICE.
On Monday, I drove to the gym and got there about 20 minutes before spin class so I leaned the seat back, turned on a little NPR, made sure the heater was set to keep me nice and cozy, and dozed off for about ten minutes. It. Was. Glorious.
This evening, I had to go to the grocery store after work and when I got there, I just sat in the parking lot in my car for like 10 minutes just reading Facebook updates. Then I strolled through the store at a turtle's pace. That little bit of time tonight was VERY nice.
I am a very social person and I love being around friends and family and I am usually the one in our family arranging the social calendar. Lately though I feel like there is not one second of my day that is not a complete whirlwind. And most of the time that whirlwind is great and I love it but sometimes I just need a minute to gather my thoughts.
When I was doing my New Year's Resolution, I even thought about adding in time in the morning for prayer or just relaxation. But that would mean I'd have to get up at 4:30 instead of 5 and I'm already exhausted most days so that won't work. And Oli INSISTS that I be the one to put her to bed so evenings are out. I'm truly not sure there is time in my day for alone time. Maybe I could *make* some but I'm just not sure where.
Like most moms I know, I don't even get to use the bathroom or shower by myself. Olivia asked me 7 times at dinner if she could sit in my lap. I said "no" every time just so I could have eight minutes to wolf down my dinner before bathtime.
And I don't think needing some down time or some quiet time is a bad thing. In fact, I'm sure there are bookoo studies out there that talk about the benefits of peace and quiet. I think moms need it so badly and most of the ones I know don't get to have any time to themselves. Dads need it too. Mike and I have talked multiple times about the importance of having some brain-activity-free time in your day. He has his in the mornings while I'm at the gym and Oli is sleeping. He surfs the internet on his i-pad, drinks his coffee, and just chills for a few minutes before getting his day started. Then I come home from the gym, see him sitting there getting the alone time I'd love to have, and like a kid knocking over another kid's sandcastle, I say something like "Were you not going to do those dishes?" Bitchy, I know. This is my public apology to my very sweet husband for that (Will someone remember to nominate him for Sainthood after I'm dead? Thanks.). I just feel so *JEALOUS* that he gets that. I don't feel guilty for needing alone time or admitting it. I just wish there was a way to actually GET it.
I have this fantasy of going to get a hotel room for just ONE night by myself. I would watch Lifetime all night or Law & Order reruns. I'd take up the whole bed to myself. I would order a pizza or Chinese food and eat it in bed while wearing the hotel robe and slippers. I would take a shower for an hour or more. And I wouldn't even have to choose if I wanted to shave my underarms or my legs. I could do both! Or neither! Then I would fall into bed and get real comfy and fall asleep. By myself. In the quiet. For a solid ten hours (Hey, I need a lot of sleep!).
Instead though, I have my car. My little haven. My little moment of alone time. So the next time you see a lady sitting her car, eyes closed, don't call the police and report a homeless person loitering in the parking lot or a dead person in their car. Don't knock on the window to make sure everything is okay. It's probably just the mom of a toddler. Hell, maybe it's me.
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