My Drunk Friend is now My Toddler

Lately, Olivia's toddler behavior has me in a constant state of deja vu. I keep thinking "This feels so familiar..." And after a night out with some friends recently, I realized why her insane happy-one-minute-crying-the-next attitudes make me feel a bit of nostalgia for days gone by.

Did you ever have that Drunk Friend in college? You know, the one who was almost always a good time but a night out with her could end in hysterical laughter or sobbing and you didn't really know which until you were right smack dab in the middle of it kicking yourself for getting sucked into her crazy antics once again.

Well, that's my daughter. Minus the alcohol, of course. I'm serious. She is that drunk friend who is laughing and cutting up and is the life of the party until some switch flips and suddenly she's Crazy Pants McGee and yelling at you for that time you let her eat an entire chocolate cake by herself after her loser boyfriend dumped her. And at the end of the night, you are just left shaking your head, thankful that she finally just passed out and you can go have a moment of peace and sanity.

Oh, but The Boss Lady is a little different than my drunk friend because I don't have to deal with it on Friday or Saturday night. Even better. I get to deal with this constant emotional upheaval every blessed day of my life.

And you know the biggest problem with that drunk friend is that no matter how many times the night ends in tears and regret, you do it all over again every weekend because when that friend is in her happy place, things are AWESOME. So, you put on your favorite skinny jeans (or when I was in college, tight black pants), grab your wallet and off you go for a night out in Coo-coo Cachoo Ville.

But now you probably think I'm the crazy one comparing my daughter to a drink-happy college chick. Allow me to show you the parallels.

Imagine this scenario from your own college days with your own Drunk Buddy:

One Friday night, you're sitting in your apartment/dorm/sorority house/wherever, contemplating a girlie movie and pizza or a pint of ice cream...oh, who are you kidding, you were gonna eat the pizza AND the ice cream. Then your phone rings and it's Captain Crazy herself. And she's all,

"Hey, want to go out and grab a few drinks tonight? Maybe we'll even do a little dancing!"

And she seems like she's in a really good mood and it all seems innocent enough so you tell her you'll meet her in about an hour then you go make yourself all pretty for all of those potential husbands who might be hanging out at the bar.

The night starts off really great! The two of you are out dancing and everybody's happy. You're out on the dance floor shaking your money maker, feeling like this night is going to turn out in your favor.

Even your friend has brought out her best moves for tonight!

But then it happens. The damn deejay plays THAT song. The song that your friend and her old high school love used to call "their song." Then before you know it, she's throwing back shots of Hot Damn and yelling at everybody in the bar,

"HE NEVER LOVED ME!!!!"

She's getting all destructive and more crazy by the minute and you realize that cute guy you've been eyeing all night is NEVER going to speak to you if he thinks you hang out with this every night,

And then you're trying to do damage control by distracting her by reminding her that he was balding or by pointing out all of the other cute guys at the bar. Or just by pointing out anything shiny in the place, just trying to make her smile.

Suddenly, Vanilla Ice starts blaring through the speakers and she jumps up shouting,

"That's my JAM!!"

while showing everyone in the place her belly button or new bra. So even though like 30 seconds ago, you were trying to keep her from polishing off an entire bottle of Rumple Mints and trying to convince her why it might be a good idea to head home while you were still ahead, suddenly you're back out on the dance floor for what she promises is "this one last song."

But you know it's not over. It's far from over. So you just chase around Lady Loco hoping she'll eventually run out of steam and let you call a cab.

You finally convince her to leave but, of course, you can't just go straight home. No, you have to stop at the gas station and get some munchies because, as she says,

"I just CRAVE sugar every time I drink."

You grab a year's supply of Skittles and Snickers and then you get her home and FINALLY convince her to get into bed. But she doesn't go down so easy. It's a battle to the finish. One second she's laying her head down and dozing off then popping up insisting that she's ready to hit the next club,

Then thankfully, she passes out.

Then you crawl into bed thinking "How in the hell did I let myself get sucked into this??"

"And what in the hell did she do with her pants??"

But you know you'll do all over again the next weekend. And whether the night ends in hysterical laughter or hysterical tears, you know you just can't get enough of that little drunk monkey. 

Um, I thought this was called The Terrible TWO's???

Well, if you don’t already know this, let me be the first to enlighten you: The so-called Terrible Two’s starts well before the actual age of 2. This is something that has become oh so clear to Mike and I in recent weeks and this new phase has me feeling even more bi-polar than ever!

Not too long ago, Olivia threw her first big public fit. We were at the zoo and it was nearing the end of the day. I had just changed Olivia’s diaper and she thought it would be cool to pull all of the wipes out of the case and litter the zoo with them. I disagreed. I took the wipes away. She made some unintelligible noise in my direction, threw herself on the ground, and started screeching. Mike and I looked at each other, looked at her, and the busted out laughing! Seriously, we laughed. Yes, we are those parents who can’t control their kid and then laugh about it. But, hey, what else can you do?

The thing is, it was really pretty funny. At one point, she looked up, realized that some lady was staring at her, turned around so she could see us again then started back up. That little trick reminded me of something our pediatrician told me when Oli was just a few months old: “Babies come out knowing how to do 5 things—eat, sleep, poop, cry, and manipulate.”

And since that fit, we’ve had several others. We usually experience one of these throw-myself-on-the-floor-and-kick-and-scream-until-mom-picks-me-up-then-I-kick-and-scream-all-the-way-to-the-car kinds of fits about once a week at this point. The fits are usually in response to something ridiculous too like when you take her dirty diaper away from her and don’t let her chew on it.

Every trip to the grocery store is an adventure when Olivia decides she no longer wants to sit in the cart (which happens about 5 minutes into the trip) and she starts kicking and screaming in the seat. Meals are pretty much the same way. When the kid is ready to get up, she’ll not only throw her food, milk, utensils on the floor, she’ll start pulling at the high chair tray until she’s allowed to go free.

There’s also this Pushing The Limits thing going on with her right now. She’ll do things that she knows she’s not supposed to be doing just to see our reaction. For instance, we have this stool in her bathroom for her to brush her teeth and when I’m on the pot and unable to get to her, she’ll get up on the stool and start trying to climb up on the bathroom counter. As I’m scolding her to stop, she’ll look right at me and laugh. Or she’ll slowly raise her leg and give me a little smirk as she does it.

On Thanksgiving Day, she was using the tv as a drum and when I told her no, she looked at me, went over and did it again. When I threatened time out, she just stood there sort of daring me with her eyes. When I turned around, my sister, sis-in-law, and mother-in-law got to witness my little angel’s devilish side when she lightly tapped the tv so that I couldn’t hear her do it. Stinker.

Then there’s the hitting. She really only does it to me. I’ll pick her up and she’ll just lightly tap me in the face. When I grab her hands and say “No,” she just laughs and freakin’ does it AGAIN! So, then our nice evening/day/whatever is ruined because she has to go in time out. All day long I count down the hours to see that kid but then have to put her in time out. That makes me sad.

And let’s talk about Time Out. Or as I like to call it: A Completely Ineffective Method of Punishment. We first started time out by making her sit against the wall. That didn’t work because my little terd child thought we were playing a new game called Sit Against The Wall Then Get Up And Down While Mom Sternly Says “Sit on your bottom!” 8 Million Times. Yeah, good fun.

Then we tried putting her in her bed for time out and she HATED that. She would scream at the top of her lungs for the full minute she was in there. And I am not kidding you that there were times that right after I got her out, she just hit me in the face again! Good grief. So we just kept putting her in time out, effectively punishing ourselves by having to listen to the insane screeching.

I’ve just felt like I am at a loss with methods of punishment for this kid. I mean, I tried popping her on the hand but that just seemed stupid to tell her not to hit me by hitting her. And even when I did that, she just kind of looked at me like “Ooh, the Hand Slap game!” I seriously do not know what to do to get through to her right now.

I mean, I’m starting to really understand those parents who just let their kids run around like maniacs. It’s takes a lot of energy to continue disciplining and teaching your child. Sometimes I just feel like throwing my hands up and just saying, “Fine, go unravel every roll of toilet paper in the house and bang on the tv until the screen is permanently damaged. Oh, and here’s a bucket of chocolate while we’re at it.”

The really awful thing is that I am a HORRIBLE disciplinarian. Whenever I try to scold Olivia she looks at me with this super serious cute face and I start laughing and I am completely ineffective. It doesn’t help that everyone else thinks it’s cute and they laugh too.

And I’ll admit that I feel really embarrassed about Olivia’s behavior sometimes. I think most parents have this fear of having THAT KID. The kid who is just out of control when you are out in public. The kid who hits other kids and forcefully takes toys away. The kid who doesn’t get invited to other kid’s birthday parties because said kid is a lunatic. I am not immune from that fear.  

It’s not that Oli is a bad kid but she just doesn’t not understand the words “No” or “Stop” and I feel like I’m that mom out in public who is constantly scolding their kid. It’s embarrassing when we are out and she immediately runs over to destroy something.

And that’s another thing! The DESTRUCTION!! What the crap is that about? I nearly lost it 2 weeks ago when she threw, and I mean forcefully threw, my cell phone down on the ground at Costco. My still-new phone is now customized with a crack that runs from one corner to the next. This weekend, as I was blow drying my hair I looked up to see her with my glasses. She smiled at me then gleefully pulled them apart.

The craziest thing is that if ANYONE ELSE spent the day with my kid, she would never act out at all! She really just pushes the limits with me and Mike. And mostly just ME! What is that about???

Then I have these moments where I think “What if this is my fault?” I mean, let’s face it; I’m not the most even-tempered individual. I, myself, have thrown my share of fits (See: Egg Wash) and part of me is freaked out that Olivia’s behavior now is a direct result of my behavior up to now. Okay, this is where all of you mommies out there assure me it’s not my fault!

And, yes, I know that this is just a phase and she is just testing her boundaries right now. And I do understand that this is all part of her growing and turning into a productive member of society but it is exhausting sometimes.

This IS normal, right?? RIGHT?!?!?

I have a child with a very strong personality and I love that about her. The thing is I’m not sure I’d know what to do with a child who didn’t have a feisty side. My kid may be the spitting image of her dad, but she’s got all of my bull headed, independent, strong willed personality.  When you have a kid with such a strong personality, I guess this just comes with the territory. And if that the other side of this coin, then I guess I’m happy to have it.

Because here’s the reason I feel bi-polar lately: I am also LOVING this new phase! Olivia is doing some of the cutest and most fun things I have ever seen another person do. She has so much fun playing and she gives these incredible hugs. She gives kisses on demand and likes to explore everything. She’s saying new words and communicating so well with us. This phase really is just incredible.  In fact, our day at the zoo was really incredible even with the fit thrown in at the end.

She can be so incredibly sweet. Yesterday, we napped on the couch together and when she woke up she was all smiles and hugs. At the end of the day, when I come in the door, the little stinker comes running toward me with her arms open. My heart just melts on the spot. When my Sweet Angel Baby is present I’m not sure what to think when, in just 5 seconds, I am busy trying to tackle The Devil Child as she scatters a Costco size box of q-tips all over the house(note to self: Stop buying Costco size things that create more mess opportunity for The Devil Child).

I’m just confused how I can be so enamored with this little person and so perplexed by her at the same time.  It’s truly not ALL bad right now. We have a lot of good times. But this phase is very challenging as Olivia is learning about her world, developing her own opinions and ideas, and testing EVERY. SINGLE. BOUNDARY we set.

I’ve hesitated for more than a month to post this one because I am worried that people will think I have some crazy maniac child. She’s a good kid. A really good and wonderful, loving and sweet kid. I guess I just need to vent a little. To put this out there in the hopes that others will assure me that this IS just phase.

For now, we’re just enjoying the joy and awe of watching our girl learn and grow into a little person while doing our best to teach her why fit throwing and hitting won’t serve her well when she starts dating. For now, we’ll take the downside of this phase in order to be a part of the incredible side. I think the legend Poison said it best—every rose has its thorn…