Since I became a real life adult with my own "household," every time I go to my grandparents' or parents' houses, I inevitably find myself cringing at the photos of me they have hanging around their homes. I really appreciate that they pay homage to my existence with photos of me in each room but *why* does it have to be the photo of me in that super awkward middle school phase at a school dance with some boy that I didn't even like at the time because the boy I did like and wanted to go to the dance with didn't even know I exist? I'm just sayin'.
I look at the photos of me from ages past and they conjure up memories of acne and bad hair and thick glasses. I remember not feeling totally comfortable in my own skin as most middle schoolers and high schoolers do. I remember the sting of rejection from the boy I was desperately in like with. I remember the way my hair never looked right and my clothes never fit right and I never really seemed to find the right thing to say.
And what about all of those baby or elementary school photos? Doesn't my family know I have my very own baby now? Why all of these outdated photos of me from nearly 30 years ago? Why not put out the newest and greatest photos of me feeling confident and looking the way I *want* to?
Tonight as I was dusting our bookshelves--Yes, dusting. Yes, we know how to have a rockin' good time on a Friday night.--I found out why. I was dusting this rather large framed photo of Oli when she was about 4 months old and I was just smiling and staring at it fondly and thinking how even when she's my age, I'm still going to keep that photo there. I love that picture. She's looking right at the camera with her "Yeah, what's it to ya?" look and I just LOVE that crazy face.
Then I remembered all of those photos scattered in the homes of the people who love me and I realized why they don't take down the 6th grade photo of me. They don't take it down because they don't see all of the awkwardness I see when I look at that photo. All they remember when looking at that picture is the young girl I once was.
When I look at that baby picture of Oli, it's not just an indicator of who she once was, it's a memento of who I once was and who I've grown to be now. It's a reminder of a time of my life of huge growth and change. It's a reminder of the tiny baby who used to sleep on my chest, who taught me that a tiny smile could go a long way. Her expression reminds me of The Boss Lady's personality from day one and our struggles and triumphs as parents.
I have NO desire to go back in time but this one photo is a window into a past that will always be a part of my core and who I am today. And when Oli is 30 with kids of her own and wonders why I keep a baby picture of her that is 30 years old, I'll share with her the meaning of that photo. And if she already has a kid of her own, she'll get that. And if not, well, that's okay. That photo is for me really.
From now on, I won't wonder or hope that my family takes down the Worst Haircut Ever photo of me gracing the halls of their homes. Though that moment in my life may have been awkward or ugly or whatever, for them, that moment has a totally different meanting. I do have one *tiny* request though: Can we at least put up ONE current day photo? You know, so there's proof that I did *eventually* get rid of the glasses and the acne and the 4 inch high bangs? Just sayin'.
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