There’s a new craze in the Facebook world where people are posting a certain number of random facts about themselves. And if you ‘like’ or comment on their post, they’ll give you a number, and you have to come up with that many random facts about yourself. I’m not much for the Facebook crazes but I actually think this one is kind of fun. I’m going to do it a little differently though. I received the number 11 from my good friend, Brandie, and I’m happy to share 11 things about myself. But I’m going to do it here on this trusty blog and share one a day for 11 days. And they’ll be random things about myself specifically relating to motherhood. Let’s call it 11 Confessions from a Really Really Real Mom. Here we go:
Number 8: I think all of the Baby/Parenting How-To books are crap. And if you gave me one, I sold it to Half Price Books for pennies. I wanted to get rid of those things so badly that I didn't even care that for like 10 of them I only got $1.50. True story.
Number 8: I think all of the Baby/Parenting How-To books are crap. And if you gave me one, I sold it to Half Price Books for pennies. I wanted to get rid of those things so badly that I didn't even care that for like 10 of them I only got $1.50. True story.
Look, I get that your intent was to be helpful. You wanted
to share a method that worked for you. And you hoped it would work for me too.
But it didn't. And here’s why: no one knows what in the hell they are talking
about.
I’m a pretty analytical and scientific person. If you want
to present a theory to me it has to have some logic. More importantly, it has
to WORK. There’s a lot that I've forgotten from my lab days but here’s what I
remember about the validity of an experiment: You have to be able to duplicate
the results. And you can’t do that in parenthood.
How many times have I heard parents with more than one child
tell me that each of their kids was different? EVERY time I talk to someone
this is the wisdom they share with me. And yet they still are willing to
recommend the BEST PARENTING BOOK EVER. How can a book with one theory work for
your kids who are so different from one another? That just sounds insane.
Here’s what I don’t get: there are about a gajillion
parenting books out there and some of them are as different from one another as
night and day. How do you know who’s right? How do you know which method will
assist you in not raising a pole dancer or serial killer? If you let your child
co-sleep with you, you are raising someone who is co-dependent. If you put them
in their own beds, you are teaching them what abandonment feels like. If you
meet your child’s every need, you are their beyotch. If you let them cry it
out, you are their tormentor. If you don’t breastfeed, you are giving your
child poison. If you do, you are not only creating someone who is co-dependent,
you are creating someone who will later have weird sexual issues.
I mean, which way is it, all you Experts in Parenting?
I was so confused by all of those books that I didn't have a
clue what was right. Mike and I found ourselves swaddling and shushing, putting
The Boss Lady down to cry, picking her up because we couldn't stand it, putting
her to sleep in her crib and then passing out from exhaustion with her asleep
with us in the bed. I know, I know what you are going to say. Consistency,
right? The key to every parenting decision is consistency. Yeah, I've heard
that. But here’s the thing: every time we tried some expert method with our
kid, the only thing consistent about it was the fact that we were going insane.
Around the time that Olivia was supposed to start eating
solid food, we got excited and started stocking up. That first day, I carefully
mashed avocado and mixed up rice cereal. She took one bite, gagged, and threw
up on us. We tried again. Same reaction. The kid HATED baby food. She was,
however, very curious about what we had on our plates. I Googled baby eating
habits. I visited website after website, blog after blog, reading about what
babies should be eating, how much, and whether or not they even needed baby
food at all. I read theories on going straight to solids (in other words, no
mush, just soft finger foods). I saw pictures of 9 month olds eating whole
plates of spaghetti. Could this be right though? Which expert was right: baby
food or straight to solids? I eventually made an appointment with Olivia’s
pediatrician to discuss why my kid wouldn't eat baby food and to find out what
was “wrong” with her.
I was so distraught over this food business that when I went
into our doc’s office, it was obvious. But it wasn’t another baby book or
website or expert that he recommended to me that day. I was expecting him to
ask all sorts of questions about Olivia’s eating habits so we could get to the
bottom of whatever was going on with her. All he asked was, “Stephanie, what do
you think parents used to do before Gerber baby food was around?” I looked at
him, bewildered. I hadn't seen anything about that on the blogs…
That’s when it hit me. I had been so stressed about what the
experts were saying that I never stopped to think what parents have been doing
with their kids for THOUSANDS OF YEARS---before bay books! They didn't read
blogs or listen to 800 theories about how to make a baby stop crying. They just
raised their kids. They loved them and quite frankly, I think they realized
that their main job was just to keep them alive. They had too much other shit
to do to sit around and read baby books or blogs about parenting styles. They
just lived their lives with their kids.
Look at history and all of the geniuses and world-changers
and sociopaths. I mean, if we really wanted to narrow down our reading list,
maybe we should find out what parenting books their mothers were reading. Like,
what book was Jeffrey Dhamer’s mom reading? That’s the one I want to stay away
from. Or Einstein’s mom? I need to get a copy of whatever she read. And wouldn't
it be funny if they read the same books? Or none at all?
Shortly after that revelation, I packed up the books and I
took them to Half Price Books. With one exception. I kept Jenny McCarthy’s
Belly Laughs and Baby Laughs because that crap was just funny. You want to get a new mom something helpful?
Get her something that will keep her laughing through the crazy. And wine. Get
her wine.
I just don’t understand when we got so obsessed with all of
this information and how it got us away from following our instinct. Every kid
really is different and what works for one may not work for another.
I’m not telling you not to read books about how to raise
your kid. You can do what makes you feel better. But honestly I think that’s
about all the good it’s going to do. Most of those theories I read had little
to do with the child. Sure, sure, they proclaimed to know exactly what babies
are thinking or what their intentions are. But last I checked, babies don’t
talk. They just cry and poop and eat and sleep and the fact that 4 bazillion
experts out there claim they have translated all of the crying and pooping and
eating and sleeping tells me that there are either 4 bazillions psychics out
there or that they don’t really know. Because of someone really knew, wouldn’t
there just be ONE book? The books out there though seem to have more to do with
giving the parents the illusion of having some kind of control. And I get it.
Some people need that.
I figured it out pretty early. I’m not in control. I never
was. The only way to breathe easy in this gig is to embrace the chaos and do
what’s right for YOUR kid. My job as a parent got so much easier when I stopped
treating my kid like a guinea pig for expert parenting techniques. When I
learned to listen to her needs and follow my instincts, I was able to breathe.
I quit beating myself up or thinking that something was wrong with her just
because a certain theory didn't work.
