The Beat Down

We are in a place with Oli that I hoped we never would be: to spank or not to spank. Yes, we (shockingly) have a child for whom time out is not the most effective strategy. Time out is a game to Oli where she sits still for about 3 seconds and then tries different methods to sneak back into the room. For instance, tonight, I put her in time out in the hallway and told her she needed to think about her behavior to which she yelled back, "I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT!" Then she proceeded to creep back into the kitchen via the foyer. She scooted fairly silently until I turned around and saw her and barked, "Get back to time out!" Her response was predictable: tears and a plea of "I have a booger!!" Now, every other time she has a booger, she finds eating it a perfectly acceptable method of disposal. Suddenly, in time out, a booger is as terrifying as a scorpion. Convenient.

What is it with this time out nonsense anyway? Did you know there are time out chairs that look like thrones? THRONES!!! FOR A TIME OUT!!! What kind of message is that? I do value the time out method but I just don't think it's sufficient for some kids. Like my kid. When I asked her in church not too long ago what would happen if she kept acting up she shouted in a sing-song voice "Time out! Time out! Time out!"

When I say that we are "in a place" really you should know that we have already started popping her on the behind for grievous offenses like hitting or throwing things. We started that about a month ago and it's actually been effective. Olivia has hit me in the face more times than I can count and I finally got sick of sending her to time out only to have it happen again 7 minutes later. So one day she did it, I pulled down her pants and panties and popped her on the butt. She was pretty upset by that. Of course she cried big alligator tears and whimpered, "You hit me!!!" And I thought that would make me sad but it didn't. In fact, I had to choke back laughter. And excitement. Because I had finally FINALLY found something that registered with her.

And before you go getting all up in arms about spanking, know that we've already had all of the same arguments you might. Know that when I say "spanking" I don't mean a "Bend over and you are getting 5 lashings" kind of thing. I mean a quick pop on the butt. At first, I was a little embarrassed to admit that we spanked Oli. It seems that's not really acceptable these days and I wasn't sure how we would be perceived. I felt embarrassed too that we couldn't control our kid with this time out business that every other parent found to be so magical. I found though that as I mentioned this to other moms, they said they also spanked their kids.

Here's the thing: I was spanked as a kid and damn near every other person in my generation or older was spanked as a kid and everyone (okay almost everyone) I know has turned out really well. My parents did some good things and some strange things when we were growing up but I remember spanking as something that I actually respected. I didn't like it by any means but I knew the purpose and I knew which action got that consequence. I understood the meaning of a spanking.

The other day at work, I was telling some coworkers how I remembered kids getting paddled in school and some of my coworkers who are young enough that that practice had ended by the time they got into school were horrified! It was actually pretty funny to see their reactions. Though I don't really believe in kids getting paddled at school anymore, I do think there's some merit in some good 'ole fashioned discipline.

Again I'm not talking about lashings or just a crazy whaling on your kid. I do not endorse just turning around and smacking your kid because they misbehaved. That doesn't make sense to kids. If every time they screw up, you turn around and smack them, that's just called hitting. I'm talking about a legitimate spanking. Whenever Olivia starts to initiate a behavior that will earn a spanking  we tell her, "Your behavior is about to earn you a spanking." And if she continues the behavior, she gets a spanking and another explanation as to why.

So far, we are having some success with this form of discipline. For instance, the week after she chanted "Time out!" to me in church, we had a conversation before church service where I informed her that if she acted up this time, she would get a spanking. During the service when she would start to act up, I would just say "Olivia, do I need to take you to the bathroom?" and she would just straighten up. I'm not kidding. It was awesome. It was, hands down, the BEST Sunday we've ever had with her.

We don't even have to utilize the spanking that often really. I don't think it's the appropriate consequence for every action. And I never want Olivia to be afraid of us but I do want her to understand that poor behavior is not tolerated and there are consequences for her actions.

Lately, she's been yelling "NO!" at us quite a bit. It's really bothersome because it just seems like she has zero respect for what we are asking her to do. The really bad thing is that she's started doing this at school. For the past week, her notes from school have indicated that she has been yelling "NO!" to her teachers when they ask her to do things and she's been sent to the library to sit by herself twice this week. Tonight Mike and I talked about whether or not giving her a spanking every time she yells "NO!" to us would be the right way to break this habit.

Yes, we know that she is only two and a half and yes, we know that this is part of the territory of having a two and a half year old. We also know that if we don't address these behaviors now, we are going to have bigger problems as she gets older. I don't expect my kiddo to be perfect but I do believe it's our job as parents to help her become a contributing and *good* citizen. Learning boundaries starts early--earlier than we were prepared for.

I'm not sure what we thought this stage would bring. I know it's our job as parents to teach Oli good behavior but damn if it isn't a beat down for us too. I feel like we are constantly correcting her when all I want to do is spend time with her enjoying the time we have together. It's a little bit exhausting. And the crazy thing is that we have a really great kid! I'm sure the fact that I'm writing today about having to spank her might lead you to believe we have a Problem Child on our hands but we really don't. We just have a normal 2 & 1/2 year old who is learning her limits. I guess I just didn't realize that she didn't come pre-programmed with those limits!

I had breakfast with my sister, Michelle, about  two weeks ago and I was telling her how we had to give Oli these little pops on the butt and I told her that I had really hoped to have a kid for whom that would not be necessary. I thought my sister was going to fall over in shock, "YOU thought you wouldn't have a kid who didn't need a spanking!!???!!?" She's a funny girl that sister of mine.

She's right though. I was very hard headed...okay AM. I *am* hard headed. And though Olivia may be Mike's mini-me in looks, she comes by her energetic and demanding personality because of me. For some reason I just assumed when we found out we were having a little girl that she would look like me and act like Mike. God has a wonderful sense of humor, ladies and gentleman.

There is a tiny part of me that wonders if we are handling things the *right* way--whatever that means. Truthfully, I have no idea. I was telling a lady at work today that I feel like we are just trying to find the thing that works best for us and our kid. I'm not sure anyone knows what the right discipline method is. Amongst all of the other parents we know, some of them spank their kids and some of them are horrified by that thought. Before I had kids, I always said I did not have a problem with spanking. Now that I have one, I don't have a problem with but why do I have a hard time admitting it? I have literally been sitting here editing and re-editing this post because I am nervous about posting this. I am worried that I will be judged harshly for disciplining my own kid. Is that crazy?

It just feels weird. In this day and age of the Time Out Throne and Super Nanny who never even needs to raise her voice and this weird idea that we can use reason and logic with our kids who can't even understand that you aren't supposed to eat your booger, spanking just seems so...old fashioned or caveman-esque. Maybe though our ancestors have known what they were doing all along. Maybe Mike and I are reverting back to Neandrathalism. I have no idea.

So, okay, just to recap: We aren't beating our child for not cleaning her room. But we ARE giving her two-year-old-appropriate spankings to correct poor behavior. Though we hate doing it, I do feel like we are doing the right thing when her teachers tell us that, even when she has crummy behavior, she is really a great kid. Or when the grandparents watch her and tell us how great she is. Or when we interact with her and we see what a great kid she is and we *know* that all of this shaping and molding today is helping to form our Oli A into an incredible woman.