Tales from the Dark Side

I love sleep. A lot. Maybe a little too much. I mean, is there really anything better than putting on your comfy pj's, climbing in between the cool sheets, resting your head on a soft pillow, and drifting off into dreamland where Brad Pitt and Matthew McConaughey walk around shirtless...okay, well, maybe that's just my dreamland! But the point is that sleep is AWESOME.

We take pride in our ability to sleep here in this house. Mike is able to fall asleep in about 27 seconds and stay asleep regardless of what's going on around him. I'm a great sleeper as well and take so much pleasure in repeatedly hitting the snooze button so I can sleep in just a little more.

But then there's The Boss Lady. For some reason, despite her genetic pre-disposition to love sleep (that's genetic, right???), she just doesn't seem to get it. While, for Mike and me, bedtime is one of the greatest times of the day, for her, it seems to be a time that she morphs into a Gremlin.

Like most (okay, maybe ALL) new parents, Sleep has become our new obsession/mission/worry. Bedtime around here has been nightmarish (to say the least) and I feel like I am constantly counting down the hours until it's time for the Bedtime Battle to begin.

In the Milligan house, bedtime was beginning to feel a lot like this:



Think I'm being a little dramatic?? Then, check out this actual video of our sweet daughter at bedtime:

And that went on for more than 2 hours!!!! That blanket wrapped around her was a swaddle until she thrashed her way out of it.

I recently posted on Facebook that I needed some prayers for our bedtime dilema. At the time, I wasn't even seeking a solution any longer. I was seeking a miracle. I wasn't sure there was any solution for the bedtime trauma that was going on. That post spurred a response of 21 posts on my wall and 3 messages in my inbox.

It seems that sleep is something that EVERY parent obsesses over! And it seems that there are about a million different experts with a million different solutions. Why are we so obsessed with our child's sleep habits?

Before having a kid, I could not understand why parents always talked about this. I mean, sleep deprivation didn't seem like that big of a deal to me. That's how I spent 4 years of college and many Friday and Saturday nights post-college. Who needs sleep that bad??

But it's different when you are a parent. It's different when your sweet baby is crying for you. It's different when you feel like you should be able to meet the needs of your child and you can't. It's just different. And it's hard.

Up until a few days ago, most of our bedtime ritual consisted of Olivia crying and screaming at the top of her lungs, then me crying and screaming at the top of my lungs, then Mike trying to calm us both down. Then all 3 of us would just collapse into bed completely exhausted sometime around midnight. I could not understand how the amazing little girl I spent the entire day with could suddenly be so unhappy. I felt embarassed and sad that I couldn't meet her needs or remain calm and collected enough to make it through the night.

In my quest to find a sleep solution it seemed that I could only find frustration. I have had nights when I've hit the wall--literally. I've had nights when I got in my car and drove with the windows down and the radio turned to full blast while Mike sat with a screaming Oli at home. And I've had nights when I'v had to stop and put my daughter down and leave the room.

From my Facebook posting, I got a lot of great ideas to help with all of this insanity. The best advice someone gave me was to just pick what (we hope) will work for our family, make it happen, and be consistent.

The good news is that we seem to have found a plan that works! The second night, we were all in bed by 10 p.m.!!!

The strange thing is that I was actually a little concerned by how easy it all was going! Motherhood is such a strange mix of emotions. When she's crying, I worry that she's unhappy. When she's not crying I worry that she's sick. Weird, right? I told Mike I was a little weirded out that things were going so well and I couldn't sleep. His response? "Want to watch me??"

So, there I was, laying in bed with a peacefully sleeping baby and husband and I couldn't even get to sleep! Go figure. Welcome to Crazy Town.

A prayer for my daughter

My dear, sweet Olivia,

Today is mine and your dad's 3rd anniversary! Three years ago today, I made the greatest decision of my life when I looked into your father's eyes and said, "I do." The past 3 years have been full of so much love, fun, laughter, and adventure. This year, we've added you to our family and the journey just keeps getting crazier and better!

There are so many things I hope and pray for you, my sweet girl. One of the greatest things I could pray for would be for you to find a love and a marriage like I have found with your dad. I pray that you find a man who is as amazing as your father and that you are as happy as I have been since the day I met him.

I pray that you find a man who puts you second because he puts God first. Marriage isn't always easy and your dad and I have been able to grow together because we make our marriage about something bigger than ourselves. Each morning, no matter how rushed he is to get to work, your dad wakes me to pray with me (and now you!) before we start our days. Each night, we say a prayer over you. Just 2 nights ago, I listened as he prayed over you and it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. And on Sundays, we go to church as a family. Being married to your dad has helped me to grow stronger in my faith and I pray that the man you marry helps you to grow closer to God as well. Often, at the end of the day, your dad will tell me that he prayed for me that day. When he takes the time out of his day to lift me up in prayer, I see the depth of his love for me more clearly than if he uttered 1,000 "I love you's."

I pray that you find a man who makes you laugh. And not just because he's funny, but because he helps you to laugh at yourself. Life is crazy and stressful and wonderful and FUNNY! It's easy to spend so much time worrying and being serious so find someone who puts a smile on your face daily. Find a man who can make you laugh even while you are trying so hard to be angry at him.

I pray that you find a man who makes you feel like the only woman on the planet. I have no idea who your dad's "celebrity crush" is. And I know he's got to think there are other beautiful women out there! But he never makes me feel like I'm second to any other woman. He has been passionate and romantic with me as often when I am in jeans and a t-shirt as he has when I am dressed up.

I pray that you find a man who challenges you to be better--without ever asking you to. Your dad is the kindest and gentlest man I have ever known. He is truly an amazing husband and father and I know he deserves someone just as wonderful. I am challenged each day to be a better person but he has never asked me to change or complained about who I am. He knows and loves ALL OF ME--even the not-so-pretty parts. Since meeting him, I have grown and become more "me" than I had been before him. I have no idea what I did to deserve him, but I'll spend the rest of my life trying to. And he does the same for me.

I pray that you find a man who will some day hold your daughter in his arms and you will see a love in his eyes that no words can describe. In that moment, you'll fall more in love with him and be convinced, yet again, that you have found your match. You'll watch him change her diaper, feed her, hug her, make crazy faces at her, and you'll feel overwhelmed by your love for him. And he'll help keep you sane and smiling when that same sweet little girl makes you feel like you are losing your mind! ;)

I pray that you find a man who makes you feel like you won the lottery every single day. Every evening, when you dad walks through the front door, I feel like it's Christmas day. I get excited to see him when he's been away and when we are together I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

All of these things I pray for you because I know first-hand what it means to have these things in a partner. Your dad is my soul mate and best friend. We are always a team.

I pray that your dad and I can be an example for you of what a healthy marriage looks like. And I pray that you can see clearly how much we love each other and how our love for each other created you. And that someday, you also know how it feels to be married to your soul mate, to the person that God created for you. Your dad and I will be praying for that person for you. Don't ever settle for less, even when it feels like you'll never find him. He's out there and he's worth the wait. I am so happy I never settled. If I had, I wouldn't have you.

And as I always tell your dad, I love you more than all of the stars in the sky.

Love, Mom

October 27, 2007
The day we became a family--Team Milligan!

2 Month Photos!

Now that we don't bathe her in cold water, bathtime is kinda fun!

This kid is NOT a morning person! She loves sleeping in our bed!

Giving Daddy smiles!

With Uncle Matt & Daddy after their triathlon!

From her 6 week photo shoot

Oh, if we could read her mind!

Sweetest picture EVER!!

Tips from the 2 Month Expert

This week I went to work!!! I'm not officially back until January, but I attended a 2 day conference for work this week and I am surprised and happy to report that I loved it! I loved being back in my element, having adult conversation all day, and getting to do a job I love. No, I didn't cry on the way there or in the bathroom during break times. I was excited to be back! AND I was even more excited to get home to my sweet angel!

Being a working mom is definitely a double-edge sword though. When I'm at home, I miss work. When I'm at work, I miss Olivia like crazy! For me though, being a working mom is my calling. And I'm okay with that! I embrace it actually and am excited about going back in January and making the most of my time with Olivia while I'm at home.

I was telling this to a friend last night (at my first Girls' Night Out!!) and she made the observation that the reason I loved being at work is because I'm good at it. It's something I know and understand. I know what I need to and should be doing at all times. Expectations are clear. My job as a Mom isn't so clear cut!!

This is still all so new and most of the time, I have NO IDEA what I'm doing!!! And I have no idea if I'm good at it! I mean, sure, there are some basic, instinctual, common sense things but parenthood is such a mystery world. Every day something is changing and I feel like I'm on the steepest learning curve of my life!

Today my sweet girl is 2 months old! In the past 2 months, I've learned so much about myself and this tiny person who has brightened and changed my world forever!

Here are just a few tidbits from someone who's been doing this job for a whole 2 months:

Sometimes this parenting gig sucks.
The day we brought Oli home, we proudly posted our "It's A Girl" sign in the front yard! A few days later, we were ready to add a sign next to that one proclaiming "And She's For Sale." There are days I have felt beaten down and worn out and ready to quit. And just when I thought I couldn't take any more...she smiled. Okay, so sometimes this parenting gig sucks. Sometimes it's freakin' awesome. Whether you're up or down, you just have to ride the wave.

Parenting ain't for sissies.
This is the toughest job I have ever had! Most days I am running around like a mad woman just trying to make it through grocery shopping, errands, and getting a shower. And if I get to brush my teeth before noon or eat 3 meals a day, that's just a friggin' miracle. I have been pooped on, peed on, and puked on more times than a fraternity house toilet. Sometimes this is a dirty job. If you want to be a parent but want to remain pristine and clean, then get a goldfish. If you are willing to get dirty and experience one of the most amazing kinds of love in this world, then have a baby.

You will screw up. More than once.
I'm a classic perfectionist-OCD-control freak-Type A personality and I feel the need to do everything just right the first time around. Parenting is a learn-as-you-go activity and sometimes you just screw up. Like the first time we gave Oli a bath and we did it in cold water because we were afraid of burning her skin. No wonder she hated bathtime! Or, maybe you are sleep deprived and frustrated and just a little bit afraid of the tiny little person who has been screaming at you for 2 hours straight. And maybe, just maybe, you scream "Please shut the F*** up!!!" Maybe. It could happen. I'm just sayin'. NO JUDGING. There's a reason God didn't give us memory for the first few years of life.

You've just got to figure it out.
There are a million books out there on how to be a parent. Feel free to read as many of them as you want. BUT, in the beginning, the only thing that book is good for is toilet paper. Because no book can help you figure out YOUR kid. All babies are different and you've got to just figure out what works for you and your family. There's no "right" or "wrong" way to do it. As long as you love the crap out of your kid, you're doing pretty darn good. If I was going to write a book about parenting it would be one page and it would read:

"Welcome to Parenting.
You are about to get your ass kicked and experience the most
amazing joy of your life--all at the same time. Good luck!"

Enjoy these moments.

A couple with an older child told us this once and our initial response was "Why? Why enjoy these moments?? Do future moments get worse??" We're quickly finding out what that meant. These moments go by SO FAST. It's crazy how quickly things are moving and how quickly our little girl is growing. I'm already nostalgic for that sweet little newborn we held in the hospital just 2 months ago. I'd love for her to stop growing and be my sweet angel baby forever. So, take advantage of these moments. I certainly am! Often, I sit on the couch with The Boss Lady making faces at her, cuddling with her, and kissing her chubby little cheeks. And I'm going to keep doing that until she makes me stop. Truly ENJOY these moments. EVEN THE HARD ONES. 


I know that as a new student in the School of Parenting, I'm not a total pro yet! But, I'm a willing student who is head over heels in love with the subject at hand. So, whatever's coming up in the next month--BRING. IT. ON!

Dream a little dream

I have a phrase that makes Mike break out into a cold sweat: "I have an idea." My ideas range from "Hey let's have hamburgers for dinner," to "Hey, let's go outside in the cold wet rain and clear the front flower bed!" Understandably, my poor husband just never knows what he's about to get himself into!

Sunday was another one of my "idea" days and this is one instant I kinda wish Mike had said "Absolutely not." But, being the amazing and patient man he is, he let me jump aboard the crazy train and take a little ride.

My idea started out innocent enough though! For the past couple of years, my sister and I have been talking about visiting the Dallas Arboretum's annual Pumpkin Patch. And now that I have an adorable little angel to take cute pumpkin pictures with, I thought this year would be the year to finally go check it out! We invited my sister and her husband and a friend of mine and her family. And we scheduled it during the Cowboys game. Go ahead, feel free to start laughing now.

We started the day at a christening for Mike's cousin's daughter. The first sign that our day was not going to go according to my Master Plan of Awesomeness was the sound of my daughter filling her diaper in the middle of the christening. Seriously. Right at a moment of silence, she decides to relieve herself. Awesome.

I took her to the restroom to get cleaned up and even more disaster struck! As I was changing her, she decided to pee thereby creating a nice pee and poop paste that then got all over her dress. Of course, I didn't have a spare change of clothes in the diaper bag. Of course. I'll let all of you experienced parents take a moment to laugh here as well!

After the christening, we loaded up our circus tent and trekked the 45 miles to other side of the metroplex to the pumpkin patch. 

Immediately after we arrived at the Arboretum, Olivia decided she had had enough of our activities for the day and she started fussing. And fussing. And crying. And fussing some more. The ENTIRE TIME WE WERE THERE.

So, there we were on an awesome fall day in Texas (we only get about 4 awesome days around here), strolling through the beautiful Arboretum with a screaming infant. What a great time we were having as a family!

But I was persistent and determined to get some cute pictures of our sweet baby amongst the fall foliage! After all, babies always go along with their parents' plans, right? Right???? WRONG.

Every time we sat her down, she started screaming. And that's when I looked around and noticed we weren't alone in our little hell bubble. It seemed most parents there were juggling screaming infants and posing them amongst the bug infested hay bales and pumpkins to get that perfect fall memory for the scrapbook. Mommies were bouncing, daddies were cooing, and babies everywhere were excercising their lungs as if to say "What in the hell is wrong with you people?!?!?"

And I thought to myself, "What in the hell is wrong with us, indeed?!?" Every one of us with new babies should have been at home parked in front of the television watching the Cowboys lose yet another game. Who in their right mind takes an 8 week old out to a pumpkin patch?? ME. And apparently every other first time parent in the DFW area.

At the end of the day, I was upset and worn out and ready to throw in the towel. Mike just looked at me with laughter and love in his eyes and said "Honey, I know you had grand plans for the day. I know you thought that we would all be skipping through the pumpkin patch together as a family. Olivia would be smiling and frolicking in the pumpkins and maybe make a few new baby friends. Your sister and brother-in-law would be skipping right along with us and maybe some nice Disney music would be playing in the background!"

"You don't know me!" was my incredibly mature 3rd grade retort. But, yep, he knows me pretty well.

So my day ended with lesson number 487 in parenting: Whatever plans you have for your kids you can just expect them to be tossed out the window. Kids have a mind of their own!

I have no doubt that by this time next year, I'll have forgetten this little incident and the month of October will start in our house with the phrase, "Hey, Mike, I have an idea..."

The Boss Lady Speaks!

Look out world! Olivia has started "talking!" And if she's anything like me, she'll have a lot to say so watch out! We are loving getting to hear her little voice. She still communicates mostly by screeching at us (like any good Boss Lady would) but occasionally we get to hear the cutest little sounds!

You've heard the expression "talking out of both ends?" Well, listen closely, because Oli's got it mastered!

The Boss Lady Takes On The Big Easy!

A few pictures from our trip to New Orleans!

This is how she was for most of the car ride!

Cousins Emily & Ashley say hello

Aunt Michelle gets some cuddle time

Ready to go out on the town!

In Jackson Square with Uncle Michael & Aunt Michelle

First visit to Central Grocery

First stroll down Bourbon Street

Passed out on Bourbon Street!

Oli with her future godmother, Aunt Jacki, and Uncle Mike

Spending some time with Mawmaw

Some of us had bottles of beer, Oli had a bottle of breast milk. Bottoms up!

Posing with Cousin Rainbow & Aunt Michelle. The last time we took a pic like this was at my cousin Trey's wedding. None of us were even married then!

With Aunt Sharon

With cousin Ashley

This was taken right after Mike and Uncle Michael braved their very first diaper change in a public restroom!

Oli's last pic at the wedding with Pawpaw & Mawmaw. You can see that we've just approached Nuclear Melt Down Mode--a sure sign it's time to go!

Passed out after a long day in New Orleans!

I wish you were here...

Well, last weekend we took our first road trip with The Boss Lady!!! We went to Louisiana for my cousin Megan's wedding and stayed in the French Quarter so Olivia got her first taste of The Big Easy! And like any good parents, we took her to Bourbon Street!

She also got to meet all of my dad's family for the first time! We loved being able to introduce her to all of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and my grandparents. We hope this trip was just the beginning of her forming great relationships with all of them!

Amazingly, the trip went very, very well. We weren't sure what to expect so we were ready for chaos. BUT, our angel surprised us by being very good on the trip there and back and handling all of the excitement fairly well.

Now, I'm not saying it was EASY, it just wasn't horrible! Of course, any time you travel with a child, it's always an ordeal! Our car was packed to the roof and everywhere we went was a juggling act (baby, camera, diaper bag, purse, stroller, etc.).

We did have one hiccup when we missed the wedding ceremony. Yep, we are THOSE PEOPLE. It was 100% unintentional and I will never stop feeling terrible about it. But, in all fairness, we had a 6 week old who decided to have a meltdown shortly before. Luckily, we got to enjoy the very beautiful reception!

Even though the trip was a little circus-like I'm glad we did it. We've been to Louisiana twice this year and that's more than I've been in the past 5 years. I don't make it there much any more and I'd like to change that. I think that subconciously I've avoided going there for one simple reason: being there makes me realize my dad's absence even more. I didn't quite realize it until this trip though.

I don't talk about my dad very much and I'm not entirely sure why. Sometimes I'm even uncomfortable talking about him. In fact, my sister and I call each other each year on the anniversary of his death (Feb 2) but we usually don't talk about it. We'll talk about what we did that day or what we are going to do the coming weekend but we don't talk about our dad.

I think maybe the reason is that talking about him makes it so much more real. Talking about him like he's gone means that he actually IS gone.

He died 12 years ago and since his death, seeing his side of the family is hard for me. I see him so much in all of my aunts and uncles. I see his silliness in my uncle Mike, his tenderness in my aunt Helen, his sense of fun in my aunt Kathy & aunt Sharon, and my uncle T-bone (Yep, T-bone. We ARE from Louisiana after all.) has his mannerisms and outgoing personality. His memory is everywhere.

This trip was especially hard for me because I wanted him to be there at that wedding. I wanted to see him toting his granddaughter around in his arms and dancing like a crazy man on the dance floor. I wanted him to be able to hold The Boss Lady and sing the same crazy songs to her that he used to sing to us.

My dad was this amazing, incredible man. He was silly and kind and there wasn't a person who met him who didn't like him. At family functions, he was always out playing baseball or football right along with us kids. He would watch cartoons with us and make us pancakes in the shape of the letters of our names. I thought he was the most talented Pancake Maker in the whole world. And he would sing these crazy songs and when we would tell him how crazy they were, he would say "That's a real song, I promise!" Years after he died, I started hearing many of those songs and, yep, they are real songs!

He fought a long and hard battle with colon cancer and he never let us see just how big a toll it took on him. He was still silly and funny and loving with us during it all. He hid it so well that I was always convinced he was going to get better. In fact, during his last hospital visit when he died, I wasn't even aware that he was that sick. I thought it was just a routine stay in the hospital for a person with cancer. Every prayer or wish I made was for him to be healed. After his death, it would be many years before I prayed again.

Now that I'm a parent, I miss him even more. I wish he was here to meet the little girl who finally put his bossy, oldest daughter in her place. I wish he was here to tell me what he felt like when I was a baby. I feel sad that Oli won't know him the way I got to. She won't get to build sandcastles with him like I did. She won't be able to go hiking through the woods with him like I did. And she won't be able to have a pancake made by him in the shape of the letter "O."

And, yes, I do believe in Heaven and that he is in a better place. But sometimes, I just wish he could be in this place with me. 

I miss him every day and I wish he was here.

I am determined that Olivia will get to know him as much as possible though. I'll share stories with her as often as I can. I'll show her pictures of her grandpa Bill and I'll try my best to convey his spirit and love of life to her. We'll visit Louisiana as often as we can and she can get to know him through my family. And I'll make her pancakes in the shape of her intials and maybe, just maybe, they'll be as good as his.

Okay so MAYBE you were right...

Today it's been 6 weeks since my Angel Baby came into this world!!! I can't believe 6 weeks have flown by and how much has changed. What's even more amazing is that the first 2 weeks are already somewhat of a blur!
,
Not everything has changed though. I still have stretch marks on my belly that make it look like I got into a fight with a mountain lion. And I still have some of my pregnancy freckles, which is just a nice word for 'dark skin discolorations.' Both of those things are fading fast though. I know the stretch marks won't go away completely and I'm okay with that. They will forever be a reminder that Oli and I once shared a body--a bond that can never be broken no matter how far away she goes. They are a reminder that, yes, I really DID have this little person inside of me! Mike and I have often looked at each other in awe and said "Isn't it crazy that we MADE her??" Sometimes this is said in a tone of endearment and others...well...let's just say that our daughter has her not-so-endearing moments at times! ;)

Sometimes at night, I still touch my belly and I miss having her so close to me and being able to feel her kicking and squirming. It's during those times that I know how completely I love my child. Because even though she has frustrated me to the point where I had to get in my car and drive away for a few moments (Yes, that really did happen one night! And, no, I did not leave her alone in the house. She was with her dad.), I miss her when she is not with me. I see her tiny face when I close my eyes. And I wonder what she's doing when I can't see her.

In just 6 short weeks, The Boss Lady has turned my world upside down and taken up a permanent place in my heart.

Yesterday morning, I got the greatest reward as I sat and watched her give me these huge open-mouthed smiles! It was the most amazing sight and I have no idea how long I sat there with her. I could have done it all day!

I'm not sure if those smiles were real smiles or just a pre-amble to a dirty diaper, but I'm counting them!!! And, to be perfectly honest, she smiled at the couch cushion and the door about as much as she smiled at me but I'm STILL counting them!!!

And it was in that moment of watching that little face light up that I knew: IT'S ALL TOTALLY WORTH IT!

In those first couple of weeks, veteran moms would say "It'll get better. It's all worth it." My response to that was "WHEN?!?!?!" When I eventually end up in the loony bin on happy pills? When I eventually start humming to and drooling on myself from sleep deprivation? That little nugget of "wisdom" drove me mad in the beginning.

To me, this was the equivalent of walking up to a homeless person and saying "Don't worry. It'll get better. I'm not going to give you any money, food, or shelter, but someday, it'll get better." Who says that?? That's not helpful!!! Mixing me a stiff drink with a side of Xanax would've been better than the line "It'll get better."

And then...IT GOT BETTER!!!

I have no idea when it happened. Sometime in the past couple of days it just did! I'm not sure if she changed or we did but either way, we're like 99% certain we're going to keep her around!

On Saturday evening, Mike and I even found ourselves giving another couple reassurance that they would eventually no longer feel like returning their 3 week old to the hospital. How things change!!

So maybe all of you veteran moms were right: it DOES get better!

Okay, so I know that we still have a looooooong road ahead of us and that there will still be days when I contemplate calling the hospital to see what the return policy on a baby is. But for now, I'm going to sit with The Boss Lady and make crazy faces at her just to see a small glimpse of her gorgeous smile.