It's happened. Yes, I have become one of THOSE women. The ones that want to tell you all about THEIR experience. You know, one of the women you ran from every time you saw them when YOU were pregnant??
It all started this summer when I was talking to my sister's friend who was then expecting her first child in early September. It was June and I said something like "I don't envy you AT ALL being pregnant during the summer! It is just going to get even hotter and you are going to be so miserable! I certainly was!" My husband looked at me like I had just farted in the middle of the room and I realized that I had, in fact, become one of THOSE women (no, not the ones that fart in the middle of the room). There I was, thinking I was enlightening this poor girl with my tales of pregnancy woes when all she probably wanted to do was get away from me and all of my negativity. Damn.
It's so hard not to be one of those women though! Once you've gone through pregnancy and you've been initiated into this crazy world of parenthood, it is SO HARD not to give unsolicited advice to women who are expecting. A pregnant belly is like a magnet for women who have been through it.
The funny thing is that I hated all of those comments and little tidbits of advice when I was pregnant so you'd think I'd remember that! But, of course, being a mom has only depleted me of more brain cells and the small filter I used to have on my big mouth is officially gone.
And though Mike gave me a hard time about my comment this summer, he's just as bad! Earlier this month we were hanging out with some friends and one of the couples is expecting their first child in the spring. The mom-to-be was telling us about she had had to clean up a huge poop mess from their dog. Mike and I immediately jumped in the conversation to tell her all about the piles of poop she'll soon be cleaning up. Our friends Chris and Christina had to practically drag us away from the now terrified soon-to-be parents. I think we shouted "They need to know!!!!!" as we were being pulled away.
So, this got me thinking about all of the things that were said to me while I was pregnant and since Olivia has been a part of our family and all of the things I am now unable to keep myself from saying. As a reminder for myself and all of the rest of you who can't zip it (you know who you are) I compiled this little list so that we can remember all of the things we SHOULDN'T say to moms-to-be and/or new parents.
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"Sleep while you can!"
This is by far the one statement I hated hearing while I was pregnant and I'm proud to say that I have not yet said it to a pregnant lady. To the people who said this to me: Have you ever BEEN pregnant?? Have you ever tried to sleep when you have about 30 extra pounds sitting on your bladder and treating it like a friggin' trampoline? Have you ever tried to sleep when you keep having hot flashes and you are sweating like a fat man in a wool sweater in July? Have you ever tried to sleep with 9 pounds of baby kicking you in the rib cage and the kidneys every 17 minutes? I have an idea. You go to bed tonight with a 30 pound dumbell on your stomach. Make sure your heater is turned up to about 135 degrees. I'll come in your room every 24 minutes and punch you in the rib cage. Then, you have to get up, go to the pot, squeeze out a *tiny* little bit of pee even though it felt like you were about to burst, lay back down, and try to go back to sleep with the knowledge that you get to do it again in 45 minutes. Then we'll talk about "sleeping while you can."
You know who I say this to? I say this to couples who are NOT expecting their first child. I tell them to nap and sleep in and enjoy every single bit of sleep they can BEFORE they go and get knocked up. Besides, it's like my sister, Michelle says: it's not like you have some Sleep Bank where you can save up your sleep so that at 4 in the morning when your new gremlin child is screaming at you, you can be all "Oh, it's totally cool. I saved up 6,743 hours of sleep before I gave birth."
"Don't you want a little boy?" or "Maybe the next one will be a little boy!"
Why? So my husband, King Henry the VIII doesn't have me be-headed for not producing a male heir to his throne? First, I just want to remind folks that this is the year 2011, not 1442. Second, my husband is Mike, not good ole Hank. Last I checked, girls are just as human as boys. And just as capable. I mean, sure, they don't get to carry on the last name and all that but is that really that big of a deal? The craziest thing about this statement is that most of the people who ask this are WOMEN! My own husband really could have cared less if he had a son or a daughter. He just wanted a healthy kid. The only reason he *might* want a boy is to even up the estrogen to testosterone ratio in this house (even the cat is a girl).
Also, if my memory serves me correct, at the time of conception, you don't really get a lot of say in the matter. Try as you might, yelling things like "Come on Boy Sperm, get there first!!!" really doesn't help. You just don't get a choice. So, really even if I did *want* a boy, I think my cheers for the Boy Sperm would fall on deaf ears. Or no ears, really, since sperm don't have them.
"When are you going to have another one?"
You know those people who go to the airport and greet the troops as they are coming home from war? Well, what if the first thing someone shouted at them as they got off of the plane wasn't "Welcome Home!" but rather "When are you going back!?!?" Can you just imagine the insane looks the person shouting that would get. Well, you get the same reaction from me when you ask when I plan on having another baby. I mean, look, we aren't ruling it out completely, but I feel certain Mike and I still have a little residual PTSD from the sleepless nights. We are loving life with The Boss Lady now but we still VIVIDLY remember those early weeks. Just last night, I was watching a show and the couple had a newborn and the mom was up at like 3 a.m. and I almost started crying for her. It wasn't even reality t.v.! It was a made up show!!
If we are ever going to have another kid, we need the memories of having an infant to be so faded we can't remember them at all.
I need to also take a moment to issue an apology here: When my cousin, Trey, and his wife, Monica, had their daughter, I asked Monica this question. In the hospital. After a very long labor and an emergency c-section. Thank you, Monica, for not flying out of the bed and punching me in the face.
"I know of this lady who was pregnant and she went into early labor at like 26 weeks and then she had like a 10 day labor and then a c-section and then the baby was born with like 3 legs and 7 ears and then both of their heads fell off and everyone died."
I cannot begin to tell you the number of horror stories I heard during my pregnancy! DO. NOT. TELL. PREGNANT. WOMEN. HORROR. STORIES. Google does a great job of that already! Regardless of what you heard or what you personally went through MOST pregnancies and births are completely normal. Pregnant women are already susceptible to excess worry and sleepless nights. Do not give a new mom-to-be extra things to worry about. Not to mention that this is supposed to be an exciting and happy time. Don't drag her down with negativity.
Unfortunately, it's the negative stories that take center stage. There are no chat rooms or message boards about perfectly normal, healthy pregnancies without any complications. But those pregnancies are the majority so let the new mom bask in the glow of soon-to-be-motherhood.
"Are you getting any sleep?"
This seemed to be everyone's favorite question right after Olivia was born. The people who asked it the most? Other parents!! I don't know why people ask this to the parents of a newborn. I mean, is it just to be mean? Or some kind of crazy curiousity because they think that maybe there is some special breed of newborn out there who actually does sleep and yours might be it?
If you've ever had a kid then you know sleep is just thing of the past. Like pension plans. Or gas that costs less than $3 a gallon. So don't ask this question to new parents. It's the equivalent of walking up to a homeless person and asking "So, you eating good?" It's just mean.
"Is she teething?"
People ask me this question almost every single time Olivia is fussy. There are 2 answers here: 1. How the hell would I know? and 2. All of the damn time. Look, in case you haven't noticed, babies are ALWAYS growing/teething/crazy-in-the-flippin-head so I have no idea why she's fussy or chewing on her fist like it's coated in sugar. She could be hungry or teething or maybe she just realized she drew the short straw getting us as parents. I have no idea. While God did create these little angels perfectly, He forgot to give them the ability to speak so they can tell you what the crap is making them so unhappy.
In this house, everything gets blamed on 2 things: growth spurts and teething. Why's Olivia fussy? Teething. Wow, look how much she's eating! Growth spurt. Why did she wake up 87 times last night? Teething and growth spurt. Why does my house look like a toy bomb exploded? Teething and growth spurt. Seriously, everything.
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Okay, well, that about sums up the top ones. And, look, if you've ever said these things to me, don't worry, I don't hold it against you. Because I've said most of them too! Now let's all just print this out and keep it in our back pockets. So, next time we are at a party and we see a couple of soon-to-be-parents we can just rub the big belly and say "Good luck, suckers!"
