Huggies for High Schoolers

Well, I guess we are potty training. Or I guess that’s what this is when your *teeny tiny baby* is wearing panties! Don’t get all excited. I said we are still in training. We aren’t pros yet. For instance, tonight after her bath, Olivia said no to wearing panties and actually chose to wear a diaper. And by the way, does anyone else who’s potty trained a little girl feel like you say the word “panties” a lot? Like today at work, my team mates and I were talking about getting something for the Christmas party and I said “Oh, I’ll get it. I have to go to Target anyway and get some new panties.” It didn’t occur to me until just now that if anyone had overheard that, I might get a call from HR tomorrow.

At any rate, here we are, buying panties covered in pictures of Minnie Mouse, and cheering about pee-pee in the potty, and cleaning poop out of underwear.

Oh yes, you read that right. That was my night last night. Cleaning poop. Out of underwear. Good. Times.

Look, this potty training gig was NOT our idea, I assure you. It all started about 2 months ago while Olivia still had her cast on (What, you didn’t know our kid had a cast on her right leg? Long story. Maybe I’ll tell it some other time. When I’m not too busy cleaning up pee and poop.). Her teachers at school told us that she had been showing some interest but they wanted to wait until they didn’t have more of a mess with the cast in the way. They wrote in her school note that she was ready and we would readdress it later. Quite frankly, I didn’t care one way or the other. The way I figured it, she’d potty train when she was ready. She might have been showing some interest but that wasn’t enough to convince me it was time.

But after the cast came off, Olivia set about trying to convince US that SHE was ready. Over the past month, every time her diaper is wet, Oli will come to us announcing that she has a pee-pee and rip off her diaper. She also asks often to wear panties and occasionally we would let her put a pair on. But, inevitably, 15 minutes later she would wet herself and I’d be cleaning pee off of her legs, out of her clothes, out of her shoes, and out of the carpet.

Take 2 weeks ago, Sunday. She asked to wear panties instead of a diaper when she got up. I figured we’d give it a go. Every 30 minutes we put her on the toilet but nothing happened. Then it was time to leave for church. Things were going so good that I wanted to be consistent and leave her in the panties. About 30 minutes through the service, I took Oli to the bathroom. Trying to show solidarity, I decided I’d go first to show her how big girls go pee-pee. Just as I was pulling up my pants, Olivia announced “I go pee-pee.” And then she did. All over the floor. Soaking through her panties and her tights. Pee trickling down into her shoes. 

Did I have the diaper bag with me with spare diapers and clothes? Nope.

I wiped the pee off of the floor, stripped her shoes, tights, and panties and put them in the sink. I then carried a shoe-less, pants-less, diaper-less child back into the church sanctuary and loud-whispered to Mike “Give. Me. The. Diaper. Bag.” I then headed back to the bathroom to continue the clean up. We put a diaper on The Boss Lady the rest of the day. And that entire week. I had decided to give up on panties entirely at that point. After that day, I didn’t give a crap if she went to prom wearing a damn diaper.

I mean, it was clear to me that she just wasn’t ready for it. And I was totally okay with that. I am just not obsessed with “milestones” for Oli. The way I figure it is that she’ll get there when she gets there. And unless her doc is telling me otherwise, I’m just going to assume that she’s right on track and will learn things at her own pace.

Not to mention that cleaning up a diaper is about 8,743 times easier than cleaning up pee off of the floor. Oh, and did I mention my complete disgust for public restrooms? Seriously. I have a recurring nightmare, and I mean NIGHTMARE, about a dirty public restroom that I am forced to use. It’s weird, I know. It’s my thing though. And it didn’t occur to me that when I had a little girl I’d have to brave a public restroom with her. See, I’ve mastered the public restroom. I can squat for a full 2 minutes. Have you ever tried to get a 2 year old to squat? Or to keep their hands out of the toilet or their pee stream? I’m considering in investing in a Hazmat suit just for public restroom visits.

But then we got the note.

Each day, Olivia’s teachers send home a note saying how she did that day and letting us know about any special occurrences. Monday’s note said, “Olivia is ready for potty training! You can send her in panties tomorrow if you want.” Um, WHAT?? You want me to send my teeny tiny baby to school in panties??!!??

I felt overwhelmed and excited by that note. If her teachers think she is ready then I guess that’s a good sign. Mike and I kind of assume that her teachers know more than we do about toddlers since that’s what they do all day so I just thought we’d take their word for it. Also, some of her school friends are potty training and I think she wants to imitate. Sometimes peer pressure is a good thing.

Tuesday when she woke up, we put the panties on and 15 minutes later I was cleaning pee from the carpet. I was determined not to be discouraged though and put a clean pair on her and sent her off with 3 changes of clothes. And she didn’t have an accident ALL DAY! Well, at least not until Mike showed up at the end of the day and she got so excited that she peed.

Oh, and until she got home. And tried to lock herself in the atrium while she squeezed a huge terd out. I tried to stop that one but was about 17 seconds too late. Luckily though she was pretty horrified by the poop in the panties incident and cried “There’s poo-poo on my panties!!!” Yep, kid, that’s what happens when you crap your pants.

This morning, we tried again. No accidents before we went to school. When I dropped her off, her teachers just raved about how good she was doing and how it was so great that she is indicating she is ready and doesn’t want to be wet or dirty in a diaper. So I went to Target today and invested in 18 more pairs of Disney designs to be worn on my child’s rear end. At 3 pairs a day, those, along with the 5 pairs we already have, will last a week without me having to do laundry. When I brought the panties home, Olivia danced around the kitchen shouting “Panties! Panties! Panties!” Calm down, Boss Lady, this ain’t Mardi Gras.

As I mentioned earlier though, after bath tonight, she completely refused panties and requested to wear a diaper.

So, at this point, I just don’t know what is going on. In a way, I just feel like throwing in the towel and telling her teachers that we’ll just put her in Depends when she outgrows Huggies. And in a way, the thought of not having to buy another $40 pack of diapers makes me giddy with excitement. I don’t want to push her but I also want to encourage her since she’s showing so much interest.

She gets REALLY excited whenever she uses the bathroom on the toilet. I mean REALLY, REALLY, REALLY excited. Like this morning, she yelled “Mommy, I did it! I went pee-pee!” The evident thrill coming from her is infectious and I want her to do this if SHE wants to. But I DON’T want it to frustrate all of us. Right now, I don’t feel aggravated when she has an accident. She’s 2. It’s a new skill. I get that. I worry though that it will *start* to frustrate me.

The hardest thing about parenting for me has been not knowing how long the rough phases are going to last. Luckily though I have a few of those rough times under my belt and I know at this point that this will probably not last very long so we are going to stick with it. Either this will be a total success in about a week or we will just go back to diapers and try again later.

At any rate, it’s really cute right now to watch her learn something new. This morning, when I put her on the potty for like the 800^th time, she looked down between her legs and asked me, “Mommy, where’s the pee-pee?” It was so earnest and so concerned and so very cute. And what other time in your life can you wear Minnie Mouse on your business and not be considered a freak? Really, potty training does have its cute moments.

We’ll see what happens from here. If you want to be supportive, please send carpet cleaner this way! Or if this doesn’t work out, help sign my petition for Huggies to start making a diaper that will fit a high schooler. 

Thanksgiving for the Women

This week, I’ve been thinking a lot about the incredible women in my life. While I am thankful for so many, many things this year, I am especially grateful this Thanksgiving for the women who have helped to shape and teach me.

Before I had children, I would watch my friends with kids and I would sort of catalogue their parenting styles. Each parenting technique would sort of go into a category. Like “Don’t EVER do that!” or “Use that often,” or “What the…???” I don’t mean to say that I was being judgmental per say but I just thought I could somehow make a sort of Rule Book of my own with compilations of other women’s parenting styles.

Then I had Olivia. And I realized that some of the things I thought were genius just didn’t work with my kiddo. And some of the things I thought were insane were kind of brilliant. The thing is, as a mom, you just take all of your compiled knowledge and you use whatever it takes to make it through each day. There have been times that I have been brilliant in this gig and there have been times (okay MOST times) that I am just a blundering idiot. But through it all I’ve had this truly incredible network of women who have held my hand, laughed with me, cried with me, cheered me on, and never told me that I don’t know what I’m doing…at least to my face!

Today I raise a glass to the women in my life who have been with me thus far. You may not want to take credit for your influence here but the credit is yours and I am forever thankful to YOU:

To my grandmothers, Christa and Joanne. Two beautiful women who raised families, took care of a household, and have managed to keep their strong willed husbands in check for more than 50 years. My grandmother Christa came to this country from Germany as a young woman and has taken this nation by storm. She is funny and smart and knows how to make a mean schnitzel. My grandmother Joanne raised 6 six kids and lost her eldest, my dad, 14 years ago. I cannot imagine how that must have felt as a mom but she continues to be a strong example of what it means to be a wife and a mom.

To Mike’s grandmother, Nedra. She passed away this year on October 7 but her influence will live with me forever. Her faith was inspiring and she and though she too lost her son, Mike’s dad, she continued to be faithful and graceful in all things. She was regal and beautiful and we will miss her smile and her yummy sweet potato casserole this year at dinner.

To my mom, Jannette. My mom and I have not always had the easiest relationship but she continues to try her heart out and she faces her past failures with courage. She is always trying to make a better future and her love and pride for us is so evident any time you talk to her. We may not always be perfect but I am happy to say that my mom has become my friend and she is a seriously wonderful grandmother to Oli.

To my step-mom, Lisa. She could not have had a more awkward situation to walk into when she inherited me and my sisters but she took us on without batting an eyelash. She is strong and beautiful and has put up with some insanity as most step-moms do but she has taken it all with grace. She is generous and loving and she makes every family event so special. She was just as excited to become a grandmother as my mom and Mike’s mom were. We don’t share genetics but we choose each other as family and that creates a very special bond.  

To my mother-in-law, Margaret. She raised two incredible men and I am blessed to be married to one of them. I can’t even imagine being a mom of two boys but she endured farting at the dinner table and burping during church like a champ. She is very much a lady and helped instill manners and gentleness in her sons. She takes her role as a grandmother very seriously and when I think of whom I’d like to be as a grandma, she is someone who comes to mind. She lives for her grandkids and I love that she carries around photo albums of them.

To my sisters, Carly, Michelle, and Megan. To Carly and Megan for commiserating with me when our kids are acting like crazy banshees. For paving the road before me so I can always look to the two of you and know that this insanity is survivable. You are both wonderful moms and I feel blessed to have been a part of your own journeys in motherhood. To my sister, Michelle, who has no children but who is like another mother to my sweet girl. For holding my hand through so much of this journey and for just being here. That means more than you might know. If you decide not to have children, I will totally support that but I have no doubt that you would be an incredible mother. All 3 of you, my sisters, are the reason I cannot imagine Olivia being an only child. I have no idea what I would do without each of you.

To my sister-in-law, Emily. As she gets ready to celebrate her first Thanksgiving as a mom, I just want to say, “You are rocking this motherhood thing!” I have been so amazed to see her become a mom. She is great at it and my niece, Aislynn, is so lucky that she got Emily as a mom. Emily is always the one starting up some silliness at family affairs and I am always grateful to her for making me laugh even when I want to cry. She is a wonderful aunt to Olivia and she has become a great friend to me.

To all of my aunts and Mike’s aunt. There are too many of you to list one-by-one and that’s a GREAT thing! I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate the example you have been to me. You are all so loving and warm and open and I hope I am that kind of aunt to my nieces and nephews. You all have also shown me how to be a great mom since all of you are. Thank you for baby-sitting me as a kid and for supporting me now as an adult. I love you all so much.

To my cousins and their wives and Mike's cousin and wives of his cousins and there are MANY of you. We don't get to see each other much but I love knowing you are out there rooting for us and loving my Oli. Some of you are mothers and some are not but you have all helped to shape me. From the time we were kids and rolling around in the dirt to now as wives, moms, women, I am grateful to know and be a part of all of you. 

To my friends WITH kids. Thank you for being an example to me, a shoulder to cry on, someone to cheer us on, someone to celebrate the joys of this journey with. Thank you for sharing your own journey and for letting me be a part of that.

To my friends WITHOUT kids. Thank you for being just as excited about Olivia’s accomplishments as we are. Thank you for offering to watch her even though I feel certain that before I had a kid I never offered to watch anyone else’s! Thank you for your love of my kiddo and for sharing our lives.

You can see that Olivia has a long line of women to look to as an example for herself someday when she needs or wants someone to turn to. To say I am thankful for the inspiration you all have been to me would not be sufficient. Thank you for loving us, for shaping me, for believing in me. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. Someday, when Olivia is giving thanks for the women she admires, I hope to make that list. I hope to be the example to her that all of you have been to me.

And last but not least, a huge thanks to The Boss Lady. Though she is not a woman yet, she has been an inspiration to me since the day I knew she existed. She has stretched and pushed me beyond what I knew possible. She has brought me to tears and then back to laughter quicker than I ever thought possible. She has taught me that a little dirt on the kitchen floor isn’t the end of the world and that my college days of pulling all-nighters really did come in handy. She shows me the joy in the every day. She is proof that there is an Almighty God who has a perfect plan and a perfect creation. She loves me even when I completely screw up. I know that kids are supposed to learn from their parents but I’m pretty sure that Olivia has taught me more about life and about myself than I may ever teach her. This motherhood gig has been my hardest and most incredible lesson so far. I cannot believe I was chosen to be her mom and I look forward to every lesson yet to come.   

As I sit down today with some of the women I’ve named here, I can say that this truly is a day of tremendous Thanksgiving. I hope today you can look around and see the people and things you have to be thankful for. I hope you continue to have many more days of thanksgiving beyond today. May all of you be blessed today and always! Happy Turkey Day! 

I like to read

I've written before about the absurdity and hilarity of some of the children’s literature out there but I’m finding that I actually mostly enjoy reading Olivia’s books to her. And my kid LOVES to read. Each night, I try to have her narrow our bedtime story time to 5 books but we usually end up reading closer to 10. Though I usually start story time exhausted, there is something so peaceful and, well, awesome about reading with Oli.

She gets so into the story and, since we've read most of her books dozens of times, she will usually tell me what comes next in the story. I love asking “What do you think is going to happen?” and she excitedly shouts the answer. 

One of my favorite things is to find her “reading” to herself. She flips through the pages telling the story to herself by memory. It is the sweetest thing. This video of her just makes me smile. I can't believe I was able to catch her in the moment AND that she let me continue filming!

Of all of the things Olivia is taking an interest in these days I’m most excited about her love of books. Maybe it’s because I also loved reading as a kid and I've always had the support and encouragement of adults in my life who are also avid readers.

I remember as a kid tearing through books, just so engrossed in the story. I remember picturing the scene and characters and feeling like I was there. I remember feeling so connected to the story line that I would wake up on the weekend excited to pick up where I left off in a book the night before.

My parents were big readers too and I am thankful to them for fostering this in me. My aunt Jacki, a teacher, used to take us to the library in the summer to join the book clubs. I loved the smell of the library and I still do. There’s something about rows and rows of books that is just beautiful to me. Though I’m not sure how this will happen since I refuse to ever move again but I kind of dream of having my own home library some day.

I can’t wait to take Olivia to get her very own library card. Although, who knows what that will look like in the future. I know this makes me a little bit “old” but I don’t love the electronic book era. I can appreciate saving some paper but there is something so magical about turning the page of a book or walking into a library and browsing the shelves for the next story to lose yourself in. I will just never get used to holding a cold electronic device and touching the screen to “turn” the page. I’m just not sure “Brown Bear, Brown Bear” would have quite the same feel if I read it to my sweet girl on an i-pad.

But I’m getting off track here. Regardless of how she gets into reading, I’m just thrilled that Oli is into it.

If you don’t read much to your kiddos, please start!! Not only does a lot of research show how healthy reading to your child is for their development, it’s so healthy for your relationship too. At the end of the day, sometimes I am so tired and I just want to turn on a movie and let her fall asleep watching Monsters Inc or some other genius Pixar creation. But once I’m sitting in the rocking chair with her and we are talking about what the gorilla in “Good Night, Gorilla” is going to do, I am in Heaven. Often she wants her baby doll to sit with us as we read and so I sit with The Boss Lady and Baby Doll and we dive into some adventure of some crazy character. It’s that time of the day where Olivia and I just get some down time and some time to use our imaginations a little. Even if reading this much doesn't make her a super genius, that’s cool. It makes me superbly happy. And I think it does the same for her.

And so, in honor of The Boss Lady’s love for reading and her love of the beloved Baby Doll, I've written our own little adventure. Enjoy! 

Adventures of The Boss Lady:

Where is Baby Doll?

This is The Boss Lady

The Boss Lady's favorite toy is her Baby Doll. Baby Doll does everything with The Boss Lady. Baby Doll takes a bath, eats dinner, and even gets her diaper changed whenever The Boss Lady gets her diaper changed. Baby Doll especially loves to go for walks,

and to the park to swing on the swings.

The Boss Lady and Baby Doll especially love to read books together

And Baby Doll never has to wear clothes because The Boss Lady wishes she didn't have to wear clothes so she figures somebody should be allowed to go au naturale. 

One day, The Boss Lady went to get Baby Doll so they could go play. But Baby Doll was nowhere to be found. The Boss Lady looked everywhere for Baby Doll. She just knew she'd find Baby Doll  at the park waiting for her to play,

but Baby Doll was not there. 

She immediately called all of her closest friends to see if they had seen Baby Doll

but nobody had seen her. 

The Boss Lady even asked The Crazy Barbie Head if she had seen Baby Doll. But Crazy Barbie Head said she had not.

"What baby?? I haven't seen any baby..."

But The Boss Lady wasn't sure she really believed Crazy Barbie Head. Crazy Barbie Head did have a little bit of a "reputation,"

Eventually she called her good friend, The President, to see if he had seen Baby Doll

"No, sorry, Boss Lady, I haven't seen Baby Doll
at all."

The Boss Lady was distraught. She stopped to ponder where Baby Doll could possibly be.

She stopped to have a snack so she could get her blood sugar up and think straight.

But still she could not think where Baby Doll might be. Finally, out of sheer exhaustion, The Boss Lady stumbled to her room. And there, in The Boss Lady's LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE, was Baby Doll!

The Boss Lady was so excited that she decided she too would take a nice nap.

And The Boss Lady dreamed sweet dreams of hers and Baby Doll's next big adventure.

People with kids are 7% less happy

Several years ago, before I became a mom, I read a magazine article that included a “study” on whether or not people with kids are happier than those without. The author used quantifiers for happiness like money, sleep, leisure time, time with your spouse, vacation, etc. The finding was daunting: People with kids are LESS happy than those without. The author actually came up with a percentage and it was something like 7% LESS happiness.

I was reminded of this article Saturday night as I lay bawling my eyes out on the couch telling Mike that there is no way I can be a good wife AND a good mom and that either he or Oli was going to get the short end of the stick when it came to my energy or affection. Gone were our hopes of a relaxing Saturday night in the hot tub with a bottle of wine as snot and tears trickled down my face and shoulder shaking sobs racked my body.

Let me back up a little: 

A couple of weeks ago, we entered a new “Mommy Phase.” I’m not sure what is spurring this but suddenly Olivia needs my undivided attention 100% of the time and I am the ONLY person who can help her with anything. For instance, if she needs a glass of water, she’ll come up to me, tugging on whatever article of clothing she can grab, whine “I want water!!!!” and then throw herself on the ground if I don’t respond immediately. And if I’m busy with something else (making dinner, washing dishes, taking a pee) Mike will offer to help her. Her response? “NO DADDY DO IT!!!” She is determined that it will be ME who assists her in all things.

If I am sitting in the room with her while she is playing and my attention is on nothing else, all is happy and well. Heaven forbid though that I get a phone call or Mike and I try to have a conversation or I need to blow my nose. She will drop whatever she is doing, come find me, and demand “Mommy, I hold you!” until I pick her up. And if I don’t pick her up, she’ll grab both of my legs and bury her head between them until I do. Now, I’m not sure if the child is trying to make her way back up the birth canal or if kids are like dogs and examining your butt is a way for them to get to know you better or what and I don’t really care. The last thing I need is a rectal exam by my 2 year old.

It is exhausting and heart wrenching to not have an inch of personal space or to be able to have an uninterrupted conversation with ANYONE. The sad part is that in the morning, as I am trying to get 2 lunches packed, 2 breakfasts made, both of us dressed, teeth brushed, and the house in some kind of order, all I want to do is stop to hold her. But I can’t. Because telling my boss “Oh, I’m sorry, my kiddo needed extra snuggle time this morning,” isn't going to go very far to explain why I’m 30 minutes late.

And truthfully, there are times when I just don’t want to hold her. She’s heavy. I have a bad back. Sometimes, just sometimes, I want to eat dinner without someone sitting on my lap, putting their fingers in my food, and knocking my ice water into my lap. Sometimes, just sometimes, I want to sit on the pot in peace without having to respond to things like “Mommy, what IS that?” or “I have a booger!” Is that asking too much? Really???

This Saturday was no exception to this recent behavior and by the end of it, I was emotionally and physically spent.

Getting ready to get out of the house was challenging as I showered while Olivia banged on the shower door. I was reminded of one of those zombie movies where someone has barricaded themselves in a closet or small room while the zombies drag their hands across the surface of the door, trying to find some small entrance. And you kind of know that even though that person is safe temporarily, the zombies ARE going to find a way in and that will be the end of that character. Periodically, I would open the shower door and say "It's okay, I'm right here. I'll be out in a minute," shutting the door quickly so she couldn't climb in.

While at my nephew’s football game, things were a little better since Olivia had her cousins to play with. But, of course, during the awards ceremony, she was on a mission to find me since I was busy taking pictures for my sister. I managed to elude her only to find her later following some other brunette lady around, pathetically holding her arms up, sunglasses askew, whining “Mommy!!!” I should have yelled out to Olivia that that was not me. But, again like a zombie movie, sometimes someone has to be sacrificed so the others can get away so I just stood by and enjoyed having a moment to myself. If by some strange coincidence you are reading this, my apologies to you, poor brunette lady who apparently looks like me, for leaving you to fend for yourself against my crazed child.

My small reprieve didn't last long though.  Olivia's refusal to walk to the car by herself resulted in me carrying her as she pulled my pony tail and tried to poke me in the eye through my sunglasses. And as I felt the first drop of sweat roll leisurely down my back into my butt crack, I knew this was going to be a long afternoon.

We had plans to go to a festival downtown and check out our new city. The minute we were out of the car, the whining demand to be held was taken up with full force by The Boss Lady. In a moment of complete frustration, I said “I can’t carry you through this whole damn festival!” The audible gasps from the apparently perfect-never-say-a-curse-word-or-lose-their-patience-in-front-of-their-children parents was a sign that I was probably at the end of my rope.

The rest of the afternoon was a roller coaster of smiles and tears and when we got home, I was relieved to be able to sit down. And it was nice. Until I had to get up to make dinner. And though all was peaceful watching Happy Feet just seconds before, suddenly my audacity to get up to make dinner was just too much for my sweet daughter. Away we went once more with insistent pleas to be held, requests for crackers/water/candy/a different movie in the DVD player every 30 seconds, and my eventual relinquishment of the wine glass in favor of just drinking straight from the bottle.

During dinner, after repeated refusals to eat her dinner and stripping of her clothes, Olivia’s behavior sent me over the edge. As I sat there trying to eat, she stood by my chair whining “I sitta Mommy wap!” She tried to squeeze her little body between mine and the table as I asked her time and again to please just let me eat. At some point, I just put my head in my hands and tried to just go into my internal happy place. “You okay, Steph?” Mike asked. I shook my head "No." I couldn't even talk. What was the point of trying to explain myself? I would only be interrupted by more whining and toddler commotion.

That night, Mike gave Olivia her bath and put her to bed for the first time in 6 weeks. Let me be clear: My husband will help out with anything with Olivia but she REFUSES to let him put her to bed so I have to be out of the state for her to agree to that. However, Saturday night I think they both sensed that I needed a moment of peace.

As I sat on the couch, imagining myself on a secluded beach equipped with a never ending pina colada fountain, I started wondering “What is it that I’m doing wrong that my child feels like she has to cling to me all of the time? Am I not giving her enough attention? Am I not around enough where she feels like she gets enough time with me?”  

I got frustrated by the fact that I am not even able to have a conversation WITH MY OWN HUSBAND without her freaking out that my attention is not solely on her. It took Mike and I 3 days to finish a conversation last week. THREE DAYS!!!!

Last weekend, when he and I went for a night away for our anniversary, it was AMAZING. I loved getting to talk to him about whatever we wanted without being interrupted. I loved being able to take our time at dinner and enjoy just sitting quietly at times. It. Was. HEAVEN.

Look, I fully recognize that all of Oli’s behavior is typical 2 year old behavior. I know it’s normal. I know it’s just part of this age/phase. I know these things. But that doesn't make it easy. I miss my husband. I miss being able to talk with him. He will ALWAYS be more important to me than any other person on this planet. He is second only to God. And that’s the way it should be. But lately, I feel torn between giving my energy and affection to Olivia and having very little or nothing left over for Mike. He is gracious and understanding of this because I think he feels a little the same way, but I looked forward all day Saturday to sitting with him that night, enjoying a nice soak in the hot tub, enjoying conversation and just time with him. And that all went out the window with my sanity. That’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to me. My 7 year old self is stomping her feet, flailing her hands and yelling “IT’S NOT FAIR!!!”

I love Olivia Anne with my entire soul and I just wish I could find a way to balance her needs with my own and with Mike’s. It is really hard.

As I cried myself to sleep Saturday night, feeling like I had failed Olivia that day, feeling like I had cheated Mike, feeling like I didn't even have anything left for myself, I was reminded of that article I read so many years ago. Were we LESS happy now that we had a child?

Then Sunday happened. 

Yesterday, Mike had plans to have a guys’ day at NASCAR and I planned to stay home and spend the day with Oli. After Saturday’s events, I was a little anxious. But yesterday turned out to be the stuff that baby product commercials are made of. You know, the ones where the parents are snuggling their little babies and everyone is smiling and the baby is just so happy and the sun is shining and pretty much everyone has rainbows coming out of their tail ends?

Yeah, that was my day on Sunday. Though we did have one whining instance early in the day, the rest was very nearly perfect. We walked to the park and played for about an hour. Olivia brought her baby doll along and I got so much joy watching her help her baby slide down the slide or swing on the swings. We went to lunch, we had ice cream, she took a nap while I decorated for fall, and we finished the day with dinner at my grandparents. At bedtime, as I read her stories and sang her songs, I felt SO SAD that my day with her was ending. It was a complete 180 from the day before.

Last night, as I fell asleep, the answer to that article from so long ago came to me. For so long, I really couldn't put my finger on why people would have kids if they were going to be LESS happy than their child free counterparts. Why would anyone make themselves LESS happy?

The answer: Sunday.

The things that make you “happy” as a parent aren't all of the things you think are going to and they aren't at all quantifiable. I cannot explain the joy I got from watching my daughter put her baby doll on the slide next to her and count to 3 as they both slid down. I cannot explain how at peace I felt sitting on the patio at the ice cream shop, with 2 spoons and a giant ice cream sundae sitting in front of us. I cannot explain the overwhelming love I felt reading to my kiddo at the end of the day and smelling her freshly washed baby hair.

Try to add all of that up. There’s no calculator in the world that has a number big enough for the percentage of happiness that stuff brings.

As for the other stuff: getting to use the bathroom by myself or eating dinner without toddler fingers being in my food. Well, I’m not sure I’ll never say the word “damn” ever again but my logical self knows that this is just a phase. My more emotional self, well, she knows where we keep the wine.

The hardest part is still finding time for Mike and I to just be “us.” That’s not something I have an answer for today. BUT I feel extremely blessed that I have a husband that I can talk to and vent to when I feel overwhelmed. I am blessed to have a partner who is truly my other half, who fills in the gaps, who gives me room and space and time to find a balance. And together, we look forward to and know that there will be a day when we’ll call Olivia on the phone and ask how her kids are. She’ll vent to us about how hard it is and how she needs a break. We’ll sympathize and then tell her we have to go because our flight to some tropical beach locale is awaiting us.

In the meantime, I’ll just keep looking forward to Sundays.