Egg Wash

On Saturday morning, I threw my bowl of un-cooked scrambled eggs against the wall. I'd like to say I had a spasm or something or just completely went out of my head but I'll be honest here and just let you know that it was entirely intentional. There I was, whisking away, the pan already heating on the stove, as I started on my Super Mom Rant* and I just felt that I needed to get all of this pent up frustration out. I looked down at my bowl of raw eggs and I just threw the bowl. Even as egg was starting to run down the wall, I was already on my way to the bedroom to grab an old towel for clean up.

Lest you think I'm a total maniac, there really is a good reason behind this crazy flinging of the eggs and the bowl they were in! The story of how my walls got a good egg washing Saturday morning actually started Friday night. And there are a few background pieces you need to know first:

1. Sometimes, my job requires that I work evenings and right now, I've been working a couple of evenings each week. Mike and I have come up with a little routine that helps with this so that I don't have The Boss Lady in the middle of my work all of the time. After he gets off of work, he heads to my workplace to pick her up and they go home for a little daddy-daughter time. I do have Olivia with me at work for about 2 hours a day. While I love that I get to spend a little extra time with her, getting a lot of work done with her is...challenging. Yes, let's use that word.

2. Oli is at an amazing and frustrating phase right now. She's not yet crawling but she's trying REALLY hard. She knows she wants to get somewhere but can't quite figure out just how to get there. She's also extremely interactive. The frustrating part of that is that she gets really upset when she can't get where she wants to be AND she likes for me (or whoever) to be within reaching distance of her AT. ALL. TIMES. If I step out of the room for more than 2.5 seconds, she sounds the Siren of Abandonment.

3. Teething. For anyone who's had kids, you can just skip to the next part of this story because you don't really need any other explanation than that. For those of you who don't yet have a little Teething Monster of your own, allow me to enlighten you. To be fair, my kiddo hasn't been a complete maniac with teething but she definitely is different. She just has a few periods during the day where she just can't get settled. Her main source of comfort is me. Or, rather, my boobs. When I have nothing else to do (like pee, shower, or work), nursing her to comfort her is calming and kind of nice actually. However, Olivia doesn't always understand why I can't drop every single thing and nurse her until she falls asleep. Oh, and don't even think about trying to put her down after she falls asleep. The second the nipple slips out of her mouth, she's up again and you get to start the fun all over.

Okay, so now that you have the background, here's the rest of the story:

It all started Friday evening as I was trying to get everything ready for work. We were having a dinner and I was responsible for cooking spaghetti noodles and garlic bread. I left work, picked Olivia up, and headed home to get things ready. For the first 20-30 minutes of being home, Olivia was happy and played on the kitchen floor while I boiled noodles. Then she decided she wanted Mommy Time. I tried to hold her in between boiling pots of water and straining noodles but I was trying to be a good mom and not let her get near the hot water and stove so I would set her down while I strained noodles. Needless to say, this did not go over well for Olivia.

Every single time I put her down, she screamed her head off. Not fussing. Screaming. Screeching actually. At one point, I had no choice but to put her down so I could load up the car so that I wouldn't be late. She screamed the entire 4.5 minutes. She screamed so hard and so loud that she was hiccuping. When I picked her up, she made these huge sobbing noises that nearly broke my heart.

It's times like those that I just feel so beaten down as a mom. I love my kiddo so much and I HATE to see her so upset. And I feel torn because I have to work. I get so frustrated because I want to pick her up and spend lots of time with her but there are some times that I HAVE to do other things. Usually, after one of those situations, I just feel completely, emotionally drained. It literally affects me physically.

After the Nuclear Meltdown and a night of working, I was exhausted. Luckily, The Boss Lady was too so when we got home (around 10), she went right to bed. I went to sleep that night dreaming of a lazy Saturday morning with my 2 favorite people.

Saturday morning dawned and I was surprised to look at the clock and see that it was 8 and Oli was just waking up. Mike got her out of bed, and brought her to our bed. She and I laid there for a while as she nursed. When she was done, we laid there making silly faces at each other. And then she threw up all over me and the bed. So much for a peaceful morning.

After clean-up, we moved to the living room floor with all of her toys. Mike needed to do some work so she and I played for a while, then she started getting tired and I attempted to put her down for a nap. Of course, she refused to sleep without my boob. She would fall asleep nursing but the second I put her down, she would wake up and look at me with those big blue eyes. I tried to just walk out of the room to see if she'd fall back asleep but she wouldn't. She would lay there fussing and crying until I went back in to get her.

I got her back up and put her in the living room to play some more. I needed to make breakfast and just couldn't take all of the crying and the feeling of my empty stomach at the same time. It had been a couple of hours since I woke up and I was STARVING. If you are a regular follower of this blog, you know that I like to eat. And when I don't eat, I turn into a maniac.

Olivia was playing happily with her toys until I dared to go into the kitchen to make some breakfast for myself. Nevermind that Mike was sitting 6 feet away from her and she could hear my voice. Nevermind that she was surrounded by 800 million toys that she was playing happily with mere seconds ago.

To quiet some of the fussing, I moved her into the kitchen and put her on the floor so she could see me making my breakfast. Meanwhile, Mike was trying to work in the dining room and kept asking "Do you need me to watch her?" Now, my sweet husband didn't mean anything insulting by that question but at this point, I was so crazed with hunger that I took that question as an inference that I wasn't handling Olivia very well that morning. Yep, sometimes I'm Captain Crazy.

So there I stood, that fine Saturday morning, whisking my eggs in a little plastic blue bowl thinking "If I hear one more fussing noise, I'm going to put this fork through my eardrums..." or something equally dramatic. And then she started fussing again. And then I threw the bowl, raw eggs and all, into the wall (Olivia was not in any danger, I assure you. She was sitting at the opposite end of the kitchen). Then I stormed out of the kitchen to get a towel to clean up my temper tantrum.

When I came back, Mike was holding Olivia and shaking his head at my crazy display. I started on my Super Mom Rant again as Mike and Oli just stared at me wiping egg off of the wall. Then Mike said "Shhhh!!!" What the...???? Was he "shushing" me in the middle of my Super Mom Rant? Did he have a death wish? Every man knows you don't interrupt a Super Mom Rant with a "Shhhhh!!" But when I turned around, I saw our sweet girl asleep in his arms. I guess we know what she thinks of the Super Mom Rant.

Mike laid her down in her crib for a nap and when she woke up, we were both different, happier people. And our weekend turned out to be great, actually.

There are a few thoughts I've had about this little episode though:

1. I hate that I threw a bowl of eggs into the wall. I hate that I threw anything at all. I grew up in a house with lots of yelling and throwing things (a story for another day) and I do NOT want Olivia to grow up like that. I have a temper and I have to find better ways to channel it BEFORE I get to my breaking point. It's just so hard for me to ask for help. When I finally do, it's because I need help cleaning egg off of the flippin' wall. Luckily, I have a husband who supports me and offers his help all of the time. And I have a daughter who can sleep through my crazy rants. I am learning when to reach out for help or take a break. But, as you can see from Saturday, this is still a work in progress.

2. When Olivia really starts to get to me, the first thing people say is, "Well, do you want me to take her for a little while?" That question has always bothered me but I wasn't able to put my finger on it until now. No, I don't want anyone to take my kid from me. I love this child with my whole heart and I miss her when she's not with me. Heck, I miss her when we all go to bed at night and I don't get to see her until she wakes up the next morning. Granted, there are times when I do need and want a break from her but, oddly enough, it's not during times like this one. During the Throwing Eggs Against The Wall instances, I just want it to be easy. Yeah, I know, go ahead and laugh. Motherhood ISN'T easy. But there are those moments that all moms live for when things just seem to go smoothly. Hair is fixed, you get wherever you need to be on time, baby is completely happy playing by herself on the floor while you go pee, etc. That's what I really want during the crazy times.

3. To achieve my wish of things being "easy," I have to stay a few steps ahead of the game. My friend, Christina, and I were talking about this on Monday morning as I told her about my Saturday morning. I just felt fried on Monday because of that incident and I was telling her that I just feel like I can't get it together sometimes. What does staying ahead mean? For me, it means getting up at 5 so I can have a little quiet time (like now) to myself to do what I want/need to do. It means unplugging from Facebook/computer/cell phone after dinner so I can spend some quality time with The Boss Lady. It means asking for help BEFORE I need it.

and the last thing I learned through all of this...

4. Turns out a little egg wash makes for a very clean wall. Don't try it yourself, just take it from me.

*Super Mom Rant: A canned speech that includes phrases like "Do you have any idea how much I do around here?", "I never get any time to do anything I want to do!", "Do you know what it's like to be covered in snot/spit up/poop every single day?", etc. The Super Mom Rant is usually directed towards The Baby Daddy. Baby Daddy is not to speak during The Super Mom Rant. He is to listen attentively. At the conclusion of The Super Mom Rant, Baby Daddy is allowed to respond with phrases like "What can I do to help, honey?" and "I am so grateful for all that you do around here." Also at the conclusion of The Super Mom Rant, Super Mom is allowed an uninterrupted shower or hot bath so that she can recharge her Super Powers.