Things my mom friends never told me

I have been incredibly blessed to have a lot of mom-friends who have been here to rejoice, cry, and celebrate with me along this road of parenthood. While I was pregnant, those same friends tried to help prepare me for what motherhood was going to be like. They have empathized with me and shared their own woes and high points with me in the past nearly 5 months.

So far, they've done a mostly good job preparing me for what lies ahead but I've found there are a few things that they didn't share. Several times in this journey, I've called one of them up and said "You'll never believe what just happened to me!" And they've replied "Oh, yeah, that happened to me too." WHAT?!?! Why I was not warned about these things in advance?

I think it's because motherhood can sometimes be like one of those secret societies where you see some of the requirements of membership but they save the real crazy stuff for when you are blindfolded with some sack over your head and surrounded by the others members in some dark, secret, chamber. Then, you're just stuck and you have to just suck it up and move forward. Yep, you have to be initiated in to Motherhood to learn all of the secrets. Until now. 

Secret #1: Plumbing Leaks
You know how those Depends commercials always have old folks walking around looking all happy playing Bingo or walking in the park or whatever? Well, the commercial would be more accurate if it showed a few moms playing with their kids during the day and then going out for a girls' night in their cute party dresses. The slogan could say something like "Whether you are chasing your kids during the day or shaking your money maker at night, Depends is always there to absorb your accidents when you sneeze or laugh too hard." Seriously. And I thought I'd get out of having this problem because I had a scheduled c-section. No such luck.

Secret #2: You are NEVER alone.
Most people know that when you have a baby, your house is never just yours again and you rarely get a moment of quiet or alone time. But it goes further than that at times. I mean, even those moments that used to be private, are no longer all yours. For instance, just last week, I had Olivia at work with me and she was napping peacefully. I had to use the bathroom. And not #1 folks. Just as I was about to head to the bathroom to take care of my business, Olivia woke up. I tried to get her settled so I could go. She was not having any of that and screeched every time I put her down. Since I was at work and other people didn't want to be disturbed by my screeching child, my options were limited. I picked her up, headed to the bathroom, and sat down with her on my lap. She looked pretty happy with herself until the air started getting a little less than fresh. Then, she looked at me with a confused look on her face. I wanted to say, "Hey, you invited yourself to this party, kid. Not me."

Secret #3: You start to feel a sense of accomplishment over weird stuff.
In my working life, I've had the privilege of getting to do some pretty cool stuff. I've been a successful manager, I've been  able to work with mayors and presidents of major companies, and I've even been on the news. Before I had a kid, I considered these things some of my accomplishments. Well, you've heard parents talk about "the little things" in the land of parenthood? I cannot tell you the sense of accomplishment I get from getting a booger out of Olivia's nose. I'm serious. I have no idea why but there is something about seeing one of those gummy things stuck up there and getting it out with that bulb thing or even just my own finger. I'm currently trying to find a way to word that so it looks real professional on my resume.

Secret #4: You lose your filter completely.
When you have a baby, you are almost forced to lose all modesty. People are constantly poking and prodding you and you start to see your body in a whole different light. Like it sort of becomes separate from you, like another entity entirely. So, you start to get a little more comfortable and you just say pretty much anything. You start to throw around words like "vaginal birth" and "mucous plug." And you don't realize how much you've lost your filter until you are at dinner with friends that don't have kids and you say something like "I just remember how excited we were at my last visit with our OB, while I was pregnant with Olivia, and she did my vaginal exam and found that my cervix was dilated 1 centimeter!" Want to see a man squirm? Say that. Mike and I probably need a code word so I don't keep us from getting invited out to dinner with friends.

Those are all of the Super Secrets of this Motherhood gig I've learned so far. I'm sure there are lots more lurking around the corner! Stay tuned for more unveiling of the initiation process...