I made it! Yes, I officially finished my first week of being back at work AND Olivia's first week in daycare! As of Tuesday, I am back at work full time since August 20. I'm happy to report that Olivia and I both did very well and I'm going to go out on a limb here and just say that this week was FANTASTIC!
I have to admit, I was very nervous leading up to Tuesday though. The week before, every day just seemed like a terrible countdown to me. Each day I'd think, "Today is my last Wednesday at home with Olivia..." or "Today is my last Thursday at home with Olivia..." You get the point. I was really struck with the reality of what was about to happen.
The interesting thing about how sad I was feeling is that I really WANT to go back to work. I was really looking forward to it. I love my job and I was so excited about getting back into my work. Like most working moms, though, I was feeling torn. I loved my time at home with my sweet girl. I loved our slow mornings, watching Lifetime and playing on her play mat. I loved our lunch dates with my other mom friends. I loved our late afternoon naps. I wanted to have my work and my "me" time AND I wanted to spend every second with my kiddo. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.
I love my daughter so much and I wasn't sure I was ready to let go of her just yet. When I was pregnant with Oli, I was so ready for her to be here so I could meet her and hold her. I wasn't one of those women who LOVED being pregnant. I mean, it was pretty cool and very special but you won't see me signing up for surrogacy any time soon. But then, she was born and I suddenly realized that she wasn't just mine anymore. See, while I was pregnant, I was the only person who got to spend time with her and get to know her. I didn't realize until it was over just how special that time with her was. It was like we were in our own little bubble. Then she was born and suddenly more people were a part of our bubble. And sharing her with everyone else was hard too but they were family and friends and people I trusted.
I don't mean to sound crazy or possessive here but there is just something about sharing a body with someone that bonds you to them in a way that's difficult to explain. It's hard to let go of that sometimes. It's hard to look at your baby and know that she doesn't belong to just you anymore.
And now, she's really going out into the world. She's going out into the world to meet and get to know people I don't even know that well. And that scared me. My little girl wasn't going to be all mine anymore. I just wasn't sure I was ready to give her up. But I knew I couldn't be a stay-at-home mom.
I believe that we all have a calling in life. I was and am called to be at work. My job there is not done yet and I need to go back. The truth is, I sucked at being a stay-at-home mom. I had no schedule, I took lots of naps, and we were doing different things at different times every day. When I dropped Olivia off at daycare, the music teacher was coming into the nursery to have music time with the kids. Music time! The only music Oli ever heard at this house was the theme song to The Real Housewives of New Jersey, New York, Atlanta, Orange County, and Beverly Hills. And the daycare has like a million cool toys and things for her to play with and on. They have activities for the babies all day. I just don't have the discipline to stay at home with my child and do all of that stuff.
In fact, I'm not sure how anyone does it. My stay-at-home mom friends get so much respect from me. THAT is a tough job. I used to say things like "If I was a stay-at-home mom, I'd have dinner on the table every night and have my house cleaned. How hard could it be?" Well, to all my stay-at-home mom friends, please consider this my very public apology. I was wrong. So wrong. It's really hard to even find time to fix your own hair when you are at home with a baby all day. To be a stay-at-home mom, you have to have a lot of discipline. Or drink heavily. Probably a little of both. All of the stay-at-home moms I know deserve an award. Or a case of liquor.
As a mom, sometimes it feels like you can't win though. When you are at home, you crave adult conversation and work that you get a paycheck for. When you are at work, you miss your kid and wonder what they are up to all day. It's so hard to embrace our calling at times.
That's what I'm doing though, I'm embracing my calling as a working mom. Because I had a great week. So did Olivia. Every day that I picked her up she was smiling and happy and when I dropped her off, she greeted her teachers with a huge smile. It's obvious she is comfortable and happy at her daycare. I was also smiling and happy this week. I have greeted each day with a smile on my face and ended it with the same grin.
And I figured out that I don't have to give up my sweet girl at all. Olivia is such an amazing kid and I've learned that the more I share her, the better I get to know her. I get such a thrill out of hearing how other people interact with my angel. Barack Obama's momma wasn't as proud of him becoming president as I was when everyone at her daycare told me what a happy baby Oli is. I know how awesome my kid is and it is even more awesome to see her through others' eyes.
So even though the week was really great, it was also crazy and hectic and getting used to this new schedule is tricky. It's hard to find a balance with work, family, friends, and getting things done around this house. For instance, right now, I keep looking at my carpet which hasn't been vacuumed since who-knows-when and thinking "Maybe we should just get new carpet." Every night I am ready to fall straight into bed after our whirlwind of a day. But I am seriously loving it. The day is exciting and fun and I cherish every second with my girl.
The funniest part of this week was the first morning I dropped her off. I saw other parents dropping their kids off and I thought, "Wow, I'm really doing this. I'm really dropping my kid off at daycare. I'm like a real live grown-up." I'm not sure why it happened then but I suddenly realized that I am a PARENT. Yes, a real parent. With real responsibilities. Whoa.
So, I was late every day and I forgot something every day and my house is in total disarray but I made it. I survived my first week as a working mom. Actually, I'll give myself more credit here. I did better than just survive. I kinda rocked it. Sure, in order to keep up with things around here I may need a housekeeper...and a gardener...and a cook...and a personal assistant...anyway, the point is I did it! And now I will take my working mom self to bed. After all, tomorrow's Saturday and we all know what that means in the world of parenthood--not a damn thing. My real job, my job as a mom, is 24/7. Good thing that's my calling too.
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