The F Word

Failure. I hate that word. In fact, I've always considered myself to be a failure at failing. I'll be the first (and Mike will be the second!) person to tell you that I think VERY highly of myself. I'm often convinced that everything I do is awesome. When someone doesn't like me or something I've done, I'm genuinely surprised. I'm so convinced that what I think or do is so great that I often feel the need to argue my point until the other person is also convinced that I'm awesome. Seriously. Some might call this arrogance. I've always just thought of it as self-confidence.

BUT, when it comes to my adventures in mommyhood, I feel like I fail a lot and I am constantly doubting myself. I feel like I screw up often and I never know if I'm doing the right thing. And after my confession that I let Oli watch The Real Housewives, you're probably doubting my parenting skills too!

At Oli's daycare they send a daily report home so I can see how she did that day. On Friday, after her first week there, the note from her teacher said that she was a great kid and that I was a great mom. She told me that she was very impressed with me as a mom! "Me?" I thought, "A great mom? Did she get me mixed up with another mom?" I'm always willing to take credit for anything bad that happens but I never take credit for the good. When someone tells me what a great kid Oli is, I usually just give Mike the credit.

Last week, I received calls from 2 girlfriends who told me that they were feeling doubtful and that they felt they were failing as mothers and wives. The craziest thing about this is that these 2 women are the people I call when I need advice. These women who told me they felt like they were letting down their husband or baby, are the people I trust most when I need advice. I admire these women so much and they are FANTASTIC mothers and wives.

What's even crazier is that every, single mom I've talked to has told me they've felt like a failure more than once since they became a mom. So, it seems that ALL moms feel doubtful or like they've failed at some point in this crazy journey! Why is that? Why do we feel like we are failing at times? Why do we doubt ourselves so much when it comes to parenthood?

Funny observation here: I also noticed that I rarely hear men say that they are doubting themselves as fathers or husbands. Rest assured you will never hear my darling husband say "I totally feel like I'm failing as a husband and dad because I haven't changed a diaper in 2 days and I just can't seem to put my dirty socks and underwear in the laundry basket in the mornings." If you do hear him say that, CALL ME IMMEDIATELY!!!

So why do we feel like we've failed so much of the time?

To start, there are about a million opinions and theories on how to be a parent. Every expert out there has a book and a method that teaches you how to raise your child. Because you love your baby, you read so many of those books trying to be the best parent. Then, when you try one of these methods that promises great results and it fails, you feel like maybe it's something YOU did wrong. Surely the expert with all of those extra letters next to their name isn't wrong. So you go back to square one and try to pick another book from among the millions.

Now imagine if you went to the store to purchase a washing machine and the salesman said "I have no idea how this thing works but here are 6,439 owners manuals for you to try. Surely one of them will help you get a load of clothes washed." What???? No way would you purchase that product! But that's how babies are.

Nobody really knows how they work but everyone has an opinion on it. Even doctors don't have all of the answers! I can't tell you how many times I've asked Olivia's doctor a question that I've read 100 experts have an answer to and he shakes his head and says "Well, that's just how babies are," or "Yeah...hmmm...I'm not really sure. Keep an eye on it and call me if it continues." If even he doesn't have all of the answers why do I always feel like I have to?

Then there are the opinions and judgements of other parents. Not only are we hard on ourselves but we are hard on each other! You know you've heard or been a part of those conversations. Those conversations that start a little something like "Did you see her give her son a piece of pizza for lunch?? Pizza! Does she know how fattening and terrible pizza is for kids? My child only eats whole-grain-vegan-fat-free-sugar-free-gluten-free-dairy-free-tasteless rice cakes for lunch. Doesn't she know that's what kids are supposed to eat?"

Why on earth are we judging each other? But we do. We are hard on other parents. Maybe because it makes us feel more secure about our decisions. I have no idea. I'll admit I've been guilty of it though. So, I'm willing to make a deal right now. I won't judge you for letting your kid eat cheetos, you don't judge me for letting mine watch The Real Housewives. Deal?

And let's not forget that the love you have for your baby is the most overwhelming feeling in the world. When you love someone that much you want so badly to do everything right. That can make you doubtful that you are doing anything right at all. The moment you hold that tiny person if your arms, you fall in love with your whole heart. You fall in love with someone you just met. Someone you know nothing about. And someone who gives you NOTHING in return.

If you don't have children, you've probably imagined yourself as a mom and seen yourself holding your baby as she smiles up at you and laughs and plays with you. Well, guess what? That doesn't happen in the beginning. Those smiles take a while and you have to work for them. Olivia didn't smile at all in the beginning and I didn't think she'd ever be happy. I'm pretty sure she didn't like us very much. And although we loved her completely, to be honest, sometimes that feeling was mutual. But we kept at it because that's what parents do.

As a parent you just keep giving and doing everything you can to keep your child healthy, safe, and well taken care of. Having a baby is the first time you ever love someone completely selflessly. Parenthood is the first time we get a glimpse of how completely, how selflessly, God loves us. That kind of love is new, and exciting, and very overwhelming.

I believe that if you hold on to that love and you give that love to your child at all times, you can't possibly be failing. The truth is, you are probably going to screw up. That's okay though because, as our doctor told me once "Stephanie, babies aren't that breakable." Kids are really durable. And just because you let them eat cheetos or watch The Real Housewives doesn't mean they are going to drop out of high school, become a drug dealer, and live in your guest room until they are 40 years old.

I'm tired of feeling like a failure and of hearing women I admire say that they feel like one too. I'm taking a cue from Mike and my pre-baby arrogant self and I'm going to start making a serious effort to take credit for the good stuff too. I'll still screw up and I won't have all of the answers and I'm going to have to just be okay with that. To remind myself just how awesome I am, I'm hanging that note from Oli's teacher on my bathroom mirror so I can see that others see my awesomeness as well. I'm not perfect but I don't have to be. All I have to do is get up every day, give it my best, love my kid like crazy, and enjoy the ride. And I'm doing GREAT at that. Who knows, maybe I'll get that Parent of the Year Award after all!