Love the one you're with...

Today has been a really pretty fantastic day. I had the opportunity to have 2 great conversations with friends—one old, one new.

The first was with a friend with whom I used to work and thankfully have kept in touch with though I have switched jobs twice since we met. We had lunch today and I think maybe the last time I saw her was almost 2 years ago! A lot has changed since then. When she last saw Olivia, she was just learning to crawl and pull up. Now, my friend has her own daughter! I get to keep up with her on Facebook and I’ve loved getting to share in her journey as a new mom. It’s been fun to see the wonderful girl she is raising.

We had so much wonderful conversation today about work and life and parenthood. We were talking about some of the insanity that is motherhood. We have daughters who are very different. My friend’s daughter has been sleeping peacefully through the night since she was like 3 weeks old and she is a pretty easy going kid so far. I don’t mean to diminish any struggles they might have. I’m sure their sweet girl gives them a run for their money at times! And though she sleeps well, their daughter has had a few food issues. Now, she’s only 8 months old so this will likely clear up but I just thought, “Wow, I don’t know what I would have done if Lady Loco had had food issues!” And my friend thought, “Wow, I don’t know what I would have done if my daughter had sleep issues!”

We just laughed at how you always think you know what you can and can’t handle in parenthood and how really you end up handling it no matter what. Because, as my friend put it, God gives you the kid you can handle. So true.

The other conversation was with a brand new friend as of tonight. This new friend is the new husband of a very near and dear friend. This was my first time to meet him and I am so excited I got to! He’s a great fit for her and I’m happy to have him on my list of friends now too!

Tonight, as Olivia was running around us being completely adorable, he said that his wife had told him that we didn’t baby talk Olivia and he just really liked that. We talked about how kids are people too and how they should be treated like the grown-ups we want them to eventually become (with some limitations of course, but all the same).

His own daughter is in a wheelchair due to cerebral palsy and he said one of the most ridiculous things that people do is that they walk up to her and baby talk her or speak really slowly like she’s hard of hearing—even though she’s 19! He shared with me that it’s taken him and her a while to find an appropriate response for this but they have found a way to be comfortable in those situation. He also told me that he really loves and appreciates his daughter for all that she is—wheelchair included.

It struck me tonight that this is one of the key elements to finding joy in Parenthood: love your kid NO MATTER who they are.

Some kids are going to have sleep issues and some are not. Some will be super geniuses and some will struggle or simply be ‘average.’ Some will be physically strong and some will be physically challenged. The point is, as my friend at lunch put it, God gives us the kid we can handle.

And I’ll stop to admit that I have no idea what it’s like to have a special needs child or a child with a handicap. But I hope I’ll have the peace and gratitude for the life of my child like my new friend this evening does for his child who lives every day in a wheelchair.  I hope I continue to have the peace and gratitude for my child with all of her current insanity.

It’s no use comparing your kid to others—you get what you see. Kids are the most incredible kind of person because they are exactly as they appear. They aren’t like us adults with all of our layers and our baggage and our issues. They are just themselves at all times.

I’m confident enough to say that my sweet Boss Lady has some traits that some folks may think they couldn’t live with. But while she and we may not be perfect, our little family is perfect for each other. 

Time to talk

FINALLY!!! A little story about our little vacation...

I have mentioned before that we are in a very bi-polar phase with Olivia where one minute is extreme ecstasy watching her grow and learn and the next minute is extreme agony trying to teach her to be a well-behaved human being. Though it is challenging, Mike and I actually really like this phase overall. It’s really amazing to listen as Oli’s speech improves, to watch her discover things, to see her brow furrow up as she contemplates a relationship between her thoughts and her world. It’s INCREDIBLE.

The agonizing part though is the obvious, of course: fit throwing, saying “No!” when we ask her to do things, and testing every boundary and rule we have. The Boss Lady is a GREAT kid and I mean that so when I list the “bad” here it is truly just behavior and not her, per say. She is extremely energetic which is a good thing until it’s 7:30 at night and we are just getting home from work and Mike and I are just a *little* exhausted and she’s running circles around us as we rush to get dinner ready and get her into the bath.

She loves to play but can hardly play by herself and has an almost inability to be in a room by herself at all. She will literally be happily watching a movie on one couch while I’m on the other but the second I get up to pee, she jumps up and stands beside the toilet while I take care of business. I think the maximum amount of time she’s played by herself was about 15 minutes. I’m not sure what that’s about. I suspect some of that is a product of our parenting style. We LOVE to interact with our girl and we give her a lot of attention. I wouldn’t change that at all but sometimes it would be nice to be able to do something else in my house except sit on the couch and watch Pixar movies. Because when you get up to do something, ANYTHING else other than pay attention to her, she won’t have any of that either. Cleaning the house is hard with a toddler attached to your leg—literally.

And really we could probably not even need to vent about those things at all if our crazy monkey child would just FREAKING GO. TO. SLEEP. Maybe I’ve alluded to our “sleep issues” a little lately. I can’t remember, I’m too damn tired. But here’s the state of affairs in the Kingdom of No Freakin’ Sleep:

I get up at 5 each day to go to the gym. Mike gets up at 5:30 to get ready for work. I get home between 6:30-7 (depending on the workout of the day). Mike leaves at 7 or 7:30. Olivia wakes up around 7, I finish getting ready and make us both breakfast and we are out the door by 8:30. I drop her off at school where she learns and plays all day. Mike picks her up at 5:30, they go to the gym, she plays and runs at the gym “daycare.” I get home around 6:30 and start dinner. We eat dinner at 7:30, Olivia is in the bath by 8:30 and then she doesn’t freaking go to sleep until 10 or 11!!!!! Yes, you read that right. Let me say it again though:

10 or 11

AT NIGHT!!!!

And by go to sleep I mean that at 9, I’m usually about to fall over dead and I convince her to lay down with me in mine & Mike’s bed only to spend the next 2 hours listening as Barney sings about love and farm animals and rainbows and crap and I threaten Olivia 8,000 times that if she doesn’t lay down and be still she’s going to her own room. So, why do I threaten and not do it? Because folks, about 4 months ago, we had to take Olivia out of her crib and put her in a Big Girl Bed because she’s tall and could scale her crib and did it several times right after she got her cast off. We didn’t want her to reinjure herself so we went ahead and bit the bullet. And do you think she will lay in that bed at all while she’s conscious? Nope. We have tried bedtime routines, we have tried laying in there with her (which only resulted in us falling asleep in her bed while she laid there tossing and turning and asking for things like yogurt and salami and water and books), and we have tried walking her back every time she got up. After about the 30^th (I’m not exaggerating) time of walking her back to her room, the only person ready for bed was Mike or me.

But it doesn’t end there. Even after she finally falls asleep, Oli is back up again at 1 or 2 crying like she’s being attacked and she will NOT go back to sleep without one of us sleeping with her. Folks, this is worse than the Newborn Stage. Just in case you missed why, let me do the math for you: Asleep at 10 (on a good day), up at 1 or 2, up again at 7.

Napping is non-existent as well and has been for about 6 months. She rests at school because it’s required and the whole class is doing it but she does NOT nap at home. I always have to chuckle a little when someone is watching her during the day and they say “She didn’t nap today…” as if they did something wrong. I kind of want to act all shocked and horrified and say something like “HOLY CRAP YOU SCREWED UP HER WHOLE SLEEP SCHEDULE!!!” But that would be mean. Funny but mean. Because everyone just sort of expects that a 2 & ½ year old takes a frickin’ nap.

About a month after lots of tears and me threatening to get on a plane to a tropical island and never come back, we just kind of gave up. There was one particular night that I was just in tears over how tired I was and after a couple of hours of trying to get Olivia to go to sleep, I just got in my car and went for a drive. Mike was home with her and when I finally came home an hour later she was asleep and I was at the end of my rope. That’s when we just quit fighting it.

Now, we just let her stay up until she’s tired. Sometimes she lays down with me in the bed, sometimes she falls asleep in the living room with Mike. And inevitably, at around 1 or 2 she wakes up again and one of us goes to lay down with her. Until about a month ago, I was the one primarily getting up with her but for about a month, Mike agreed to get up with her and he did a great job. Now we just trade off.

And if you read all of this one more time, you’ll notice something HUGE is missing from this picture: time with my husband. Between our work and the fact that we have a child who goes to bed AFTER us and who gets up while we are getting ready for work and who will fight for our attention over dinner should we DARE to have a conversation with each other, we don’t have time to talk AT ALL. And though Mike moves Olivia to her bed once she’s fallen asleep, I’m usually asleep too so we don’t even get to go to bed together. And because one of us has likely gotten up in the night to put her back to bed, sometimes we don’t even wake up in the same bed.

Yes, we could do the co-sleeping thing but sleeping with my toddler is like sleeping with an octopus. There are limbs everywhere and I’m getting kicked in the head, the boob, the stomach, whatever. We do NOT sleep well with her in there between us. Or rather, I don’t sleep well. And let me tell you, when parents say their kid has “sleep issues” what they really mean is “I don’t give a crap why my kid isn’t getting any sleep, I JUST WANT TO GET SOME FREAKING SLEEP.” The only person with the “issue” here is the parent. And that parent is me. And Mike. We need sleep.

There is a very good reason that sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique. You go a few days without it and you start getting cray-cray.

Between our constant parenting and our lack of sleep, Mike and I get to talk so little lately that often friends or family will tell me something expecting me to tell Mike but when they say “Hey, did Steph tell you…” he’s like “Um, nope, didn’t know that.” Because we rarely have time to just debrief about our day. In fact about 2 weeks ago there was something kind of important I needed to tell him and I couldn’t even remember if I had. It’s important to tell your spouse important things!

Really right now I just want to take a break to make sure I’m being VERY clear: We truly have an incredible kid. She is funny and smart and loving and so much fun to be around. What I’m hoping you are getting  a picture of here is how *involved* our lives our with her. So much so that we are missing out on time with each other.

We try to keep it in perspective by reminding ourselves that every time we think we can’t go on through a certain phase, it’s over and we are on to the next. Someday we will get adequate sleep. Someday, we will not have a nightly battle with Oli about bedtime. In fact, someday, we might miss the extra time with Lady Loco. But that doesn’t mean this isn’t a challenging time just as much as it is a rewarding one. Not getting to talk, not getting to really spend time with each other is really hard on Mike and me.

I am incredibly fortunate to have a marriage that is built on a strong foundation but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t need some TLC. Mike and I miss just talking to each other. We miss spending a Friday night on the couch watching a movie that doesn’t have talking animals. We miss getting to ask “How was your day?” and then to be able to hear the answer and really respond. We miss getting to snuggle up together as we fall asleep.

Then my sister, Michelle, mentioned she wanted to take a 4 day trip to San Diego to celebrate her 30^th birthday. I think you can imagine mine and Mike’s response. It’s possible we may have been more excited than she was and it was her birthday celebration! We did feel so blessed to be able to go out to celebrate with her and we knew we needed to get away to just be together, to be adults again, to just be us again.

So, in January, we booked 2 tickets to Sunny California and started counting down the days. This past Thursday, my mom got in town to watch Oli A and on Saturday morning at 7:30, we boarded a plane and we were off!

I cannot begin to tell you what an incredible time we had. We had such a blast just getting to spend time together and it was so much fun to spend time with Michelle and her husband, Michael. We walked around the city, enjoyed some of the best food I’ve ever had, and we took advantage of every happy hour we could.

For almost four days, we talked and laughed, we walked the beach, we slept in, and I took long showers without seeing little toddler hands plastered to the shower door asking me when I was going to be done. We even had our own little marriage endurance test in the form of kayaking. Yes, kayaking. Have you ever been? It’s freaking hard. You REALLY have to work together. And I’ll admit that there were a few times I was yelling “What are you doing back there!?!?!?” But we made it and we enjoyed some really awesome views and saw some sea lions and it ended up being a lot of fun.

It was just so relaxing to sit on a patio or in a fun restaurant enjoying food and drinks and hanging out with Michael and Michelle. We talked about all kinds of things and sometimes we even talked about parenthood and The Boss Lady but the most important thing is that we actually got to TALK.

On our last day there, Mike and I were so excited to see our girl. This was the longest we had been away from her and we had both been nervous heading out. I think we had a good mix of enjoying our time away and missing her. It was a perfect amount of time to be away. I’ll admit though: I was sad to leave our little bubble of “US.” I was super excited to see my girl but I knew that the second we came home, it would be back into Crazy Town. Don’t get me wrong, I love Crazy Town. I am a resident here by choice. Hell, I’m damn near the Mayor. But I really enjoyed my 4 days of R&R.

Though our welcome home was tear-inducing for me when Olivia saw me and ran toward me yelling “Mommy!!!” the second we walked in the door on Tuesday night, things have been back to normal. I immediately started on 5 loads of laundry and Olivia refused to go to sleep until 11 even though I was beat from our trip. Right now, I’m watching Oli straddle the back of the couch while singing the wheels on the bus as she attempts to eat yogurt. Oh and we are watching some movie about talking fish. You might have guessed this but there is NO sign of her being sleepy or ready for bed.

I’m okay with all of this insanity though. More okay than I was before we took a break. We really needed that break and I think all parents do. Honestly, it’s not something Mike and I really prioritized before. We are always torn between wanting to be together but being anxious about being away from Olivia for an extended period of time. And when I say “we” I mean “we.” I know it’s more typical for the mom to have mixed emotions but my sweet husband loves his girl. He misses her just as much as I do when we are away.

I think we learned a lot on our little get away. We learned that Oli will be just fine without us for a few days. We learned that we REALLY need to prioritize US a lot better. And we don’t have to fly out of state to do it. We need to just be honest with our family and friends when we need a break and ask them to take Oli for a night. Michelle and Michael said it best on Monday night when they said “You guys suck! Why don’t you just ASK us to keep her for a night?? We totally will!” And really Olivia LOVES spending time with other members of our family. She had a blast spending the weekend with my mom, her GJ (Grandma Jannette). They played and ate lots of sugary things and didn’t have any obligations and that’s good for both of them.

We’ve wanted to have a little getaway well before this weekend but wanting something and actually prioritizing it are two different things.  We can’t help that Olivia goes to be so late and we can’t help that we don’t get much (if any) time together. We CAN help making plans to drop Olivia off with a trusted family member or friend for the day or night so we can be together. I think the best gift we can give our daughter is showing her the importance of taking a break, the importance of spending time together as a couple, the importance of her spending time with other members of our family, and the joy of being together again after having taken a small break apart.

Now all we have to do is figure out our next destination…

Life just happens

So last night I went to bed with every intention of writing about our wonderful, much needed vacation. But right now, I want to crawl under the covers and never come out. Because today: life happened. It started last night actually when my sweet child REFUSED to go to sleep and I think she finally did around 11. What flippin' 2 & 1/2 year old stays up until 11??

Then I was too tired to get up and go to the gym today so I woke up at 6:30, worked all day and forgot to take a lunch break where I had planned to write about the vacation you won't even want to hear about by the time I ACTUALLY get around to telling you about and the importance of it to my sanity and marriage. I came home, where my mom had planned a really nice birthday dinner for my sister, Michelle, and me and stepped off into some s*&t by opening my big mouth. The night ended okay except that until about 30 seconds ago, my child was hitting me with a Shrek DVD and telling me "I DON'T WANT TO WATCH THIS!!!!" and pointing to the TV where my mom and Mike are watching Duck Dynasty. Seriously, I want to cry.

This is life folks: some days rock and some days it feels like you ran smack dab into a giant rock. Some days you think you are going to have time to reflect on your awesome time away with your husband and some days you find it hard to believe that your vacation was just 24 SHORT hours ago. I almost literally feel like it never happened.

But that's okay. No, really, it is. There are good days and bad and the key is not to let it beat you down. The key is to stop and reflect on the good of the day--like spending the morning with my sweet girl, or enjoying a birthday dinner with my mom and sisters, Megan and Michelle (and our sweet hubbies and kids) which brought back a lot of good memories of our childhood, or like watching my Oli play with her cousins and hearing her hilarious squeal, like knowing that as soon as I log off here, I'll go snuggle with Lady Loco (even if it takes her until 11 to fall asleep). And tomorrow I'll get up and rally but today, life just happened. And I'm going to bed.

The best reunion

Tonight, we got home from our vacation and while I was a little sad to be leaving our sunny destination, Mike and I were REALLY excited to get home to our sweet Oli A! I was nervous though that she would see us and not recognize us or not want anything to do with us. Silly thoughts, I know, but this was the longest we've been away from her and I was just scared she wouldn't be excited to see us.

As we got off the plane, Mike and I fought our way to the front of the line to get our luggage, got in our car and broke the speed limit in our excitement to get home.

When we walked in the door, I anxiously approached my sweet girl who jumped up and yelled, "MOMMY!!!!!!!!" She ran right into my arms and hasn't wanted me to put her down yet. Which is why I have to go. Because I'm not passing this up, people.

And, I PROMISE, I'll write more about our vacation tomorrow! It was such a wonderful time and I am SO happy we got away. But tonight, I want to enjoy this sweet reunion with my sweet girl.

I don't wanna go back!!!

I don't want to be whiny here but I REALLY don't want to go back to real life! I mean, I actually really like my real life. But this vacation life of sleeping 8+ hours and eating leisurely meals and stopping for a drinking every few hours as I pal around town...well...this is the stuff dreams are made of! And have I mentioned that I've been able to actually *talk* to my husband? CRAZY, right????

Well, okay I definitely would go back to get my sweet Oli because I do love the sound of her voice. And I might go back because if I stay here, I will weigh 8 million pounds because the food is INCREDIBLE. And I might go back because if I don't I'm sure mine and Mike's employers will discontinue our paychecks. At which point our get away won't seem so cool.

So, yeah, I'll come back. Tomorrow. After I get another 10 hours of sleep!

Vacation with The Fitness Freaks

This morning, these fitness freaks I'm vacationing with wanted to go on a run to "enjoy the beautiful city." A RUN!! That they tried to convince me would be so wonderful. I tried to convince them that enjoying this beautiful city for me equated to a patio and bottomless mimosas. They weren't having it and so I *reluctantly* agreed to put on my running shoes and at least go for a walk while they had their "enjoyable run."

I laced up my sneakers, explained to the part of me that was desperately shouting "NOOOOOOOO!!!!" that breakfast was just around the corner, and off I went. Not at a walk though. At a jog. My sweet sister kept pace with me for quite some time to keep me company. Well, and maybe to make sure I didn't take a detour into one of the many plates of french toast and buckets of bloody mary's we were passing.

I'm not gonna lie: As I jogged past the folks sitting on patios living out my dream morning, I felt a little bit impressed with myself. I was kind of thinking "Yeah, look at me. I'm running. Not eating a high calorie, high carb breakfast. I'm working out like a beast! SUCK IT!" I have no doubt that they saw me running by, hair pulled back in a pony tail, workout clothes on, and thought "Is that girl going to be okay?" 

I kept a pretty good pace, you know, for someone isn't really a runner. We even went up a few flights of stairs and I handled that pretty well. I'll admit that the scenery was quite wonderful BUT it was hard to focus on that because of the rabid dog that was chasing me. Well, at least I thought it was a rabid dog. I mean, what would you think if you kept feeling slobber hit your shoes and you kept hearing this horrid ragged breathing? Yeah, see? Turns out though it was actually me slobbering and breathing like Darth Vader. I told you, I'm NOT  runner. Running is HARD.

Sometime in the middle of my second loop around this what-would-have-been-gorgeous-if-I-had-not-been-RUNNING park/trail, I told myself that if I could just finish the second loop, I could walk the third. But then I got back to the beginning and I sort of thought "Steph, you're stronger than that. You can run just *one more loop!*" So I did. And despite the fact that I was being passed up by little old ladies 3 times my age, I was proud of my jog (Okay, shuffle).

When I got back to the beginning of the loop and it was time to head back, I thought I'd just walk back. But I dug in again and kept going. I sang the Rocky theme to myself as I scaled the last set of stairs and at the end I stopped to catch my breath, feeling embarrassed for nearly puking but still proud of my efforts. AND THEN I JOGGED SOME MORE! My sweet hubby stayed with me on that last leg, encouraging me, and never judging me for my Old Lady Shuffle back to the hotel.

This is what I love about where I am at this point in my life. I am getting wise enough to make better choices but I have the confidence to try things and to push myself in ways I never have. Now don't get excited: I am NOT going to become a runner. I do not enjoy running. It's just not my thing. When the hotel concierge asked, "How was the run this morning?" The Fitness Freaks all said, "Oh, just BEAUTIFUL! We could have run forever!" I said, "It was kind of beat down." The front desk guy and I have a pact that he'll bring doughnuts and I'll bring coffee if The Fitness Freaks try to make me go running again on my freaking vacation! I kid, I kid.

I'm actually really glad they encouraged me to go. I have a great family that isn't pushy but encouraging. And I appreciate the encouragement and the fact that they didn't just leave me behind with my slow jog. I appreciate that they wouldn't have given me a hard time even if I had stayed at the hotel in bed. I appreciate that they did a great job of making me feel good about myself for getting up and going. And, really, let's be honest: I really REALLY appreciated the reward after the run--breakfast and bottomless mimosas.

I kind of thought this might happen...

Yesterday morning, I woke up at my normal time (5 a.m.), went to spin class, went to work, work, work, work, came home, packed for our trip (What, you didn't know we are on a mini-vacay? More on that later!), and attended a friend's birthday party and lo and behold, I FORGOT to do a blog post yesterday! Well, actually I kind of remembered when I got home from the birthday party but I had had a *couple* of glasses of wine so trust me when I say I really did you a favor by sparing you my wine induced ramblings.

This morning, I told Mike that I was upset that I had failed at my Lenten resolution. I thought that might happen but I was really, really hopeful I could pull this off. Then, instead of saying "What's the big deal anyway?", my sweet husband said "You only fail if you give up and stop writing." I love this man, ladies and gentlemen. He is my encourager at all times without being pushy. I love that he knows just the thing to say to motivate me.

Today, I have purposefully prioritized my time on several other things instead of writing so I actually don't have much time for this post. Today I spent time walking around an incredible city, in beautiful weather with my sweet man, my sister, Michelle and her husband, Michael. We stopped occasionally to have something to eat or to enjoy a happy hour here and there. And then I took a one hour nap. AND THEN I took a one hour shower! Tonight, we are headed out to dinner and then who-knows-what--the night is ours to do with what we wish! Again, more on this adventure later. Tomorrow...hopefully.