Lost and found

Yesterday, three little happenings occurred which helped me to put into perspective something that’s been gnawing at me for several months. Until yesterday though, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it and I didn’t yet have the words.

The first thing that happened was a conversation between Mike and me yesterday morning. My husband and I rarely have a chance to talk these days. Often, I’ll find myself mentioning something about so and so or such and such and he’ll be like “WHAT????” And I’ll be all, “Oh…yeah…didn’t I tell you that??? I could have sworn I told you…maybe I just said it in my head…” Between work and kids and sleep and just the basic functions of running a household, we just don’t have a lot of time to really TALK. As a result, I find that I have all of these thoughts that build up in my head and come tumbling out in what is usually a very ill-timed conversation. Like 6:30 in the morning. When we have a baby with a fever. And I’m trying to get ready for work. And Mike is trying to get The Boss Lady ready for school.

Nevertheless, it was at that very time that I felt the need to begin to put into words this great thing that has been looming in my mind for quite some time. So I blurted out, while I was packing my lunch,

“I feel like we are coworkers sometimes. I miss just getting to TALK to you. I miss getting to just breathe. And I’m starting to feel like I’m standing in the middle of a hurricane just watching all of this busyness take over everything. I feel lost and like I can’t keep up most days. And alone, I feel alone. The only place I feel like ME right now is at work because it’s the only place where I know what I’m doing or whether or not I’m appreciated.”

And my sweet husband looked at me with his big, honest, innocent eyes and said “I’m sorry. I thought that I was helping out by doing more and—

Olivia, stop scratching your vagina!”

True freaking story.

Smack dab in the middle of trying to connect with the man that I’ve built a life with, one of the tiny people we created together interrupted us AGAIN. Because even when we are feeling down or lost or harried, we still have to be parents and monitor things like vagina scratching (No, really. It’s become a chronic and embarrassing—for us, not her—issue.).

Anyway, it wasn’t some ground breaking, earth shattering conversation. I was just trying to get some things out about how I’m feeling lately and when our moment was interrupted, I felt furious and extraordinarily sad. I wanted to scream, “THAT’S IT!!! NO MORE. NO. MORE.” 

No more of what? I have no idea. No more of me being pushed aside I guess. No more of my relationship with Mike being pushed aside. No more having to be the Vagina Scratching Monitor. Just No More. 

The second thing happened in a meeting later that morning. One of the managers said “Did y’all hear about the forest fires in California?” And I realized I hadn’t heard about them so I said proudly, “Nope. But I can tell you all the members of the Paw Patrol.” Boom.

But really, inside my head, I was thinking “How did I not know about this? Where the hell have I been?” I used to listen to the news every single day. And all I know about the world right now is that Indiana sucks (or is that Illinois?), the Middle East is dangerous, and One Direction broke up. My news these days comes from a preschool Facebook page and website.

The third thing occurred on my way home from work when I heard on the radio that Malcolm Gladwell was going to be speaking at a luncheon later this month. MALCOLM. FREAKING. GLADWELL. I nearly squealed with excitement. Oh, AND he has a new book! I felt like it was Christmas in April and as soon as I walked in the door, I announced to Mike, “Malcolm Gladwell is coming! And I don’t care what it costs, I’m going to that luncheon!” And he said “You are such a nerd. I love that about you.”

And that’s when these three things collided together in my head. That’s when I realized what’s been gnawing at me for the past few months:

I’m getting lost in the hustle and bustle that is Motherhood.

Right now, my life is full of packing lunches, signing up for snack week, pumping breast milk, making sure eggs are stuffed for the school Easter party, dance class, dirty diapers, books about princesses and trains, snotty noses, windows streaked with hand prints. And, yes, it absolutely is filled with immense volumes of joy. But it is BUSY and it is fast paced and it is exhausting. And all of me is wrapped up in this but that means that other parts of me are being pushed to the side.

See, B.K. (Before Kids), I used to do things like go to bible study and take notes during church so I could absorb the message even better (See? Nerd.). I was a part of a book club for about 5 minutes which I ADORED. I remember going to the library with Mike and each of us leaving with a stack of books. I’d stay up all night or sit on the patio all day reading voraciously. I used to get a subscription to Time and I used to listen to the news every day. I used to eat at restaurants that don’t have play structures. I used to get to talk to my friends, uninterrupted, about any topic we wanted. Mike and I used to take walks around our neighborhood together and grill steaks on Sunday.

I used to be this whole person that enjoyed doing things just because they made life more interesting or helped me think about the world. I used to do things for ME.

These days, I don’t do things for me. I even thought about my monthly pedicure and how that’s become more of a maintenance item than a luxury because I simply don’t have time to take care of my feet at home. And you’d think that getting to sit down in a big comfy chair while someone massages your feet would be a huge treat but for me, it’s not. I schedule them during my lunch breaks at work so that I don’t take time away from our family during the weekend. The place I frequent had this express pedicure option and they did away with that for a lengthier, more luxurious one. I was actually UPSET about that because I don’t have the time for it. Who in the mother crap gets upset about a longer pedicure??????

I currently have a purse that is fraying at all of the seams not because I don’t want a new one or don’t know that I’m in “need” of a new one but because I don’t have time to go shopping.

And do I even want to bring up the fact that I hardly ever work out these days? I'm seriously exhausted. I haven't slept through the night in nearly 8 months. Each night I go to bed wondering what it's going to take to motivate me to get up and work out. The alarm goes off the next morning and my head is trapped in a fog of sleep deprivation and an overall feeling of mental exhaustion. 

Yeah, I know – wah, wah, wah. Poor me that I don’t get to fully enjoy my pedicure or upgrade my handbag or go to the gym. But the point is that even what were once fun things have become items on my ever growing list of “to do’s.”  

Yes, Motherhood has made my life rich in ways I didn’t even know were possible. It has pushed me and stretched me (literally and figuratively) and made me think. It blew my heart right open and though this seems contrary to what I’ve just written, it’s made me more ME.

But in all of that stretching and growing, some other parts of me have run out of space in my life. Motherhood is a whirlwind of dirty diapers and hissy fits and giggles and smiles and hugs and it is easy to get lost in all of that. Sometimes that’s a great thing. And sometimes I feel like I’m standing there, watching all of this busyness happen and wondering where I went. All while being trapped in a fat suit.

When I bought that ticket to see Malcolm Gladwell, at first I could not understand why I was SO excited. Then I realized that this is the first thing I’ve done for myself that is reminiscent of my B.K. life in a VERY long time. This luncheon has nothing to do with my children—or any children really. This is just about me going to geek out about a writer whose books I used to pour over again and again because I had all the time in the world to do it.  

Look, I get it. I have small kids right now and this day to day sprint is just how it is. I get that. Really, I do. I know that there will be a day when I have ample time to drink coffee or wine on the patio as I dive into a book. I’ll be able to listen to the news in the car instead of the Frozen soundtrack. I’ll be able to take notes in church. When that day comes, the complete psychosis that is Parenthood will set in and I’ll miss THESE days. I know that.

But I can’t let myself get lost in this journey either. Even Mike said it—he loves my nerdiness. But it’s something I put on the back burner for everything else in our life. If I’m going to continue to be a good mom and wife (or at least a functioning one), every now and then I have to throw my B.K. self a little love. She’s there, waiting patiently in the wings. She’s there with her notebooks and news stories ready for the day when the school Easter egg hunt is no longer a pressing matter. And she’s excited about that luncheon later this month. Excited that it’s just for her and no one else. Excited to be found again and brought out into the world, if only for a couple of hours for lunch.