Let's Talk About Sex!

Just a few short weeks ago, I was having lunch with some friends (one of them also a new mom) and the conversation turned to the topic of sex after having a baby. Never did I ever think sex would be such a big deal until I, myself, was facing Post Partum Sex. And, for those of you who don't already know, this is sort of a big deal because after having a baby, you aren't "allowed" to have sex for about 6 weeks.

I have to admit that I was a little nervous about getting back in the game again! At my 4 week post-partum visit with my doctor, she informed Mike and me that we could start again in 2 weeks. I could tell from the look in Mike's eyes that he saw this as Christmas coming early this year. For me, it felt a little like a warning!

Don't get me wrong--I was looking forward to some intimacy with my husband again, but, like I said, I was nervous! After all, I don't exactly have the same body I had pre-baby. My stomach, which has never been washboard-esque, now looks a little like a map of rivers in a country with A LOT of rivers. And my boobs are just humongous. If you are a guy and reading that, you probably think that's hot. But, trust me, it's not. Just last week, I was driving past a small farm and I saw a cow with big swollen udders standing in the field as her calf nursed from her and I had this sudden urge to walk up to her, pat her on the head, and say "I feel ya, sister!" See? Not hot.

The whole lunch conversation got me thinking about sex. And not just in a hot, steamy way. I mean, I have a kid now. A sweet little girl. What would I teach her about sex when the time came?? And, like most parents, I don't want my child to make the same mistakes I made. And I certainly don't want her to learn about such a hot topic from television or some creepy guy.

What would I tell her about doing the deed?? Would I tell her to come to me first and try to be "cool" about the whole thing? Would I tell her to wait to get married? How would she know what to do when the time came for her to make that decision?

It hit me that we have such a crazy view of sex in this country. Most of what young people learn (and most of what I learned) comes from television shows where the portrayal of sex is just outrageous.

Think about it. On tv shows, married sex is just laughable. Most married couples look a little ridiculous. There's the cute, but naggy wife and the buffoon of a husband who's always trying to initiate sex while she swats him away because she's too tired from chasing after the kids all day. Or someone is stressed, or gassy, or just name the excuse for never getting any.

Single sex is portrayed as this exciting, hot, amazing thing. Men and women alike can have lots of it and never get hurt. They have their night of passion and then head back to their apartment to dish about it with their friends. When one of them does get knocked up, they all pitch in to raise the baby and everyone lives happily ever after.

Get real. Look, I'm not judging AT ALL. Because the truth is, I bought into this lie and I had sex before I was married (sorry you had to hear about it this way, Mom.). And guess what? I regret it. And not just for the usual reasons. For a second, let's put aside the moral issues and the risk of disease or unplanned pregnancy. I regret it because it was just a big waste of my time, energy, and heart.

When I could have been spending time with my awesome girlfriends, there I was with Joe Schmoe, feeling uncomfortable and not confident enough to say what felt good or didn't. Then, I'd worry if he would call again or respect me the next day. It just wasn't good. I shared a part of myself that Joe Schmoe didn't have an appreciation for. 

The real truth is that, since I've been married, I've had the greatest sex of my life!! Don't worry, I won't go into detail, but, it's true. The fact is, it's amazing because it has a few things you just can't get outside of a marriage: trust, respect, and total commitment. And, yeah, sometimes we are tired or gassy or whatever but that doesn't mean we don't do it well or often!

I'm not saying we should have tv shows that are all about married sex, but I do think we should stop feeding the lie.

Now, let me get down from my soapbox so I can answer the question you are probably dying to hear the answer to. Did we get back in the game?? Oh yeah, we did!

And when we did, it was just as awesome as it was before having a child. It turns out, I didn't have to feel self-conscious at all about my new "flaws" since having Oli. Mike didn't see all of the imperfections that I do. He saw his wife, the woman whose body carried and fed his child and whose heart belongs completely to him. 

The next morning, I didn't have to worry about whether he would respect me because I already know he does. When he got up to get The Boss Lady and change her diaper, it didn't make the night before any less passionate or meaningful. When he brought her to our room, she laid there between us and we stared at her beautiful face, in awe of this amazing person we made together, and I knew that, yeah, I'll ask her to wait for her husband. Because THIS is worth the wait.