Fodder for The Mommy Wars

You’ve probably seen it and if you haven’t, you’ve heard about it: The Mommy Wars Similac commercial. I didn’t particularly care for the commercial and it’s taken me a couple of weeks to figure out why. If you haven’t seen it and would like to, just Google and you’ll find it in about a half a second. Or scroll through your FB newsfeed and surely someone has posted it. If you don’t want to watch it, let me give you the cliff notes version:

A bunch of mommies are at the park and they represent all stereotypes: breastfeeding, formula feeding, stay-at-home, working, baby wearing, and even dads make an appearance. And they’re all about to throw down until one of the baby carriages rolls away, down a hill, and ALL of the parents go running after it in solidarity to save the life of this infant. After they catch the runaway carriage, all of the moms start talking and find some common ground because we’re all in this together and it’s all about taking care of our kids no matter how we choose to do it.

Here’s why I didn’t like it: I think it represents us all as being one dimensional. For instance, I’m a working mom who breastfeeds and sometimes baby wears and also uses disposable diapers. Nearly every single woman I know is multi-dimensional like that or might have some characteristics that seem contrary to each other. I breastfeed because it’s the best nutritional option for my babies but I let my 4 & ½ year old eat Cheetos. And if I couldn’t produce milk or needed to supplement, I would use formula. That doesn’t seem complicated to me. I baby wear when I need to but prefer my kids sleep in their own bed. I recycle and am constantly pulling things out of the trash (thanks to my hubby and daughter) to put in the recycle bin but I use disposable diapers. Being a mom isn’t so one dimensional.

And, quite frankly, I felt like the stereotypes they were trying to discourage actually seemed WORSE. Maybe that was the point? Or maybe I’m sensitive and didn’t like seeing my own stereotype represented. I’m not sure which it was but the whole thing didn’t sit well with me.

At the end of the commercial, I actually thought, "Yeah right. After they all went home, they talked about that mom with the runaway baby carriage. They were probably bad mouthing her with things like 'What kind neglectful mom lets their baby carriage get away from them?'" Kidding, kidding. Kind of. 

Until last night, I actually thought the Mommy Wars were a myth. Evidently, I’ve gotten lucky. I posed a question to my FB friends about the Mommy Wars asking if they had ever been a part of one and if they had, what the war was over. Though not a large number of women responded, there was A LOT of discussion about it. Turns out, the Mommy Wars are real. Women are being judged and insulted and degraded by other women pretty frequently over things that, to me, seem ridiculous. I’m amazed that so many women have an opinion on how other people raise their kids AND FEEL THE NEED TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES. I don’t think I’ve ever been judged or made to feel bad about a parenting decision I’ve made.

Actually, there was ONE time I was involved in a Mommy War of sorts. I wrote about it a little in a prior post. I mentioned it in one of my Confessions. I was at Target and swatted Olivia on her bottom and told her in my Very Mean Mommy Voice that she was going to lose her special treat because she had climbed on the registers. 4 times. A man flagged me down in the parking lot and told me to “please be nicer” to my kid. I ran him over with my car. End of War. 

Maybe that’s why no one has ever said anything to my face…

Just kidding. I actually went home and cried and wondered what I could have done differently. Then I remembered that some people are douche bags. And I had some wine and all was right with the world.

In all seriousness, I really was hurt and offended on behalf of my friends to whom such horrid things have been said. Reading about their experiences made me sad and a whole lotta angry. Who are these Mommy Bitches who feel it is their duty to tell other moms that they are doing it wrong?? I thought about how thankful I am that (aside from Douche Bag Target Man) I’ve been so well supported in the mom community instead of being broken down.

I knew that I had to take action. While I can’t lay the smack down on every woman who has hurt my friends, I can give all of you wonderful mommies out there some tools to deal with the winches who feel they need to undermine you. If you are like me, often you walk away from a situation a little flabbergasted and it’s not until later that you think of all of the things you SHOULD have said. I’ve come up with a few canned responses for you to utilize should you ever find yourself on the battlefield of The Mommy Wars:

If you are being judged for formula feeding because you are pumping “chemicals” or “poison” into your baby…

Simply say, “Oh, I wasn’t aware that you lived on a farm.” You’ll probably get a response like “What?” or “Huh?” or maybe just a confused look.

Then say, “Well, I’m assuming that if you are criticizing me for putting chemicals into my child via her food, then you must grow your own food. I mean, surely YOU’VE never given your child pre-packaged food that has CHEMICALS in it?? And a fast food restaurant…I bet YOU’VE never been to one of those. Wow, what a life your kids must have getting to grow their own food and raise their own meat. Hang on a second while I open this bag of Cheetos for my oldest. Also, if you don’t mind, next time we meet up, please shut the fuck up.”

If you are being judged for formula feeding because you didn’t “try” hard enough at breastfeeding or you are being lazy…

“You know you’re right. I totally chose formula because, as everyone knows, formula babies are completely self-sufficient. I mean, I hardly have to lift a finger since I started formula with my daughter. In fact, just the other day, my 9 month old was crying and I told her, ‘Quit that fussing Apple Blue Ivey Riley Kingston!!! We didn’t start feeding you formula so you could be a whiny, titty baby! Now get up and finish folding that laundry like I asked you to 10 minutes ago.’ It’s amazing how little I have to try with my child these days. You should try it, too! You know what else you should try? Shutting the fuck up.”

If you are being judged for breastfeeding beyond whatever age the person talking feels is appropriate…

“Well, we’re hoping Junior is off the boob by prom. But I’ve got a dress I can wear just in case. After all, I’m his mommy and want to be there for EVERYTHING. Also, if I don’t breastfeed as long as possible, how else am I going to get my nipples in the shape of tator tots? You should see my husband’s excitement during sex! He thinks he’s getting some action AND a snack! And if I haven't mentioned it lately, could you please just shut the fuck up?”

If you are being judged for spanking your child…

“Absolutely spanking is horrid. I was spanked as a child and as a result, I’m the worthless piece of crap you see here before you today. Every day, I think to myself ‘If only my parents hadn’t spanked me, perhaps I wouldn’t have finished college and could have pursued my dreams as a street performer. If only they hadn’t spanked me, I wouldn’t have to live in my house in the ‘burbs.’ Damn them and their parenting techniques that caused me to wind up this way. Know what else I think about each day? How you should shut the fuck up.”

If you are being judged for NOT spanking your child…

“I can see how this is making you uncomfortable. If you think spanking is necessary, I’ll happily spank YOU. After all, my husband and I made the decision when we decided to have kids to keep spanking in the bedroom (this is best said with a little wink if you can manage). Also, it'd be really fun if you would shut the fuck up.”

If you are being judged for working outside of the home and “paying” someone to raise your kids…

“If those little rodents don’t learn right now the importance of an institution, how else are they going to appreciate working in a cube farm the rest of their lives? I pay someone else to teach my kid the ABC’s because I have money to make at my job which is extremely important. So at the next school fundraiser, you just watch me make it rain, girlfriend. I’m all about the Benjamins. Which is why I named my son Benjamin. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make more money and you need to go shut the fuck up.”

****Thanks to my friend, Candice for the idea on that one!****

If you are being judged for staying at home…

“If I worked, who else would be watching day time television and keeping it in business? Quite frankly, I’m contributing to the economy more by being at home. And my tennis instructor? He’d be unemployed if it wasn’t for all of us housewives! I’m providing job opportunities for people like Hans, my personal trainer, and Cecilia, my nanny. You didn’t know I have a nanny? How else am I supposed to get in tennis, lunch dates, and yoga? I can’t do all of that while taking care of my KIDS all day! You know what opportunity I could give YOU? The opportunity to shut the fuck up.”

If you are being judged for using disposable diapers…

“Someone’s gotta help keep the trash companies in business, right? Not to mention, do you know how much pee one of those suckers holds??? I don’t have to change my kid for HOURS. It’s AWESOME! Also, on my list of awesome things is you shutting the fuck up.”

If you are being judged for using cloth diapers…

“I just want to make sure we get the most use out of the things we purchase. With cloth diapers, once our little angel is done peeing and pooping in them, we’re going to have them made into clothing for our family! Isn’t that great? In fact, I was thinking of making a little gift for you too! Know what gift you could give me? The gift of shutting the fuck up.”

Now, those were just a few of the top ones that were brought up during the FB discussion. Other Mommy War battles that were mentioned were:

Co-sleeping or not

Pacifier usage

Allergies (yes, one mom has actually gotten flack because her kiddo has severe food allergies)

Crying it out vs. not
Letting your baby around animals (and all of their germs)

Now I haven’t quite thought of responses for those just yet but, when in doubt, a good “Shut the fuck up” with a smile is usually pretty effective.

And if you are a perpetrator of the Mommy Wars, my advice to you is…you guessed it! Shut the fuck up.

We should be offering support, education, and LOVE to one another in this crazy world of Mommyhood. Not beating each other down. Yes, we ALL have opinions and maybe we even think the way we are doing it is the "right" way. And it IS the right way--the right way for YOUR children. But we should not be verbally beating down other moms because they choose differently. Like the old adage goes, if you don’t have anything nice to say, then for the love of motherhood, please SHUT THE FUCK UP.

And if you have been offended by my use of the F Word during this post, please forgive me. I’m a product of my mother’s parenting choices. I was formula fed by a working mother who used disposable diapers. I hear all of those things cause kids to grow up to be smart ass, cynical bloggers who curse like sailors and drink too much.