I won't say I'm sorry

I’m not even sure how to write this post without hurting someone’s feelings but I think it has to be done so just bear with me. Last Saturday (as in The Worst Day Ever Saturday), when I was crying to Mike about how busy and chaotic our life seems to be, he made a very insightful observation. He rightly pointed out that one of the reasons I feel so scattered is because I say ‘yes’ to nearly everything. And while it’s great that we are a part of every birthday party/play date/school function/work function/friend function/etc., it’s wearing me out and turning me into a crazy person. He’s right.

It is a RARE occasion that I say ‘no’ when asked to do something. Consequently, our calendar is full from sun up to sun down on BOTH weekend days. It seems that every time we are asked to get together with someone, I look at the calendar and am thrilled to find that we have a completely free weekend to spend with so-and-so in…FEBRUARY. Seriously, our weekends are packed at all times.  The week is already crazy with gym time, and work time, and trying to find time to do things like dishes and laundry and well, you know all of the stuff that has to get done during the week. On the two days I have off, I’m actually working harder than the days that I go into my office job. All because I don’t know how to say ‘no.’ Or I don’t want to anyway.

My knee jerk answer to the motive behind all of this going and doing and being at every single thing we are invited to is to say that I feel guilty for saying ‘no.’ But that’s not entirely true. The truth is that I really do WANT to be at ALL of these things. I love the play dates and the birthday parties and everything in between. I love it. I love living our life and living it with the people in it. I don’t commit to things out of guilt (well, okay, sometimes I do but that’s really pretty rare). I say yes because I want to be a part of the lives of our family and friends. I want them to know that their celebrations and time spent with them is important to me.

But all of this going and living and making time for everyone and everything is going to put me in the nuthouse. Then, instead of seeing me at the next birthday party, you’ll have to come visit me in my padded room while we play checkers. Which wouldn't be terrible except that they don’t serve wine there and, well, I don’t think I can endure checkers without wine.

I have a plan to stay out of the nuthouse though. It’s super easy and it’s just one word: NO.

I have got to start saying ‘no’ more often. As in, “No thank you, I’d rather not meet up for lunch today. Maybe we could do that next Saturday?” And if it’s something I really, truly don’t want to do, I’m just going to say “No thank you” and leave it at that.

And I am begging you, yes you, the one who is reading this right now and thinking “Maybe she doesn't want to spend time with me…” I’m begging you to stop thinking that and just KNOW that I want to spend time with ALL OF YOU. But that’s just not possible. I will do the best I can and I will be at every single thing I am able but I will not do it at the expense of my sanity. More importantly, I can’t do it at the expense of some downtime with The Boss Lady and Mike.

And I promise: this isn't about YOU. This is about me. This is about me keeping my head on straight and being able to say no and not feel like a failure because I couldn't do it all. This is about me realizing that I need time to regroup, recharge, relax

I’m an extremely energetic person and I can take on a lot before I reach the end of my energy store. But the fact is that I am not a super hero and there actually is an END to my energy. Mike and Oli are my recharging station. They bring sanity to the crazy and purpose to the blur that life can sometimes seem to be. Like today. Today we had NOTHING planned. It was fantastic and I feel like I can take on the world tomorrow. But to have this day of recharging, I had to say no to some stuff and that made me a little sad and I worried that I hurt someone’s feelings. I worried that someone might think I was being rude or reclusive or whatever. Last Sunday, I put this plan in motion and I said no to a friend and I fretted for a long time about whether or not I had hurt her feelings. I absolutely do not regret it though because I NEEDED that day at home to regroup. Regret or no regret though, it is hard for me to say no.  I think that will get better with time and getting used to saying it. Not to mention that eventually I’ll probably realize that just because we aren't at a birthday or play date won’t mean that the party will come to a screeching halt as everyone mourns our absence.

It’s so narcissistic of me to think that just because we aren't able to make an event, it will ruin the day of the person to whom we've said ‘no.’ I've never felt that way when someone has been unable to meet up with us. I can’t remember a single time when a friend or family member has said “I just can’t make it” and I've felt angry or upset or hurt to a point where it’s been an issue. Sure, I feel bummed but I get it. They have other things that need to be done or other things that take priority. I never once assume that it’s because they don’t want to be around me/us. Why do I struggle with knowing that our family and friends will give us the same benefit of the doubt?

Here’s the other part of this: The one phrase I’m going to banish from any declination is “I’m sorry.” I say it a lot. “I’m so sorry I can’t meet up for lunch/dinner!” And I feel really bad about not being able to do something for someone I care about. But here’s the thing:  I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry that sometimes I need to have some down time. I’m not sorry that sometimes I need to be at home reading a book or laying on the couch or playing Candyland with my family.  I’m not sorry about that. I have to stop apologizing for having limitations. I don’t expect that anyone else I know have limitless time and energy so I’m not sure why I've been expecting it of myself for so long.

Don’t worry—we’ll obviously be at the Big Stuff. You’re never going to hear me say “I missed your wedding because I was busy relaxing on the couch and reading Twilight.” But if we miss seeing you for dinner or lunch or whatever it might be, well, I’m sorry. Dammit! See? Did it again. That’s gonna be one tough habit to break.