There’s a new craze in the Facebook world where people are
posting a certain number of random facts about themselves. And if you ‘like’ or
comment on their post, they’ll give you a number, and you have to come up with
that many random facts about yourself. I’m not much for the Facebook crazes but
I actually think this one is kind of fun. I’m going to do it a little
differently though. I received the number 11 from my good friend, Brandie, and
I’m happy to share 11 things about myself. But I’m going to do it here on this
trusty blog and share one a day for 11 days. And they’ll be random
things about myself specifically relating to motherhood. Let’s call it 11
Confessions from a Really Really Real Mom. Here we go:
Number 3: Losing The
Boss Lady is my worst fear. Okay, yeah this confession isn't funny or
sarcastic. But it is something that is very true in my heart and I rarely talk
about this or dwell on this for obvious reasons. And I know you are thinking “Well, no crap. Isn't that every
parent’s worst fear?” You’re probably right. Or at least I hope you are. I hope
that the second every parent knows of the existence of their child, they are
struck with this fear that is so deep and so real and so…well…SCARY that if
they stopped and dwelt on it too often, it would be crippling. That kind of
fear.
Prior to becoming a mom, I had nightmares about Mike finally
realizing that I’m crazy and leaving me. Yeah, I know that’s depressing and
maybe weird but that was my biggest fear until Oli came along. These days, my
nightmare is about something happening to my sweet girl. I often wake in a mild
panic until I realize it was a dream.
Before Mike and I ever even thought of procreating, I
probably could have told you that a parent’s worst fear would be losing their
child. But I did not really, TRULY understand that fear until the moment I saw
the word “pregnant” flash into the window of the pregnancy test I had just
taken. From the VERY FIRST MOMENT I knew of The Boss Lady’s existence, I KNEW
that I would do every single thing within my power to keep her safe. I knew
instantly that my own life would become secondary. And not in a martyr way
either. Not in a “I never do anything for myself because my kids are my world”
way. But in a “I will throw myself in front of a freight train to save my
child. I will tear out the throat of any person who ever hurts my child. And I
don’t ever want to live a day in this world without my child” kind of way.
At about my 20th week of pregnancy, just when we’d
found out we were having a girl, my doc called to say that my blood work was
kind of funky. My white blood cell count was double what it should have been.
This is pretty normal at the beginning of pregnancy, but not so encouraging
half way in. I was referred to an oncologist/hematologist for further testing.
I was a very shaken with this news as even my doc couldn't say why this was
happening. I’m sure you've already guessed that my first thought was: leukemia.
Immediately, I begin thinking about my plan of attack if that was the case. I
knew instantly that I would do NOTHING to affect my daughter. I knew that even
if I had the very worst kind of leukemia, I would have my baby and THEN start
treatment. I know this sounds like a lot of overreaction but I was rife with
pregnancy hormones and the memories of a father who battled cancer at a young
age.
After LOTS of blood work, I was told I did not have leukemia
(obviously). Just a freaky immune system. Apparently this isn't super common so
I was monitored throughout my pregnancy and retested after just to make sure.
Turns out it wasn't anything. Just my body being dramatic.
I share that story to show just how fierce my protective
instinct towards Olivia has been since the day I knew she existed. I had no
idea what those test results were going to be but I knew without a single doubt
that I would do whatever it took to give her a chance at life. Now that she’s
here and keeping us on our toes every single day, I will do everything within
my power to keep her safe.
And though for most parents, losing a child is their worst
fear, I think I can speak for most of us to say that we don’t dwell on it. The
fact is that you just can’t. You can’t sit around every day of your child’s
life and worry about the horrors of this world. You just can’t control
everything and the very sad fact is that there are some parents who do
experience this loss. My heart breaks for the parents who have lost their children.
I cannot even fathom their pain and I truly admire their strength and will to
continue living. I pray daily that I never have to walk in their shoes.
But we don’t dwell on
the possibilities of the bad. Kids do this really crazy thing to us. They make
us hopeful and optimistic and when we allow ourselves to love them with our
whole hearts despite our deepest fears, we find that our lives don’t get more
dark and depressing. They get brighter and messier and sometimes harder but the
kind of love that connects you to your kid helps you to get over your fear and
just LIVE with them every day. We take advantage of every single day and we
snap pictures of every single smile because we know we aren't guaranteed any of
it. This may sound morbid, but maybe that fear drives us to be better. Maybe it
drives us be kinder or gentler or to think twice before we leave our babies each
day.
I choose not to let my deepest fear rule my every day life.
I choose to use it to motivate me to be in the moment, to soak up the good, the
bad, the ugly, to try harder, to love harder. It’s that love that goes deeper
and is bigger than the fear. It’s that love that allows us to live in each
moment, to cherish each moment.
No morbidity tomorrow, I promise…
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