Quotes & Conversations from the Land of Parenthood

Even though we are only 3 & 1/2 months into this journey, Mike and I have already done a little reminiscing about how we felt and the things we said and did in those first few weeks when The Boss Lady moved in to our home. Most things, we are able to laugh about now and we wanted to share a few of our most memorable quotes and conversations.
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Mike AND Me: "Olivia, you are pretty much guaranteeing you'll be an only child."

This was said almost daily in those first few weeks.
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After several nights and hours of Olivia screaming at us around bedtime,

Mike: "Olivia, maybe you can scream some more and keep daddy up all night so he can't go to work tomorrow and he'll get fired and we'll all be homeless. Wouldn't that be great??"
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The day after we brought Olivia home, my sister and brother-in-law came over to visit. My sister was holding Olivia while she was sleeping and she asked, "Is she always this lethargic?"

Not knowing that most newborns sleep so deeply that you can fold them into pretzels, I, of course, freaked out. "I don't know! I've only known her for 4 days! Mike, call the doctor!!! Olivia is lethargic!!" was my first-time parent response. We had also found out earlier that day that Olivia had a mild case of jaundice. I knew very little about jaundice but I was convinced it was going to be deadly to my child. Naturally. We were waiting for the doc to call us about that as well.

When the doctor called, I answered the phone. "Ms. Milligan, this is the doctor calling back."

Me:  (sobbing uncontrollably) "I can't talk to you right now, here's my husband."

Mike starts to talk to the doc about what is going on with the jaundice. I start screaming (like really screaming) in the background, "MAKE SURE YOU TELL THE DOCTOR SHE IS LETHARGIC!!!" And I repeated that about 97 times. Just in case he couldn't hear me. From 5 feet away.

Doc: "So, is this your first baby?"

Mike: "Yep."

Doc: "Yeah, I thought so."

So, it seems I'm officially on the Wackadoo List at the doc's office.
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At Oli's one month birthday,

Me: "Mike, I suck at this motherhood thing."

Mike: "Well, I think we are great parents."

Me: "Yeah, right. What have we done that's so great?"

Mike: "We've kept her alive for one whole month. In my book, that's pretty great."

At Oli's two month birthday,

Me: "Mike, I still feel like I suck at parenthood."

Mike: "Well, we've kept her alive for 2 whole months. That's pretty great."

Me: "Yeah, you said that last month. Surely there's a better standard than that."

Mike: (seriously considering) "Nope. That's about as good as it gets right now."

Me: (seriously considering) "Okay. I'll take it."
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Mike: "Do we have a 'For Sale' sign anywhere around here?"

Me: "No, why?"

Mike: "I'm going to add it next to our 'It's a Girl' sign."
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At my 4 week post-partum visit with my OBGYN,

Doc: "So, what are y'all doing for contraception?"

Me: "Yes, please."

Mike: "That depends. Can you do a vasectomy in-house today or should I make an appointment?"
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Me: "Okay, I quit. Where do I turn in my notice?"

Mike: " Unfortunately, Steph, this is like the Mafia. There's no quitting."
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Mike: "You know, the thing about this parenthood thing is that you have to just have low expectations. That way, you are never disappointed."
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Me: "Having a baby makes you bi-polar. I mean, here's this tiny person you created who you love more than life. You love them so much and would do anything for them and you want to run away from them all at the same time."
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I took Olivia up to Mike's office to meet his coworkers,

Coworker: "Oh my goodness, she's so wonderful. I can't believe y'all talk about how much she cries! She hasn't cried at all here. She is such a good baby!!"

And that's the day I was arrested for assaulting someone at Mike's office.

Okay, not really, but I do think we said something like, "Yeah, we got one of those No Crying models. Neat, huh?"
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Just a few weeks ago, Mike and I were going to bed and I said, "You know, I remember that this was really hard in the beginning but I can hardly remember why it was so hard."

And Mike proceeded to list every single reason it was so hard. Apparently hormones haven't yet erased his memory.
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Mike AND Me: "Why in the world would anyone have more than one of these???!!!???"
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And our most recent,

"Yeah, okay, maybe I could do this again."

I'll let you guess which one of us said that...