Dating 101

Okay, I'll admit it: I love the After Thanksgiving Day Sales! I was happy not to be out in the craziness on Black Friday this year since I have a little person to tote around but I actually really do love those insane sales. I love the crowds and the excitement and the savings! One of my favorite memories is of my sister and I getting up one Black Friday at around 4 a.m. We headed to Starbucks and then we shopped till we dropped until about 8 or 9 that night. I even kinda loved the adrenaline rush I got when someone shoved me and I turned around all tough-girl like to see who had done it!

This year, though, I took it a little easier and joined some girl friends for a little shopping the Saturday after Thanksgiving. We met up for lunch first and then hit the stores to see what bargains were still going.

I ended up not buying a thing but I loved my girl time and enjoyed getting to engage in some girl talk over lunch. Jenny, Rachel, Heather, and I spent the majority of our time just gabbing over lunch and that was probably my favorite part. These 3 ladies are fantastic and our conversation eventually turned to the most popular topic during a girls' lunch: relationships. The three of them are not yet married so we talked a lot about dating and what's new in the dating world.

It's been almost 6 years since I met Mike and officially took myself off the market but I always enjoy hearing my single girlfriends' stories about their dating lives. I find that as I hear some of their stories now, I often look back at my own dating life and the things I've learned over the years. Of course, I made some goofy dating decisions but I hope I've learned enough to be able to pass on a few gems to my girls and to my daughter in the (hopefully) distant future.

After my lunch on Saturday, I got to thinking about what it would be like when Olivia starts dating. I can't even imagine what it will be like to see her go through that! So, just in case she wants to know what her dear old mom has to say on the subject, here are just a few dating tips for my daughter (and my girls!):

If it walks like a duck...
...and talks like a duck and 20 people tell you it's a duck, chances are, it's a duck. Not clear enough? Okay, if he walks like a World Class Butthole, and talks like a World Class Butthole, and 20 of your friends and family members are calling him a World Class Butthole, chances are, you've snagged yourself a World Class Butthole. Look, I know what they say about opinions but your friends' and family members' opinions should probably count for something. They love you and want to see you happy. So, if they are telling you that your newest love is a Loser, listen. At least a little.

That being said...
...follow your gut. You know when things are not going well in your relationship. This is YOUR relationship and you know better than anyone else how it's actually going. I've been fortunate enough to have family & friends who were willing to stand up and tell me that I was dating a World Class Butthole. But, the truth is, I already knew that. I didn't need someone to tell me that Joe Schmoe was a Super Schmuck. I knew it in my gut. But, I, like all women, have inherited the Curse of Eve. The more you tell me not to eat the apple, the more I want to take a bite. My older sister, Carly, gave me some great advice one time when I was going on and on about the latest goon I was dating. I knew that he was bad for me. I admitted he was bad for me. I told her that all of my friends told me he was bad for me. But, for some reason, I wasn't letting him go. And then she said, "When you get a belly full, you'll let go." I needed to figure out my relationship on my own. And I needed to learn when to let go. That's something that's hard to teach. So, listen to your gut. When you get a belly full, you'll know.

Two halves, don't make a whole.
While that may not be true for 3rd grade fractions, it's 100% true in relationships. Two half people cannot "complete" each other. No, you do not have to be fully grown when you enter into a relationship. Of course, two people can, and probably should, grow together at least a little bit. But, you cannot be a seriously deficient human being when you enter into a relationship with another person. If you do not already have some idea about who you are or what you want to be, take time to do that FIRST. When you are in a relationship where you are trying to figure out who you are or what you want, you are going to get frustrated and you will frustrate the other person. And if you happen to find someone who is seriously deficient, please don't trick yourself into thinking you can heal or fix him. You are not some kind of Girlfriend Messiah.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
If you walk into McDonald's and order a meal, the cashier isn't going to throw in an apple pie just for the heck of it. Why? Because you didn't ask for one. In the world of dating, you get what you ask for. So, if you want to be respected, you have to ask for it. Sometimes you even have to demand it. No, you don't have to be all rude and diva-like about it. You wouldn't tell the cashier at McDonald's to give you your damn apple pie right now, damn it! But, there would be an understanding that if you asked for an apple pie and didn't get it, you probably wouldn't come back to that McDonald's again. Not everyone is going to sell you short, but, it's been my experience that what I didn't ask for in dating, I didn't get. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. You deserve to be respected so don't let anyone get away with not giving you that. Ask for the apple pie.

Know your worth
In order to get the above-mentioned Respect, you have to first know that you are worth it. AND YOU ARE. You are worth a lot more, too. Not sure what you're worth? Ask those who already love you. They know how amazing and special you are. There's a reason that the people in your life stick around to remain your friend. They think you are pretty awesome and for good reason. Because you are. And if anyone ever makes you feel like you are less than that, show them the door. Nobody should ever make you feel bad about yourself. That goes for dating and every other relationship as well. If the other person does or says things that make you feel bad, this is NOT  a healthy relationship. Relationships should build you up and help you grow, not tear you down.

Be in the moment.
I have seen so many women get so caught up in getting the ring or the commitment or the whatever, that they can't enjoy where they are in their relationship. I was one of those women for a short time. After Mike and I had been together for a little over a year, everyone started asking me if I thought he would pop The Question soon. How in the hell would I have known that??? Shouldn't they have been asking HIM?? But, like most women, I kept waiting for a sign that The Question was coming. Every nice dinner we sat down to, I was ready and waiting for it. I practiced my answer, my surprise face, and the way I would announce to family and friends. And when dinner would end and the evening would be over and my left ring finger would be very empty, I would feel a little let down. I realized this had gotten a little out of control during my birthday weekend. Mike planned this amazing weekend and I was just SURE that he was going to ask me to be Mrs. Milligan. But he didn't. And I cried. ON MY BIRTHDAY. Ridiculous. I was so caught up in whether he was going to ask me to marry him that I almost missed out on the fact that this wonderful man had planned a fantastic weekend just for me. That's the weekend I just let it go and decided to just enjoy where we were in our relationship. Three weeks later he asked me to be his wife. And I was GENIUNELY surprised. The phases of a relationship change quickly so try to enjoy them. The minute Mike asked me to marry him, I was no longer a Girlfriend. And I will never again be a Girlfriend. And the minute I said "I do," I was no longer a Fiance. And I will never again be a Fiance. I'm not saying I want to be, but those are phases of my life I can't repeat. So, be in the moment and enjoy where you are.

Have fun!!!
Dating should be fun. If you aren't having fun, stop doing it. There are a lot of interesting people out there. Dating is one fun way to get to know some of those people. I know that you think that marriage is the ultimate goal of dating but have fun and enjoy the journey! Try not to take every single date so seriously that you aren't enjoying the fun of getting ready before a date, talking about it with your girlfriends non-stop before and after, and those butterflies you get when you first sit down to dinner and aren't totally sure where the conversation should start. Seriously, take a deep breath and HAVE FUN!

And most importantly, date only good Catholic boys that your mother approves of. Okay, so that one's for The Boss Lady specifically! ;)

Unfortunately, I'm sure she'll date her share of World Class Buttholes that I do not approve of. I know I dated my fair share before I met Mike. And that's okay. I hope she has fun learning about herself through those experiences. I hope a few nice guys get mixed in so she doesn't start to believe that there are no good men out there. I hope she goes to lunch with her girlfriends on a Saturday afternoon and talks about her date the night before. And most of all, I hope she has FUN!

Because when she does meet Mr. Right, she won't want any reason to ever doubt or look back. When she begins that new journey into the world of marriage, she can leave the dating world behind with fun memories but without a second glance.