Sometimes I forget

Lately, I’m a little worn out. A lot worn out. We’ve got some sleep stuff going on that I was going to share with all of you because, well, you know what they say: Misery loves company. And we are just coming off of the holiday madness and well blah, blah, blah. Bottom line: Parenting a toddler takes a lot of energy.

But then tonight I got a note that made me think about some other stuff. It made me think about what my life used to be like BEFORE Lady Loco moved into the asylum. Sometimes I completely forget what my life was like before Olivia. I feel like I have known her my whole life. I’ve grown and changed so much, Mike and I have grown and changed so much, that it’s hard to imagine our life WITHOUT her.

Sometimes I forget what it was like to have NOTHING to do after work. I forget what it’s like to come home with no plans for dinner and Mike and I just look at each other and say “Want to make some nachos while we figure out what we are going to do for dinner?” And then we’d have a beer and nachos. And that was really dinner.

I forget what it was like to be able to get up an hour before I needed to be somewhere (instead of 2 ½ hours minimum). I forget what it was like to be able to shower and blow dry my hair without stopping to get juice or help turn on/off some toy. I can’t remember the last time I took a crap without someone on my lap or singing “The Wheels on the Bus.”

I forget what it was like to be able to go a movie when I wanted or to eat dinner at a place that doesn’t have a kids’ meal that comes with a toy. And it’s a good thing I’m a master multi-tasker or I wouldn’t ever be able to converse with my husband over dinner with the constant interruption from The Boss Lady.

And the list of things I’ve forgotten goes on. My life has changed in ways I NEVER could have imagined. And I would be a big fat liar if I said that I don’t occasionally fantasize about my life BTBL (Before The Boss Lady). The “me” in that life is well rested with perfectly blow dried hair, a house with windows absent of tiny hand prints, caught up on every new release movie, and enjoys a cocktail on a patio somewhere that serves only fabulously exciting food.

The note I got tonight reminded me of that “Me.” Only, that note reminded me that my Fantastical “Me” is a bunch of crap. I mean, sure, I may have been more rested but taking a crap has never been more entertaining since I started singing “The Wheels on the Bus.”

Sometimes I forget that all of those times that I was doing all of those things that my glasses depict in a rose colored hue, I was looking forward to a day when I was serving up peanut butter and jelly while talking to Mike about the upcoming weekend’s birthday parties and folding tiny pairs of Dora The Explorer underwear.

My life BTBL was complete in the sense that I totally took advantage of the life phase I was in but I always *knew* in my heart that someday that completeness would look empty without the addition of a Mini Milligan. I *knew* that I was called to motherhood. No, I didn’t spend every waking moment waiting for it and I thoroughly enjoyed my life without a kid but Mike and I would always talk about our future with one. We would talk about what our family vacations would look like or what kind of grandparents we’d be like.

And never once did it occur to either of us that our future might never happen. That note tonight reminded me that for some, that future doesn’t happen. For some, the love of a future baby never comes to fruition.

I’m not talking about choosing not to be a parent. That’s different and I actually totally support couples who choose it. In fact, I have a great respect for people who just know their calling is not that of Parenthood.

I’m talking about those folks who have the same life Mike and I did BTBL. The same life where they laughed and loved and did what they wanted to always *knowing* that someday they’d be looking at a little person who was an extension of them. And then it just never happens. Unfortunately, Mike and I have known a few couples for whom that is a reality. I am completely and utterly heart broken for them. And I never know what to say or what comfort I can possibly bring. I don’t even know where to begin to offer comfort to those couples.

Without getting into lots of dirty details, I’ll just share this: creating a baby was very easy for Mike and me. I remember being SO excited that first month of actually trying to make a baby. I remember taking that first pregnancy test, hands trembling, heart racing, trying not to get pee all over my hands. I remember seeing that it was negative and just feeling…DEVASTATED. Yeah, dramatic, I know. One whole month and I was crushed that it didn’t happen. And then the next month, on a stick covered in my own urine, I saw the words that would change my entire heart and soul.

We had talked about what it might be like if we hadn’t been able to have kids. We *think* we would have worked together to work through and to try to live our life fully as just the two of us. But the reality is that I have NO idea how we would have handled that. If I was that devastated and that excited after just one month of “trying”, I cannot imagine month after month of that stupid stick not yielding that symbols or words that my heart so wanted to see. I cannot imagine years of that. I cannot imagine the toll it would take on my emotions or my body or my marriage.

This short note I received tonight reminded me of a life I’ve already forgotten and I needed that reminder right now. I was reminded that my life BTBL was fun and full of doing what I wanted but it wasn’t always perfect. Just like now, I had good days and bad days. Days where I was frustrated and anxious. Days where I was bored. Days where the joy in my heart made me feel so fulfilled. And I had days when I dreamed of someday looking at a tiny face that Mike and I made together. A tiny face that looked like us. In my life BTBL, I really, really, really wanted the life I have now.

And I was reminded that sometimes I take this life for granted. I forget that for many it does not come easy if ever at all. When I do that, when I take this incredible gift of Motherhood for granted, I know that I’m slapping that gift in the face.

Look, I’m not saying I feel guilty or bad for having had a child so easily. I don’t feel guilty for the days that I sit in the midst of blocks and goldfish crumbs and think “I wonder what’s going on in Vegas right now…” I cannot help that there are bad days in this gig and I know it’s natural to let my mind wander back to the days of BTBL.

What I am saying is that my reminder note tonight made me think about how I do have a duty to see past the bad. I have a duty to my fellow mothers and especially to those friends, family, and acquaintances who may never have the opportunity to go on this incredible journey. Sometimes I need to take a break from my fantasies of spending Saturdays laying on the couch watching Lifetime movies and be reminded of how ALIVE my Saturdays are now with birthday parties, park visits, play doh creations, and books about caterpillars and bunny rabbits and tenacious pigs aptly named “Olivia.”

I love my life with The Boss Lady and I would do NOTHING to change the course that our life has taken since her. It’s been an incredible journey so far and I can only imagine the wild ride we still have ahead of us. And when I think of a life WITHOUT her, I feel sad and lost and like a piece of my soul might never have existed had I not met her. If something happened to her tomorrow, I would still feel SO INCREDIBLY BLESSED to have known this child. I would not trade a day of my life with Olivia for any amount of time eating nachos and drinking beer and sleeping in.

I had an opportunity tonight to really remember my old life without any rose colored glasses. I had an opportunity to remember why Mike and I wanted so badly to add to our family. I had an opportunity to remember and reflect on the incredible ass kicking that motherhood really is. Beyond tonight there will still be minutes/days/weeks that I am frustrated with this gig (hell, there will probably be one of those moments tonight!). But because of that note tonight, I got a reminder of the blessing this journey is and it’s a reminder I will not so easily forget.