How to Fail

Today I had the pleasure of talking to a soon-to-be-new dad. I say it was a pleasure because it truly was wonderful to hear him talking about some of the things he is worried about or prepping for in anticipation of his child. I was reminded of my own concerns before The Boss Lady was born, of Mike’s concerns, and of our concerns now. Concerns about whether or not we would be able to cut it as parents or whether or not we are raising this crazy monkey child to someday be a productive member of our human society. The thing is ALL parents: expecting or currently on this roller coaster ride, have concerns about whether what we are doing is right or wrong.

But here’s what I told this Dad To Be and what I tell myself so frequently it’s becoming a little bit of my mantra: There are crackheads all over the world having babies and most of them turn out just fine. If a crackhead can do it, so can I.

Okay, yeah, I know. I shouldn’t set my standards so high as a crack head. But here’s my point--often times in this parenthood gig, you don’t even have to do it “right.” You just have to do it.

And, oh yeah, here’s the big one: You have to care. You don’t have to get it “right” every single day but you do HAVE to give a crap.

You don’t fail when you feed your toddler ravioli for the third night in a row. You don’t fail when you forget to change your kid’s diaper for 6 hours. You don’t fail when you open a door, not realizing they are standing RIGHT THERE, and slam their head into it. You don’t fail when yell or lose your s&*t because they haven’t let you get a good night’s sleep in 2 months.

You fail when you stop caring. Those parents who people look at with a raised eyebrow, you know THOSE parents, those parents stopped caring. They stopped being present in their kids’ lives. They stopped waking up every day with the attitude that it was time to get back on the horse and try it again.

I feel like I have this “get back on the horse” conversation with myself every other day. I have it so often that I wonder if my “horse” might actually be one pissed off bull because it bucks me off so often. And that’s totally okay. If I was a neurosurgeon and every day I went into surgery and my patients came out brain damaged, well, then I MIGHT want to consider permanently dismounting the horse. But parenthood isn’t like that. You can screw up A LOT and still go back after it the next day. And your kid will be so happy you did. There’s no HR department here keeping tabs on how many times you screw up. Thank goodness for that too because I would have been fired months ago for excessive foul language and drinking on the job.

Kids don’t have that same tally sheet us grownups do. They aren’t keeping track of every time you blow it. They aren’t holding a grudge against you for all of your wrongs. Kids care about being cared for, being loved, and knowing that their parents keep trying to do their best. They’re so much more resilient than we give them credit for. In their tiny little bodies God has given us a glimpse of His own grace and His ability to forgive us our wrongs and love us despite of and because of our flaws.

I should know. I screw up a lot.

See, I come from a family of Yellers. My dad was a Yeller. My mom was a Yeller. Whenever any of us got upset at something or each other—we yelled. Sometimes I yell without even being totally aware of it. Sometimes I’m not even that upset but because I’m a Yeller, someone who doesn’t know me might think I’m royally ticked. Lucky for me, I was blessed with a kiddo who’s either deaf or isn’t fazed by my antics. Often, after I’m done with a rant, she’ll just sort of look at me like “Blah, blah, blah, Mom. Have another drink.”

And though this is a little embarrassing, I’ll admit that there have been times when I really snapped at or yelled at Olivia and I felt AWFUL afterward. I felt/feel so terrible and sick about talking to my child in such an ugly manner.

Here’s where I believe the defining moment is though.

Have you ever had your feelings hurt by someone who just would NOT or never did say “I’m sorry?” It sucks. It is the worst feeling to know that someone has hurt you, whether they meant to or not, and didn’t even have the give-a-crap to apologize.

So, when I screw up, I kneel down in front of The Boss Lady and I say, “I’m sorry I acted like that.” And that’s it. I don’t say “I’m sorry but your behavior caused it,” or “I’m sorry but I was having a bad day,” or “I’m sorry but ANYTHING.” I don’t have a “but” in my apology. The thing is, the apology isn’t to explain what SHE did wrong. It’s to atone for what I did wrong.

And for all of the other little things us parents can get all twisted about: the type of school they go to, the amount or type of food they eat, friends they’ve made or not made, clothing and where it came from or how much it costs, potty training to late or too early, talking/not talking, sleeping (or not), rewarding good behavior or punishing bad, fit throwing, daycare or no daycare, whether or not they are enrolled in enough “programs,” etc., etc., etc.

I just take that queue from Lady Loco. I watch her to see if SHE is happy and healthy and developing at a rate that is healthy and good for HER. A very good friend of mine once said something that I thought was brilliant and it was shared with her by a “veteran” mom.

My friend and I were talking about daycare/school for young kids and she was saying that she really would like to be at home with her kiddos and sometimes had mixed emotions about how long she was away from them during the day. And this other veteran mom asked her this, “Are your kids HAPPY?” To which she had to answer “Yes.” And the veteran mom explained that that was the important thing. All of the guilt and the worry about whether or not we are doing the right thing is going to be something we just have to work through.

One of the biggest compliments I have ever gotten about Oli came from her teacher at school. When we went for her Parent/Teacher Conference in September she said that from the moment she met Oli she knew that she was “very well parented.” I sort of looked around the room for the people who were responsible for that and then I realized, “Oh, wow, that’s US!”  

I try to make it a point not to worry too much about whether or not I’m good at this gig. Some days I’m just not. That’s what wine is for. I kid! I kid! Kind of. I do have those days when I’m sobbing and telling Mike I should just go to some secluded island because Olivia is better off without me screwing things up all of the time. Really though I think that stems more from my need of an island vacation and a fantasy about laying on a lawn chair with unlimited pina coladas.   

Some other days I feel like I have knocked it out of the park…okay, so maybe like 3 days in 2 & ½ years I’ve felt that way, but STILL! I do have good days—even if I can only count them on one hand so far. And for the most part, I have quite a bit of confidence about the job we’re doing with Olivia. She’s a great kid. And if we’re not doing it right, she can always cash in her college fund for therapy. Or get her own reality show (Honey Boo-boo, anyone??).  

I think The Boss Lady’s going to turn out just fine though. I can tell by the smile on her face each day and the way that others love to be around her. Mostly, I can tell in the way she lights up when she sees me each morning when she wakes up and each night when I get home. That light in her eyes lets me know that she doesn’t hold a grudge for my earlier transgressions, that she loves me as I am, and that it’s worth it to get back up on the bucking bronco each day—even if I just get thrown off again.