Sick Baby

When The Boss Lady started daycare just a little over a month ago, at the height of cold & flu season, I remember telling my friend Christina that I was very nervous about her getting her first sickness. I had heard the horror stories from other moms when they were dealing with their own Sick Baby and I knew enough to be afraid. “I’m afraid it’ll put me right back into that Newborn Phase,” I told Christina. “Yeah, it probably will,” was her response. Well, at least she was honest.

And that’s what has happened this past week. Mike and I have spent all week battling Sick Baby and I use the term “battling” purposefully. Not to make light of what our men & women in the armed forces do, but we are starting to feel like we live in a war zone where every night you just sit and wait to be hit with some torpedo. Or where you creep around your house after Sick Baby has gone to bed, not making a sound, just waiting to step on a land mine.

In fact, one night early this week, just after we had gotten her settled and asleep, Mike coughed. Loudly. Now, I know that sometimes coughing is involuntary, but, as any war veteran will tell you, when you are in enemy territory, you just hold it in. Even if it means your lungs will explode. Sure enough, Sick Baby popped her little eyes open and started the pre-crying squirm. Mike hadn’t even realized what he had done and was already in the kitchen getting ready to kick back for the night. I stuck my head out of her door and whisper-yelled down the hall “You just woke her up! If you aren’t dead by the time I get out of this room, I. WILL. KILL. YOU.” I know that sounds harsh but we are at war here people! The normal rules of engagement just do not apply during times of battle.

Of course, like most things, Sick Baby seems about a million times worse at night. During the day she is happy and smiling and those little reports from her daycare that say what a great day she had make my head spin as I think about the insane night I have waiting for me after we get home.

Our friend, Steve, once compared having a baby to one of those zombie movies. In those movies, the zombies are usually oddly allergic to the daytime. During the day, things are quiet, calm, peaceful even. We see the protagonist of the movie enjoying being one of the last people left on the planet. It seems like it could almost be fun in Zombie Land. But, as evening looms nearer, we see him/her getting ready for the battle that lies ahead. Because, when it gets dark outside, all hell breaks loose. The zombies come to life and they are out for blood.

Our house is officially Zombie Land. Yesterday after work, for instance, we were sitting on the couch together, one big happy family. We were playing with Oli, making her giggle, and all was well. As it got closer to bedtime, we started getting ready for Sick Baby to rear her ugly head. On the dresser in her room, we had our battle supplies ready. That day, I had hit up the pharmacy for the supplies I thought we needed. We were stocked up with vapor rub, vapor plug-ins, baby Tylenol, a humidifier, saline spray, and we had inclined her mattress. We had even created this great shift schedule so that we can take turns tagging each other in so that we could get at least a little sleep. Team Milligan was ready for battle.

Like a practiced Nascar pit crew we got our Sweet-Angel-Soon-To-Be-Zombie ready for bed. Saline—check. Booger sucker—check. Vapor rub—check.

I nursed her, we put her down, sound asleep and peaceful and then we hunkered down and waited for the zombie to wake up and attack. And attack she did. Hour after hour after hour.

And, as usually happens in the zombies movies, we eventually started to wear down and turn on each other. I mean, we have been battling for a solid week here! Our psyches are weak and vulnerable. Sleep deprivation has started making us forget what day it is or where we are when we wake up to those little zombie grunts on the baby monitor. We laid there at around 4 o’clock this morning whisper-yelling at each other about who had to get up the earliest or whose day was going to be the worst without any sleep. We couldn’t remember who had gone in last so we just kept saying “I did it last.” “No, I did.” The only thing we could agree on is that we felt like big balls of crap.

At one point, I was so rattled that I sobbed, “I JUST CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!” Well, I tried to sob anyway. I was so tired, my tears wouldn’t even come out. It was more like a wail.

Here’s a little silver lining…well, not really silver because it only lasted for a few minutes…so maybe a little gray lining: One of the times Olivia woke up, I could hear Mike in there trying to console her. And I could hear that it was not working and she was quickly reaching Nuclear Melt Down Mode. I went in to see if I could help. The second my sweet girl was in my arms, she stopped crying. She put her arms around my neck and shoulder and nestled her head into my neck. She pulled her legs up, froggy style and went back to sleep. I sat rocking her in her chair completely in awe of what had just happened. I can’t explain this, but that was the first time I really felt like her Mommy. I have felt like a mom since the day she was born, of course. But, something about the way she was immediately soothed by my holding her made me feel, not just like a mom, but like her Mommy. I knew in that instant that my sweet, sick baby needed me. Not to fix it necessarily, but just to be there to soothe her. She needed Mommy. I rocked her longer than I needed to that time. I savored that moment with her. I let myself relax and feel her soft breath on my neck, her little fingers clutching my t-shirt, the feel of her soft baby hair on my cheek. So this is what it feels like to be a Mommy. Wow.

Like I said though, that moment was short lived and the battle wore on until 5 this morning when we both finally had to get going for the day. The only problem was, the little zombie had made her way into our bed sometime around 4. I vaguely remember Mike saying he was either going to sleep in her room or she was coming to bed with us. We were both tired of getting up and down all night. When the alarm went off, I looked at her sweet little face, eyes closed, totally relaxed and I knew I would not move. No way was I going to wake up Sick Baby again. She was finally sleeping! I slept there with her for a couple of more hours until we absolutely had to get up to get going for the day. Poor Mike had to get up at 5 and carry on as usual. He is a brave, hard working soldier. I am blessed to have him on my team in this battle in Zombie Land. I do not know how I would survive without him.

And we know that, like everything else in the Land of Parenthood, this too shall pass. Like the protagonists in the zombie movies we know that one of two outcomes is possible: 1. The zombies will eventually overtake us and we’ll become one of them, or 2. We’ll find other survivors and we’ll all unite, supporting each other, knowing we are not alone in the Battle of the Sick Baby.

Consider this our broadcast to other survivors out there. We are here too. Fighting the good fight. Tonight, as we get ready to go into battle once again, we know that we are all in this together and the sun will come out tomorrow and the zombies will go back into hiding. Battle of the Sick Baby, Night 8, here we go!