One Day...

Parenting is tough, there’s no doubt about that. But we deal with all of the insanity because the payoffs are huge and we know that ONE DAY we’ll no longer have clothes stained with spit up or windows streaked with hand prints. We know that one day we’ll look at our little creations and in a sick way think “Oh, how I miss those days.”

Like most parents, that One Day motivates me on the hard days. There’s something else that motivates me. In fact, I think it motivates most parents.

That thing is Revenge.

Yes, you read that right. Don’t act like you haven’t thought about it. Don’t act like you’ve not fantasized about One Day illustrating to your children all of the frustrating and zany things they put you through. Don’t act like you aren’t biding your time until you can walk into their room at 6 a.m. when you wake up, and with a metal spoon in one hand and a metal pot in the other, begin a drum solo that will cause them to jump from their beds like you lit it on fire. There are many of these plots that I have brewing for that One Day.

For instance…

One Day, as my children and their friends are standing around talking, I’ll walk right up and join them. And without breaking stride in the conversation, I’ll fish a large booger from my nose. And I’ll eat it. And I’ll just look in them in the eye as though nothing really effing disgusting just happened.

One Day, when my children have a date over for dinner, I’ll finish my dinner, throw down my fork, and stand on my chair. I’ll gleefully announce, “I HAVE TO POOP!!!!” I’ll use the bathroom off the kitchen and do my business with the door wide open as I sing to myself. When I’m done, I’ll shout repeatedly “COME WIPE MY BOTTOM! COME WIPE MY BOTTOM! SOMEBODY COME WIPE MY BOTTOM!!!”

One Day, while dining at a restaurant, I’ll order my favorite dish. When it arrives, I’ll loudly announce that I don’t like it. I will pick up each piece of food and hand it to my child in order to get it off my plate. I’ll pour ketchup on my now empty plate and eat it with a spoon. All while standing in my chair.

One Day, I will fart when I’m driving my kids and their buddies around town. They’ll try to ignore it to be polite. I’ll loudly say “EXCUSE ME.” They’ll ignore that too out of sheer awkwardness. At which point I’ll clarify -- “I said ‘Excuse me’ cause I FARTED.”

One Day, when I initially meet one of my children’s friends, I will not greet them with a smile or introduce myself right away. Instead, I will give them a dead pan stare as I turn to my child and ask, “Is that a girl or a boy?”

One Day, I will stand beside my sleeping child *this close* to her or his face, breathing heavily, and I will wait for them to wake up. And scream. Cause that shit is just creepy.

One Day, as I take my children out shopping, I will stop periodically to scratch my crotch. Hips thrust forward to get a good angle and so that everyone will be able to tell that I’m getting in a good crotch scratch.

One Day, as we’re out shopping perhaps, I’ll begin tugging at my pants. I’ll grow more and more agitated. And even though I’ve been wearing the same exact flippin’ pants for the past 3 hours, I’ll start yelling things like “These pants are too TIGHT!!!” “They’re TOUCHING me!!!!” “I don’t like these PANTS!!!!!” I’ll writhe on the ground in pain until my, then grown, child ushers me out of the store and into the car to take my psychotic ass home. The next day, I’ll wear the same pair of pants and declare that they are my VERY FAVORITE pants and that they are SO COMFY and SO PRETTY!

One Day…

I will eat an entire meal with my hands.

I will run circles around the tables at restaurants.

I will answer questions with strange guttural noises.

I will take an insanely long time in a public bathroom and make my children stay in there with me.

I will not wipe my mouth with a napkin the entire time I’m eating. I will instead use my shirt.

I will interrupt their sentences 35 times as they attempt to have conversations.

I will ask the question “why?” after nearly everything they say.

And I will love and laugh through every second and every moment until then. Because, hey, all of this insanity now is only going to make my revenge that much sweeter. One day…