Just a little venting...

I just need to vent for a moment. Overall, I’d say that our life with The Boss Lady is magnificent.  BUT, I do have those days where I am very nearly pulling my hair out and thinking that if I checked myself in to the nearest psych hospital at least I’d probably get the good drugs. While those days aren’t nearly as bad as the Newborn Phase (a.k.a. Hell Weeks 1 through 8), life with a toddler is DEFINITELY challenging at times. So I just need to vent about a few of the more trying issues we’ve been experiencing lately.

First off: Teething.

Let me just say: WTH???? You know, everyone talks about the pains of child birth being the curse of Eve. Well, I disagree. The curse isn’t the pain of childbirth. At least with that, you get this great little prize at the end and if you want, you can have the good drugs. With teething, all you get at the end is a kid who wants to bite you to test out their new accessory. 

But first you have to get to the end of teething without losing your damn mind. On the one hand, I feel so heart broken for Oli that she’s in so much pain. On the other hand, I feel even worse for myself and Mike. She’ll never remember all of the pain and discomfort she had to go through to get her chompers. I, however, will likely have scorosis of the liver from all of the drinking I have to do to deal with this madness.

Those old timers who say you should put whiskey on the kids gums? You know how they figured that out? Well, when their kid was teething, they were taking shots of whiskey to keep from going bat-crap crazy and inevitably, one of them “accidentally” got whiskey in the mouth of their teething terror and lo and behold, a friggin’ miracle cure. But you can’t do that these days because people frown on giving a baby alcohol (weird, right??). So, you buy stock in children’s Motrin or Tylenol or Morphine (Yeah, right. I wish.), 800 boxes of frozen waffles, and you hunker down and pray for the end.

If you told me I could skip teething in exchange for a punch in the face every day for a month, I’d take the punch in the face.

That’s why people save their kid’s baby teeth. I used to think that was creepy and gross but I get it now. You work HARD for those little suckers and I intend to keep every last one of them as souvenirs of this joyous little phase.

Second: The Clingy Spider Monkey.

So, we are sitting in the living room, surrounded by noisy toys, books, tupperware, etc. and my kid is playing and having a good ‘ole time. She’s walking around telling me all of her ideas about life in her little baby babble language. Most of the time, she’s in the same room as I am sitting in but occasionally, she wonders into her bedroom to create more mass destruction and she plays in there for a little while.

Eventually it happens. I have to pee. And because I’ve had a baby, I need to take care of that pretty immediately lest I risk a sneeze or deep cough. So I get up and head to the bathroom. Sounds innocent enough, right? Nope. The SECOND I am out of her sight in another room, all hell breaks loose.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she screams at me. Then she drunk wobbles her way into the bathroom, trying to climb up on my lap or reach her hand into the toilet or nurse or whatever during the 3.7 seconds I took to take care of my personal business.

What’s up with that?? Why is it totally okay for her to go play in her room by herself if she wants but the very moment I try to do anything by myself, it is totally unacceptable in her eyes? I literally could be sitting there watching her play and she’ll be totally happy. But if I pick up my phone or computer or a book, she is all over me. It’s so bizarre.

My pj’s have an elastic waist band and I can’t even tell you how many mornings I get up to make breakfast and she starts clinging to me because I dared to do something for myself. I stand there in the kitchen, scrambling my eggs, while Olivia pulls my shorts down to my knees. That’s quite a sight I’m sure.

Or she’ll act like she wants me to hold her, so I pick her up and she starts trying to climb me or something. I’m still not sure what the objective of this maneuver is. Is the goal to get to the highest point by trying to perch on top of my friggin’ head??? I’ll be standing there holding her while she’s pulling at my shirt and clawing at my hair like a cat trying to climb a tree or something. So, I put her back down thinking maybe that’s what she wants and we do this like a million times a day. No wonder I have a herniated disk.

Look, if you don’t have kids, get your butt in shape before you do. Because it is a constant wrestling match. Train for parenthood like an NFL linebacker would train for the Superbowl. Ooh, or like someone training for a title fight in a UFC match. Oh, except, include biting and scratching as part of your training. Yeah, just have a couple of your friends yell at you for days on end while you do like a gajillion squats, bends, and twists each day. Make sure they hit you on various parts of your body with things like a remote or some crazy light up toy that doesn’t have lead paint but feels like a brick of lead when it smashes into your cheek bone. Then you’ll be ready for life with a toddler.

Lastly: The Godzilla-Like Destruction

First I just have to say that I LOVE that Olivia is moving on her own now. A lot of people were pretty discouraging about this and said that I would regret ever wishing she could crawl or walk. But I don’t regret it. At least now, she can get to where she wants/needs to be. Before walking or crawling, she would get really frustrated and cry a lot when she couldn’t do something.

That being said: I do understand WHY everyone said I would wish for the days when she was immobile. Once these kids get moving, they do NOT stop. And they get into EVERYTHING. Nothing is off limits. I had really hoped to not have to baby proof but my kid has a special gift for finding exactly the thing she isn’t supposed to get into and getting into it.

She has pulled lamps over on herself, stuck her fingers in an electrical socket, pulled a cup of hot coffee over on herself, taken off with a bottle of Miracle Grow to drink with her veggie straws, and taken her own diapers out of the trash for a late afternoon snack. She was not harmed during any of these adventures, thank goodness. I have been able to catch all of these things but I feel like every day I am finding something else that is a death trap for my child.

My house looks like a friggin’ daycare center/homeless shelter most of the time and yet all of the toys and tupperware in the world don’t keep her entertained enough to keep her out of things she shouldn’t be in. My office looks like a robbery took place because she’s constantly pulling paper off of the printer and crinkling it all up so that  it’s completely unusable and will cause a paper jam if I try to put it in the printer. Half of our books have pages that have had to be taped back in because her very favorite thing to do with books is to rip out the pages and crinkle those up too.

Oh, and my kitchen table constantly looks like it gets a daily wash with banana mush. The floor under that same table looks like someone left a week’s worth of groceries scattered underneath. For every piece of food that goes in Olivia’s mouth, 3 more pieces go on the ground. This is the ONLY time I wish we had a dog.

At the end of the day, after she’s gone to bed, I rush around the house picking everything up and then I just sit on the couch and enjoy the clean for about 10 minutes before I crawl into bed. Then we do it all again the next day.

Whew! Okay, I feel better. Seriously, I love that my girl is moving and discovering her world—most of the time! For those not-so-great days, thankfully I have some really great friends to turn to who don’t judge and always make me forget my problems--Jack, Jose, and Jim. ;)

In all seriousness, I just try to enjoy those instances when the Teething Godzilla Spider Monkey is in my arms holding me tight and I say “Give me a kiss, Oli.” She parts her lips just a little and leans in close to my face. And my heart melts and I think “Yeah, maybe this clingy thing isn’t so bad…”