Baby Crap

No, not poop. Though I could write quite a bit on that since Olivia just took her first one in the tub this evening. Go figure it happened on a night that Mike wasn't home and we are all out of beer.

What I mean by "Baby Crap" is the crap you start buying from the Seventh Circle of Hell (a.k.a. Babies R Us) the minute you find out you are pregnant. Crap, as in the stuff that slowly starts taking over your home until one day you look up and realize you live in Pee Wee's Playhouse.

Well, no more crap folks!! If you've already had a baby, this post probably won't do you much good since, like me, you already stocked up on all of the baby crap. BUT, if you are pregnant or think a little munchkin might be in your future, then this post is going to save you tons of cash!

Before I ever even thought of creating a Miniature Milligan, I was so intimidated by Babies R Us. If I needed to get a gift for a shower, I would walk into the store, head down, and make a bee line for the registry podium. I'd print out the registry, scroll down the list until I saw an item that matched my budget, ask a sales lady to lead me right to it, and check out of there as soon as I could. I spent 10 minutes in there, tops.

Then I got knocked up and suddenly, Babies R Us sounded like Baby Mecca. Now, I, Stephanie Milligan would get to take one of those nifty price guns and register for all of the cutesy, pink & floral baby crap I had purchased for friends so many, many times. I was thrilled!

I felt much the same way during Wedding Mania at Bed, Bath, & Beyond (The Sixth Circle of Hell). Well, at least I felt that way until about my 85th return there when I started to realize that much of the gimmicky crap they sold there was...well...gimmicky crap. An egg mcmuffin maker??? Hmmmm...let me think on that...Purchase all of the ingredients for an egg mcmuffin, drag out the cumbersome machine, clean said machine, then enjoy the disaster that is supposed to be my very own homemade egg mcmuffin?? OR, drive through McDonald's, pay $1 for the real deal, and enjoy the rest of my morning? Now, I'm no neurosurgeon but I think the answer to that dilemma is pretty obvious.

But, I digress. It appears, I've not really gotten over my bitterness at the disappointments from all of our Wedding Crap. By the way, does anyone want to buy an egg mcmuffin maker??

Okay, so anyway, there I was, growing my little Mini and dragging Mike to Babies R Us one find Saturday morning. Seriously, I woke up that morning feeling like it was Christmas. We were going to have our very own BABY REGISTRY!!!

When we got there, they gave us this great little welcome packet with coupons and checklists galore (I'm total Type A so I'm a checklist lover). Then they gave us that nifty little price gun and off we went.

First stop: Baby Bottles. And there we stood, staring up at the 800 foot wall of bottles. There were about 567 brands and about 872 versions of bottles that each brand made. We looked at each other, we looked back at the bottles, we looked at each other, we looked around the huge store and realized that we still had a LONG way to go before making it to the end. "We'll just come back to bottles later," I said.

We moved on only to find that every freakin' section of Babies R Us is like this! There are so many options and so many things to buy! We were overwhelmed and getting frustrated.

Because we were pros and we learned quite a bit from the Wedding Crap, we were pretty easily able to spot the Baby Crap. A pacifier purse?? For real?!?!? Oh, and let's not forget the cute diaper wipes case to match. Never mind that the diaper wipe manufacturers, in all their genius, made wipes cases that are already made to fit in a diaper bag. Oh, and a cute little changing pad to go with all of that. With its own little case. Newsflash folks: when your kid creates a poo/pee paste on the changing pad, it won't matter how cute it is. So, then you need a case/bag to put all of those bags in! Who thought of this crap???

And a wipes warmer??? There are a lot of things I can blame on my parents' questionable parenting practices, but I'm quite certain none of my present day issues are a result of having a cold tushie as I got my diaper changed. Okay, I know some of you reading this are big believers in the wipes warmer and I have heard the arguments and I still disagree. One person tried to tell me that it's great because if your kid needs a diaper change in the middle of the night, you won't shock her with a cold wipe. Well, let me just inform you that if my kid is being changed in the middle of the night, it's because she woke up screaming because she didn't want to hang out in her own poop anymore. So, she's pretty much already shocked. And the way I see it, that cold wipe is kinda like my revenge for her waking me up at 3:36 in the morning. So, there.

Seriously, this list of ridiculous baby crap could go on for days. Most of it, I learned because I got suckered in. I just got so excited by all of that cute baby stuff that promised to make my life as a new mom so much easier that I just ate it all up.

It doesn't end with the baby stage though. Next come the toys. There are about a million toys to buy your kid and they all promise to turn your child into the next Nobel Prize winner. They are all geared for learning and development and they look just so exciting! So you buy all of these contraptions and you use them for all of 5 seconds before your kid outgrows them or grows bored of them, then up in the attic they go to be donated or saved for the next munchkin.

At this point in the game, after Wedding Crap and Baby Crap, Mike and I were fully prepared for Baby Toy Crap. We aren't getting suckered in this time. We've found the key to our child's happiness while playing and we aren't breaking the bank to do it. And lucky you that I'm here to share all of my 9 months of wisdom.

Below, you'll find pictures of the latest and greatest in baby toys. It's time to get excited folks because you won't have to go anywhere near Babies R Us or the Eight Circle of Hell (Toys R Us)! It's likely you have most of these items all of over your home!

The Door Stoppers: This nifty gadget will provide at least 30 minutes of entertainment. I know, if you don't have kids, 30 minutes doesn't sound like a long time. But, trust me. If your kid can stay entertained for 30 solid minutes, you'll consider it a friggin' miracle. Our sweet girl plops herself down in front of one of these things and just flicks it to her hearts delight. Eventually though, she does manage to get one off so you have to watch for that. But then it sorts of transforms into a great chew toy, er, teething thing.

Tupperware: The makers of this stuff should win an award for Multi Purpose Product of a Lifetime. I mean, what haven't you used Tupperware for??? If the Boss Lady needs some entertainment while we are making dinner, we throw some of this on the kitchen floor and she has a ball. She bangs them together, bangs them on the floor, or just pushes it around. After dinner, it's already out for us to package up the leftovers! Yeah right, like there are ever any leftovers in this house.

The Remote Control: There are 2 tricks to this one. The first is that you have to take the batteries out. This is for safety and so you aren't in the middle of your favorite tv program only to have the screen go black, look over, and see that your sweet angel has pushed a button you didn't even know existed. Then you spend the next half hour trying to figure out how to fix the tv. The second one is that you then have to act like it is so important that the angel baby doesn't touch that remote. We put this one up on the coffee table and say (very loudly), "Olivia, PLEASE don't touch this remote. It's a VERY important remote!" She then makes a beeline for that remote and hauls it all over the living room banging it on all surfaces.

Keys: Not those fake baby keys either. She knows the difference. They have to be real keys. They are great as a noise maker and a teething device. Just be careful to keep an eye on the amount of slobber on your frequent shopper cards. They start to disintegrate after a while.

The Toilet Paper Roll: Obsession doesn't even come close to explaining Olivia's love for this device. If she is anywhere near the bathroom, she jets in, crawls straight over, stands up, and with one smooth flick of the wrist, toilet paper is all over the bathroom. Then she sits down and starts munching away. Seriously, if this stuff was edible, my life as a parent would be AMAZING. Instead, I usually end up spending the next 5 minutes re-rolling the toilet paper then fishing pieces of it out of her mouth. So, if you are at our house and our toilet paper looks a little chewed on or wet, now you know. Get over it or drip dry.

The Cell Phone: Again, not a fake one. It has to be the real deal. She loves the pretty blue light and the way it feels on her gums apparently. A word to the wise on this one: Beware the slobber. It appears that Blackberry didn't anticipate baby slobber so now a few of my keys no longer work. So if you are getting texts messages from me and my texts are missing the letters "a" and "w" you now know why.

Living Room Furniture: Or anything else you can make noise on. As seen in this video, it doesn't take much to keep our Sweet Pea entertained. Bottom line: she just likes to spend time with us, no matter what the toy or activity is. This drum session went on for about 30 minutes before she got bored and we moved on to something else. At any rate, this was fun for all of us!

So, I hope I've saved you a little bit of money and a trip or two to the Seventh Circle of Hell. The thing is, all of the toys and contraptions out there promise to make your life easier but parenting takes a lot of energy and a lot of interaction with your kid. And though I'd love it if there was a toy or video I could sit her in front of to enjoy a nice, long shower or nap or if there was some baby contraption that would have helped make life easier, there just isn't that perfect thing. Our sweet girl just loves interacting with us. We love it too and are just trying to enjoy the time we have to play with her--before she gets wise and realizes we are a bunch of cheap asses who have refused to spend money at Toys R Us. Good thing we have a lot of those Door Stoppers to keep her happy in the meantime!