Pissed Off

Last Sunday, my sweet husband had his second triathlon of the season. We woke up on Sunday morning bright and early at 5 a.m. and headed out. And you might think we are off our freaking rockers but, yeah, we bring The Boss Lady. She does surprisingly well. She's like a teenager and hates waking up but once she's awake, she gets excited about cheering for her daddy.

*On a side note: that particular morning, Mike came parading in the room around 5:30, playing Olivia's pink recorder and singing for her to wake up. She balled herself up in the middle of the bed, moaning "I don't want to get up!!" She's occasionally mentioned since then that daddy woke her up with the recorder and it wasn't very nice. This cracks me up and warms my heart because my dad used to do that to us when we were kids. We'd stay up all night in the summer playing and he'd come bounding into the room in the morning, spoon in one hand, frying pan in the other, and start banging his "drum" as loudly as possible singing, "Wake up, you sleepy heads! It's time to get up on out of bed!" Anyway, I just got a big kick out of that and figured my dad was probably getting a good laugh out of that too.

At any rate, off we went to the triathlon where we cheered on Mike, his brother, Matt, and my sister's husband, Michael. Matt's wife, Emily, and I hung out with our kiddos while the boys got their workout on. The guys all did great but at the end Mike told me he wasn't sure he had done that well and didn't think he had placed. Lately, he's been placing in his division and I could tell he was bummed that he wasn't going to be getting a trophy at this one but relieved that we didn't have to stay for the awards ceremony.

It was probably around 9:30 at this point and Olivia had fallen alseep in my arms. I sat in the grass with her in my lap, enjoying the sunshine and the breeze. I was sitting cross legged and she had her head in my left arm, her butt in my lap, and her legs sprawled across my right arm. I rocked her gently and looked at her smooth skin. As I waited to hear if Mike had placed, I reminisced about how long it had been since she let me hold her like that. She's getting so big and she barely fits in my arms like that but for that moment, I just relished in holding my sweet baby. I felt the warmth of memories and motherhood flood over me...

Wait...

That's not the warmth of motherhood I felt...

Slowly, I felt warmth spread over my crotch, butt, and legs. My brain synapses began firing rapidly. What was this literal warmth I was feeling? Finally, my brain cells made a connection! The warm wetness spreading over the lower half of my body and now into my shoes was

URINE.

But wait. I hadn't peed myself...had I? I mean, I know I have mommy bladder and all but was I already losing that much control over myself?

I looked down at the sleeping angel on my lap and suddenly, I understood. My lovebug had just pissed all over me. And still she slept. Peacefully, soundly. Unaware of the fact that she had doused me in her excrement.

I gasped for air and resisted every urge to push her out of my lap and scream "I'M COVERED IN PISS!"

It was right about that time that Mike sat down and excitedly announced, "GUESS WHAT??"

I had to stop myself from saying, "What? This is all a hellish dream and I didn't really wake up at 5 a.m. on a Sunday only to get peed on by our child?" or "What? You just so happen to have an extra pair of womens' underwear and bluejeans in your gym bag so I don't have to ride home in someone else's pee?" But I did not say those things.

"Guess what?" Mike asked. "I got FIRST PL,ACE!!!"

I was ecstatic for him! His very first FIRST PLACE FINISH! My husband is kind of a rock star, folks.

But then...wait...that means...oh yes...we get to stay for the awards ceremony...and I'm covered in piss. But stay we did. And as I stood there at the awards ceremony while Olivia poked me in the butt and announced, "Mommy, you have pee pee in your pants!" I have to say, I felt so proud of my little family.

When we got home, Olivia had another "accident" and as the day wore on I started to realize that she's had A LOT of accidents lately. As in, I can't remember the last time we went the whole day without at least 3. That's right: 3. I can't remember the last time she came home from school in the clothes I sent her in. I talked to Mike about it and we agreed that it was almost like she wasn't quite potty trained at all.

Here's what we realized was happening: Olivia would announce to us that she needed to go potty. We would say something like "Great! Go potty!" She would walk to the toilet, stop right in front of it and pee her pants. For real.

After another morning or two of this craziness, I lost my freaking mind. HOW IN THE HELL DID I GO FROM HAVING A COMPLETELY POTTY TRAINED KID TO ONE WHO ISN'T POTTY TRAINED AT ALL!?!?!? I'm serious, I felt like I was going crazy. I worried that something was wrong with her physically or mentally. I worried that I had done something to cause her to retaliate against me by peeing on every surface of the house. I vaguely remembered a cat who had done that once--peed on my mattress until it was ruined because I had ticked him off. Were toddlers like cats? Did they hold secret grudges and initiate Pee Revenge? And like most things in this insane world of Parenthood, I had no freaking clue.

Finally, after a morning of 2 or 3 accidents (2 or 3 in a 1 hour period, mind you), I was in tears. I asked her why she peed in front of the toilet and not in it. Her answer: "I had to go pee pee." Yeah, no kidding. I told her that if she didn't stop, she would have to be back in a diaper like a baby. Her response: "Yeah! I'm a baby! I want a diaper!" My jaw dropped. What in the hell was happening?

I took Olivia to school in a pair of plastic panties since we had no diapers. I walked in her classroom looking exhausted and bewildered I'm sure because her teachers took one look at me and asked "What's wrong????" I told them what was going on and they agreed that she had been having a lot of accidents. I shrugged my shoulders and said "I'm not sure what to do...are we supposed to put her back in diapers or pull ups?" They were so sweet and kind about it and said that would be fine. I wanted to scream "IT'S NOT FINE! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY KID!" See, I told you--I was losing my mind.

I looked to Olivia to find her surrounded by her playmates. And to my utter horror, my daughter had the front of her pants pulled down, her plastic panties pulled out, as she proudly announced, "See, look at my plastic panties!" Her friends oohed and aahed at the sight of plastic panties and she looked back to smile at me. I nearly fainted.

Her teachers really were extremely sweet about it though. They explained that this is somewhat normal for a kid who potty trains pretty early. Sometimes kids are just going through so much as they grow and learn that their minds just can't focus on every single thing all of the time. They assured me that everything was okay and that she would grow out of this phase very quickly and all would be okay. They said to just keep encouraging and that it was not a big deal if she was in pull ups for a little while.

I cried and vented to my friend Christina. She assured me it was going to be okay but I was not convinced. The next day she called to tell me she had done some internet research on potty training regression and that it was pretty normal and that the key was to try not to react to it. If Olivia has an accident, just clean up and move on. She shared with me her own trials and tribulations in potty training.

And I swear that if it were not for Olivia's teachers and Christina I would not be writing this blog post right now. I'd be in a mental institution getting electro-shock therapy and screaming "I'm covered in pee!" or something like that. Seriously, The Boss Lady's teachers probably think I'm the Queen Wackadoo but they are always so sweet and supportive to me. They assure me all of the time and it's clear that they love my kiddo. I am blessed to have found her school And Christina--how many friends will spend their evening researching "potty training regression" so that they can help their friend who they know is losing her mind feeling like all she does is clean up pee? Seriously, the only reason I make it through this gig sometimes is because I have an incredible support system.

Since then, it's been a total roller coaster around here. Olivia wants to wear panties but pees in them no fewer than 17 minutes after she has them on. I have washed sheets at least 3 times and cleaned up pee puddles a handful of times as well. We offer to let her wear a pull up but are encouraging when she wants to wear panties. But unlike the beginning of our potty training adventure when I was excited for Oli to wear panties, I dread it now. I know that it will end in a puddle somewhere. I know that soon I will be starting another load of laundry or fuming inside as I watch her sit in the kitchen chair and just pee. A couple of days ago she actually said to me, "I'm going to go poo poo in my diaper." I told her that I had to draw a line somewhere with all of this and that was it.

This seriously sucks. I don't care if it's normal or not. It sucks. My brain truly cannot understand how my child can be fully potty trained one day and just NOT the next. I just do not get that. And here's the kicker: apparently this is NORMAL. Where the hell is that little gem of information in all of the blessed baby books? Just proves my case for why I sold all of my baby books (there's another post for that).

If I ever have the opportunity to write a baby book, under Potty Training it's going to say something like "Hope you like being marinated in URINE." The End.

The weirdest thing for me is this: I did not care if/when Olivia was potty trained. Truly. I did not care if she was 2 or 3 or 13. I was not going to force something that she was not ready for. But nearly 5 months ago, she indicated an interest and off she went. She potty trained so easily and I was blown away and shocked. I expected it to be hard but it wasn't. And now suddenly we are back to square one. Not even square one really because she didn't even do all of this when she was potty training in the first place.

Now that we are going through what most people go through when they potty train  a little later, I'm actually really upset. Really. I've cried, I've yelled, I've nearly thrown every pair of panties she owns in the trash just to prove a point, and I've cried some more. And I cannot for the life of me figure out why someone (me) who didn't care when their child got potty trained now suddenly cares A LOT.

The only thing I can figure is that I just feel duped. I feel like things were going great and we were out of this stage and then BAM! we are right back in it. I feel worried too. Worried that Olivia is going through something that I don't understand. It's hard enough watching her grow and develop this incredible personality and opinions and I am already so worried that soon there will be so many things about her I don't know or understand and this is just one. I worry that I've done something that makes her feel like she has to do this for attention. I'm not typically a worrier when it comes to parenthood. But this has caused me a lot of it. It's just all so confusing.

Am I supposed to encourage her to use the potty and wear panties or just let her stay in her pull up? If I know that she is going to pee in the panties, do I just put my foot down and make her wear a  pull up? Or is that discouraging and will that further delay her getting back into panties? If she's in a pull up and needs to potty do I just tell her to go in the pull up or take her to the potty? See???? CONFUSING.

Today when I picked her up from school I was trying so hard to look on the bright side in regards to her being back in pull ups. I had to go run an errand and while we were at the store, I saw my bright side: I didn't have to scope out the nearest bathroom just in case she needed to go. I wouldn't have to stop in the middle of the store and rush to the potty. But we weren't there 5 minutes when Oli announced that she had to go pee pee. I felt stuck. We were at the back of the store. No potty in site. She had a pull up on. What to do...

"Okay, just hold on, we'll go in a second" I told her. We got to the front of the store and I was getting my last item and she started doing her little pee pee dance and holding herself and announcing how badly she had to go. I really *really* just wanted to say "Just pee in your pull up." But I didn't. I left all of my things and rushed to the bathroom. I mean, what the hell is that? If she was in panties, she would have just peed in the cart on top of all of our things. But Heaven forbid she get the friggin' pull up wet. Am I the only person who thinks this is crazy?

Well, I guess it doesn't matter if I am. This is where we are in this part of the journey. And I have no idea what it means but I'm trying really hard to just remain calm. I haven't written a blog in the past two weeks because I feel so bewildered and frustrated that I'm not sure what to think of all of this. Right now I just think I'm grateful to have a healthy daughter who is smart and loving and sweet. I'm thankful for a nice washing machine that keeps cleaning the pee off of everything we own. I'm thankful for a husband who has assured me repeatedly that no one goes to Kindergarten without being potty trained. I'm thankful for a support group who shares with me their own pee stories and doesn't tell me what a crappy job I'm doing.

And I'm going to just keep trying not to be pissed off about all of this--even in the midst of getting pissed on.