A Father's Choice

If you are an avid reader of this blog, you’ve probably (hopefully) noticed 2 things…okay 3 things:

1.  Sometimes I just don’t post anything for a while. It’s not because I’m uninspired. It’s because I’m chasing after an almost-three-year-old. Damn that’s exhausting.

2.  My dad was an INCREDIBLE man and I adore him. I think he should be sainted. Seriously, the man is a friggin’ super hero in my eyes. And I’m sure if I had ever met Mike’s dad, I’d think the same of him. We are beyond blessed to have come from such hero-esque men.

3.  My husband is right up there in caliber with his dad and mine. He’s amazing. When I see him with Olivia, my heart feels like it is going to explode from fullness.

But this blog isn’t about any of those three men (or my lack of blogging regularity). This blog is about a man who I’m not sure I’ve given enough credit to here in the blogosphere and I want to take a moment to do so. To do that, I’m going to have to give a brief synopsis of my family tree…er…forest, rather. I haven’t dived (dove, diven? What’s the past tense of ‘to dive?’) too much into my family make up because it’s super complicated and would require like 8 blog posts but I’m saving it for a future book deal. Ha. Yeah right. Kidding. Kind of.

So, here’s the Steph’s Family for Dummies version:

Once upon a time, my mom got pregnant with a baby (me) and she married the Baby Daddy (my dad) and they tried to live in sweet marital bliss but she was a Texan/German and he was a Cajun/Irish and, well, duh, that didn’t work out so great. But they had me and my sister, Michelle and then decided fighting all of the time and holding grudges for an eternity didn’t work so they went their separate ways. Well, a few marriages later (No more on that. I told you, Book Deal.),  I had another sister, Megan, and then a step-dad named Carol Gene (C.G.) for short (Not Megan’s dad. Uh-uh. Not telling. BOOK DEAL.) and a step-sister named Carly (C.G’s daughter). Also a step-mom (Trina) and a slew of other step-sisters (Tish, Tiffany, & Tanya).

Then my dad got sick and made his journey Home and my mom’s marriage to C.G. started to fall apart. And, without going into a lot of details, my life was pretty crazy and a little bit hell-acious and my sister, Michelle, and I were left standing wondering “What in the hell is going to happen to us?” My mom checked out for a little while (don’t judge, you don’t know the full story yet: BOOK DEAL) and things got a little interesting for quite some time (Yes, that’s all the detail you are getting. For now.)

And while I can’t tell you what was going through C.G’s head as his marriage fell apart and the three little girls he watched grow up were split apart and grieving , I CAN tell you what he did.

C.G. sat down with me and explained to me that though he knew he could never take our dad’s place, and would never want to, he wanted me, Michelle, and Megan to know that he was there for us if we needed him. He wanted us to know that if we chose to have him in our lives, he would be there without a second thought.

I’m a little fuzzy on the timeline but I do remember that after that, C.G. checked on me regularly. He would call to make sure I was okay. He would check in on my sisters and even my mom (though they were no longer together). And after a little while he met a lady named Lisa. And when he realized that he and Lisa were getting pretty serious, he told her something like this,

“Look, I love you and would like to spend my life with you. But I have this crazy situation where I have these daughters that aren’t really my daughters but I’ve taken them on as my own and you can either take this whole crazy package or leave it.”

And she took it.

So, for the past 13 (or so) years, C.G. and Lisa have been “my parents.” And I love the look on peoples’ faces when I say, “This is my step-dad. And his wife, Lisa.” It’s a real crack up. The confused looks and perplexed smiles only make me love my crazy, mixed up family even more! Oh and did I mention that Lisa had a son (Taylor) from her previous marriage? So, I got a "little brother" for the first time in my life!

For the past 13 years, they have celebrated birthdays, graduations, parent days at college, engagements, weddings, and the birth of The Boss Lady as any parent would celebrate those things with their own biological child. During my college years, they moved me from dorm room to dorm room. After graduation, Lisa sat down with me and explained that my new salary, which I thought would get me everything I EVER wanted, would barely cover the costs of the new car I had my heart set on. When I met Mike, he knew that C.G. was the person he would need to talk to before asking me to marry him. I know that if anyone were to harm me, C.G. would have something to say about it as any father would to the person who harmed his daughter. When we found out about The Boss Lady’s existence, Lisa was as excited as any other grandmother-to-be ever has been. They have helped me with car insurance, learning how to balance a check book, a mattress for my bed, furniture for apartments, and everything in between. They have given me peace and comfort and a place to feel safe. For 13 years, they have CHOSEN to be my family.

At my wedding, I chose to do the dad-daughter dance with C.G. and we danced to the song “I’ll stand by you” because those lyrics encompass so much of our relationship. He has stood by me through so many things. He has stood up even when others have wondered why he would stick around. He’s stood beside me when I’m sure it’s been awkward and our relationship has been undefined. He’s stood up when there was no road map or rules for the ex-step dad.

Let me be very clear: At NO point has C.G. EVER tried to take the place of my daddy or overshadow his role in our lives. C.G. has an incredible respect for my dad and I think if he were still alive, they’d probably be friends. C.G’s role in my life has not diminished my dad’s in the least. If anything, C.G. has carried the torch for my dad, so to speak, in the protection of his daughters.

C.G. is not perfect. He does not and never has claimed to be. He is a man. A man who is fallible and imperfect as any man is. But he is a man who CHOSE fatherhood. He chose to take care of some young girls who needed someone to step up and care about them. He chose to be a dad. 

And herein lies the moral of this story. You’ve all heard the expression that nearly anyone can be a sperm donor. And that’s true. It takes someone special to stand up and be a dad. Parenthood is a choice. It’s a choice to love a kid despite your own selfish wants and needs. It’s a choice to put up with nonsense when you really don’t want to. It’s a choice to love someone more than you love yourself.

Raising kids isn’t easy (duh). And when those kids aren’t even yours? Even harder, I’m sure. But it’s needed. Good men are NEEDED in our world. Good dads are a necessity to raise strong men and women. And if you are a dad and you are doubting your necessity in your kids’ lives, please take heart that your role is so very, very important.

Girls need a strong man to teach them to respect themselves and that you can have someone love you and take care of you without being helpless. Boys need a strong role model to show them how to be a good man to their future wives and children. Dads, your role is crucial. Your choice to be a dad means so much more than you might know or might ever know.

Thank you to the man who chose me. Thank you for stepping up and helping to raise kids that weren’t even yours by blood but who you have become a part of through love.

Thank you to my dad, who chose to be an incredible dad. Who, for nearly 17 years of my life, loved Michelle and me with his whole soul.  Who I hope would be proud of us and who is missed every single day.

Thank you to my grandfathers, Jim and Tommy, who have shown me what commitment and hard work look like.

Thank you to my incredible husband, Mike, for proving to me every single day that good men exist. For setting an example for our daughter and creating humongous shoes for her future husband to fill. For choosing to love me and our kiddo even when things are crazy and tough. For choosing to be a great guy and a great dad every day of your life.

To all of you men out there who make the choice to be a dad, Happy Father’s Day to you. You’ve chosen an incredible journey.