There’s a new craze in the Facebook world where people are
posting a certain number of random facts about themselves. And if you ‘like’ or
comment on their post, they’ll give you a number, and you have to come up with
that many random facts about yourself. I’m not much for the Facebook crazes but
I actually think this one is kind of fun. I’m going to do it a little
differently though. I received the number 11 from my good friend, Brandie, and
I’m happy to share 11 things about myself. But I’m going to do it here on this
trusty blog and share one a day for 11 days. And they’ll be random
things about myself specifically relating to motherhood. Let’s call it 11
Confessions from a Really Really Real Mom. Here we go:
Number 6: I wish I could really say all of the insane crap
in my head. I am routinely amazed by the strange and sometimes just
inappropriate things people feel free to say. And not just when it comes to
Parenthood either. People just open their mouths and goofy stuff comes out and
I wish that I could give the response that I ACTUALLY want to give and not just
the polite response. I’m a pretty straight shooter but I’m also a Southern
girl. Polite is how we roll. Even if in our heads we are thinking “You are one
dumb S.O.B.”
So here it is: the things I wish I could say in response to the
stupid things people say to me.
To the many people (mostly women) who asked/ask: Are you
going to try for a little boy? Or any variation of that question.
Well, yeah, I guess we better. I mean if we have another
girl, we couldn’t possible afford two dowries when it’s time for them to be
married off. And Heaven forbid we die without a male heir to our estate and have
to forfeit all we own to His Majesty.
In other news, have you heard about that chap, Columbus, and
how he discovered that the world isn’t flat? It’s crazy how times change and
the stupid crap people once believed to be very valuable doesn’t really have
any relevance anymore.
But to answer your question: Yes, we have nightly coaching
sessions with Mike’s boy sperm to let them know they are just as strong and as good a swimmer as the girl sperm. We’re sure these nightly pep talks are going to work
wonders. And if we try really hard and we still have a girl? Well, I guess we’ll
just die in shame as failures.
To the man in the Target parking lot who told me to be nicer
to my kid because I swatted her behind for climbing up the conveyor belts at
checkout and told her she couldn’t have cupcakes when she got home (more on
this some other time):
***R Rating ahead***
FUCK. YOU. (followed
by running him over with my car)
***Oh, you thought I was going to take the high road here?
Nope. Sorry. Push the right button and my inner Southern girl faints as my
German/Irish/Cajun steps in the ring to fight dirty***
To the people (mostly men) who say things like: Why don’t
women leave the table at a restaurant when they are nursing?
Oh, wow. That’s interesting to hear from YOU. What is it
that you’re afraid of exactly? Is it accidentally seeing a boob? Oops, did I
make you blush? Strange. Cause I’m like 99.99% certain you’ve been to a strip
club. And you know, they show boobs there. Oh, okay I see now. Let me see if I
get this straight:
If we are in a restaurant and I want to nurse my baby, that’s
just completely intolerable. But if I jump up on the table, rip my top off and
starting rubbing my boobs in your face, THAT’S okay? It’s cool. I get it. Just
be warned: next time we’re in a restaurant together and you make a comment
about someone having to leave the table to nurse her baby, have your dollar
bills ready. This momma’s gonna bring home the Benjamins!
Ooh, or is it that you are afraid you won’t be able to
control yourself if you just accidentally see a tiny piece of boob flesh? Wow,
that’s gotta be embarrassing every single time you are at a public pool or the
beach. I mean, there’s boob flesh EVERYWHERE there! You know, they have support
groups for that kind of thing.
Whichever camp you fall into: get an effing life and don’t
say stupid crap like that.
To the other mommies (or daddies) who want to compare every
single milestone or say things like: Well, so-and-so can spell their name in
Korean already and he’s only 2.
Wow! Korean? Really? That’s great! Well, we haven’t told
many people this but we are actually conducting a social experiment with The
Boss Lady where we are purposefully NOT encouraging her to develop. We’d really
like you to keep your ABC’s and counting games to yourself while you are around
our kid. Also, if you could talk as little as possible so that she doesn’t pick
up too many language skills, that’d be great. We’re really excited to see if
she gains most human skills naturally and on her own. We appreciate your
cooperation and support. It’s all in the name of science, after all.
To all the people who say things like: Oh, so you think THAT’S
bad? Just wait, it gets a whole lot worse!
Really? Gosh. Now that I know that, I’m going to go drive my
car off a bridge. Don’t worry, I’ll leave my kid at one of those fire station
safe-baby-drop-off zones before I do it. Thanks for the warning!
To everyone who encouraged us to: Enjoy the moment (even
when the moment was truly MISERABLE).
You know, I read that sentiment in a book called “How to be
the LEAST helpful to new parents when they are sleep deprived, frustrated, and
crazy in the head.” Sooooooo weird that you read that book too! Guess what? The
book was right! It really is the LEAST EFFECTIVE THING TO SAY TO SOMEONE.
Maybe later you and I could go to the homeless shelter and
tell the folks there that we didn’t come to do anything for them. We just came
to remind them that there are homeless people in third world countries who don’t
even have a shelter to go to and that they should feel lucky.
Okay, that’s all folks! For those of you who have said
those things: I’ve got nothin’ but love for you! And please know that, should you ever slip up and say these things to me again, I will nod politely in my Southern way and still love you anyway.
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