Blessed?

“We’re so blessed that she’s able to stay home with our children.”

It is these words that I dwell on a little bit today as we end another weekend and look forward to the start of another work week. Another week of alarm clocks, lunch boxes, commutes to and from school and meetings. Lather, rinse, repeat, as my friend Christina so fondly states of the day-to-day that is the work week.

It feels like this sometimes so maybe that’s why the statement I started this post with is on my mind. In fact, this statement is actually a HUGE pet peeve of mine. And though a man said it in this instance, I’ve heard plenty of women use that same phrasing. The flip side of that pet peeve coin is when I hear the phrase “I have to work because we can’t afford for me to stay home.”

Why these two phrases? Well, I’m glad you asked! Allow me to attempt to explain:

Let’s start with the Blessed Statement.

We were at a Chick-fil-a when this was said. I was there with Mike, Oli, and Will and we had taken our food outside to the playground where another family sat with their two young children. As young families often do, we started chatting about how old our kids were and the zany things they do that make us wish places like Chick-fil-a served beer. Okay, that last part was just me but whatever. Anyway, I can’t even remember why he said it but the husband said, “We’re so blessed that she’s (his wife) able to stay home with our children.” At the time I just nodded but it really rubbed me the wrong way.

What does that even MEAN? Blessed?

First off, this man doesn’t know me or my situation. I hadn’t revealed anything about our working situation. For all he knows, I’d love to be a stay at home mom and can’t because my husband is unemployed or disabled. If I wasn’t so secure in my decision to work full time, I could have really taken a little offense to that. I mean, after all, why couldn’t I have been blessed to stay at home? Why would God have chosen that family to have “enough” money (whatever that means) for the wife to stay at home but not my family? If a mom and dad both work, does that mean that family is NOT blessed? That they weren’t picked in the Blessing Lottery?

That’s the biggest problem I have with that statement. Saying you are blessed to be able to stay home indicates a loss of control. As if you really lucked into finding a man who has a job that can support you being a stay at home mom. As if God bestowed a gift on you. As though He is Oprah sitting on his throne picking from amongst mommies everywhere:

“You get to be blessed! And  YOU get to be blessed! And YOU! But not you. You gotta get your ass up and go to work.”

Is this how we think God works? I don’t. I don’t think He works like that (disclaimer: I am not, in case you are new to this blog, a theologian). I don’t think He decides who gets blessings and who doesn’t. That seems a little cruel in fact. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely think there are times He intervenes and provides miracles but I don’t think a God who gives us free will to choose whether or not to spend eternity with Him, WHERE WE ULTIMATELY BELONG, would suddenly take away all other decision making of ours and decide for us whether or not we get to be “blessed” to stay at home with our kids (or any other blessings for that matter).

Isn’t the biggest blessing that God made us the highest life form in His kingdom? Isn’t the blessing here really that He created us as beings who have the ability to reason and strategize and make choices? Isn’t it an incredible blessing that He created us to glorify Him with ANYTHING we do?

Is the blessing here really being “able” to stay at home with your kids because your spouse makes “enough money?” Or is the real blessing that you and your partner were able to sit down and make a decision together that is good for your family? Is the REAL blessing that God gave you the ability to make choices and sacrifices in order to do what you and your partner decided is best for your family?

Okay, so before you go thinking that I’m being hard on stay at home moms, I told you there’s another phrase that makes me steam.

“I have to work because we can’t afford for me to stay home.”

Let me preface the rest of this post by saying that this in no way applies to all of you single mommies out there. You women are incredible and I know that you truly do HAVE to work to support your families.

Ladies who work and who have used this phrase: When was the last time your boss showed up at your front door and dragged you into the office? This has NEVER happened to me. My boss doesn’t even call me to make sure I’m coming in each day. Nobody, not even Mike, MAKES me to go to work every day. I’m a grown ass woman in a country that shouts “FREEDOM” from the rooftops, I am a child of God who promotes free will. Nobody makes me do anything.

And now the real shocker: I CHOOSE TO WORK. Yes, that’s right. I choose to take my kids to day care every day and I choose to go to a job outside of my home. Nobody makes me do this. When Mike and I had Olivia we sat down and evaluated what was best for OUR family. And me working is it. It’s a little about the money because we like our lifestyle and we have certain goals that are more easily attainable with two incomes. And it’s a little about me being a better mom when I’m not home with my kids all day. I NEED to go to work. Occasionally, we review this to make sure this is still what is best for our family. For now, it is. If it ever is not, I will choose to stay home. Regardless, it is my CHOICE.

When we say things like “I have to work because we can’t afford for me to stay home” we do 3 harmful things to those we love:

1. We tell our husbands that they aren’t providing enough for us. Isn’t this the implication here? That if our spouse made more money or “enough” money, we’d be able to do what we REALLY want to do?

2. We tell our daughters that work is something you only do if you “have” to. We tell them that the real blessing is in finding a man who can support them in their goals instead of finding a partner who works toward a goal WITH them.

3. We rob ourselves of the true virtue that is working. Let me phrase it another way: Work is VIRTUOUS. Providing a service to others (and every job does) and doing something well is a virtuous thing.

Let’s please try to change our phrasing here Working Mommies! Please stop undoing what so many women fought for so many years ago. When we act like our work is a punishment or the lack of a blessing we are not doing anybody any good.

So you’re reading this and you’re thinking, “But I really can’t afford to stay home.” And I’ll agree that there are probably a handful of you for whom that is really truly true. For the rest of you: What is it that you can’t afford? Vacations? Name brand clothing? Dance/Soccer/Football/Art class/Piano/Mandarin/Etc.? Your 4,000 square foot home with granite and hard woods and a swimming pool? I will challenge you here and say that when you say “I can’t afford to stay home” what you are really saying is “If I stay home, we can’t afford our lifestyle.” And if that is the case, THAT’S OKAY.

It’s okay to want your lifestyle. It’s okay to want nice things for your kids and family vacations but those are YOUR CHOICES. Nobody is making you shop at Baby Gap every time your kid needs a t-shirt. Nobody is making you go to the Bahamas for vacation. I know plenty of stay-at-home moms who gave up many of those things when they chose to stay home. They clearance shop or buy used clothing. They drive to their vacation spots instead of fly and they go to the lake instead of the beach. Living on one income is actually very doable—even if the one income isn’t six figures. But you have to CHOOSE that. You have to choose doing your own pedicures instead of going to the spa. You have to choose cleaning your own house instead of having someone do it. Choices, people. Choices.

There are days when going to work is a real beat down. And I love my job! I can’t imagine how people who hate theirs do it. There are days when I want to stay home and work on projects or just snuggle with my kids. But the choice I made is to go to work. I am very, very happy with that choice. It is the BEST choice for MY family. I, too, have to watch my phrasing on occasion. I let my children know how important it is to make a contribution, whatever that is, and that we all have jobs that are important and deserve our time and attention. I let them know that I choose to go to work and they are better for it. They are happy and healthy and well adjusted. They have been blessed in being exposed to others who love and teach them in ways I could not even if I was with them 24/7. They have blessed others with their smiles and their crazy little personalities. They and I are better for me working. And we are blessed for it.

I wonder if this working vs. staying at home battle of the Mommy Wars would come to a screeching halt if we all started looking at both choices as the virtuous decisions they are. Both choices hold virtue and have value and benefit our children.

Stay at home moms: You work your asses off every day to keep your kids happy and your homes in order. You deal with attitude that cuts to the core because it comes from these little people who have a direct line to your heart. You often give up adult conversation and getting to dress up in clothes that don’t have baby gunk on them. Your coworkers are little people who in one day make you deliriously happy and then deliriously insane. Your family vacations are essentially vacations with your bipolar little coworkers. You sometimes sacrifice new things for yourself and pedicures and you clip coupons and shop bargains to live on one income. You made this choice because when you started your family you knew that being with your children was worth all of that sacrifice and that you and they would be better for it. You wanted to show your daughter that she could have a college degree and still make the choice to leave the working world. You wanted to show your son that the work a woman does at home is worth millions and deserves the utmost respect from the man in her life.

Working moms: You work your asses off every day to keep your kids and your employers happy. You skip lunch breaks so you can go to Target for birthday gifts or to attend parent conferences. You give up sleep to work out before the kids get up. You come home exhausted but feel exhilarated the second you see your little people. You feel cheated when they act like terds because of the limited time you get with them. You plan every detail of your family vacations because you want to soak up every single second with your family and sometimes feel disappointed when it isn’t completely perfect. You hope and pray that your sweet angel doesn’t do anything momentous like roll over or walk for the first time while you’re away. You made this choice because when you started your family you knew that you being at work and your little person being at daycare/preschool would make you both better. You wanted to show your daughter that a woman has a chance in the world and can make good money and be competitive. You wanted to show your son that a woman’s career is just as important as a man’s and that both partners have to pitch in to make a household work.

Ladies, the work we do is incredible whether it is at home or in an office. It is an incredible choice. The blessing is that women many, many generations before us made sure that we would have this choice. The blessing is that we are able to glorify God no matter what we are doing, whether we are at home cleaning up poop or at work…cleaning up figurative poop. The blessing is that we have the ability to sit down with our partners and choose what is best for our families.

No matter what we choose, it feels at times like a blessing and at other times like a curse. But we make our choices and we do each act every day with love and joy and we lift up both choices to glorify God for the blessing of being able to parent these crazy little beings. Let’s stop pretending these are choices beyond our control.

So to the man at Chick-fil-a who told me how blessed they were for his wife to stay home: Yes, sir. You are incredibly blessed. Blessed with a partner with whom you have shared goals. Blessed to parent two incredible little people. Blessed indeed. So am I. Come to think of it…aren’t we all?