Conversations in Crazy Town

Just a few more happenings around Casa Milligan for your enjoyment and amusement...

***

A conversation with Olivia's daycare teachers regarding baby food...

Me: I'm just not sure why but she won't eat baby food.

Teacher: Well, I don't blame her. Have you ever tried baby food? It's gross!

Me: Oh yeah, I tried it. I figured if I was going to make her eat it I should at least know what it tastes like. Mike thinks that's ridiculous but he also thought it was weird when I tasted my own breastmilk.

Dead silence from the teachers.

Me: Look, I'm not some sort of crazy person who drinks her own breastmilk!

'Cause you know when you have to assure people you aren't crazy that's pretty much a sign that you are the President of the Looney Bird Association.

***

After I worked late one night and came home to Mike and Olivia playing in the kitchen...

Me: Hey babe, why hasn't dinner been started?

Mike: Uh, well, I was busy taking care of Olivia.

Me: Oh, I see. Well, I forgot to tell you my trick about how I just stick her in the closet. It's how I SOMEHOW MANAGE TO GET DINNER STARTED EVERY SINGLE NIGHT OF THE WEEK.

***

After a paricularly grueling day with Olivia...

Mike: You know why people have a 2nd kid?? It's like when you are really drunk. And somewhere in your drunken head you get this bright idea that just ONE MORE beer is somehow going to make it all better. So you drink the beer.

***

While giving Olivia her bath after she fell backward and got a little water up her nose...

Mike: We should drown proof Olivia.

Me: WHAT?

Mike: Well, I watched this 20/20 special on Navy Seals and how they drown proof them so that they don't ever drown. They make them do all of this stuff like, for instance, they have to retrieve something from the bottom of a pool with their hands tied behind their backs and they have to swim all of these crazy distances.

Me: Yeah, um, okay, well, I'm pretty sure the Navy Seals aren't taking 10 month old female applicants.

****

As we were in the kitchen one Saturday morning...

Me: Olivia, what did you just put in your mouth? Is it a piece of rice?

Me retrieving the piece of rice from her mouth, realizing it was NOT a piece of rice, screaming a slew of inappropriate phrases, throwing the squirming not-piece-of-rice on the ground, and scooping my baby up off of the ground.

Me: What the hell is THAT???

Mike: That's a maggot.

Me: Holy bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep!

Us looking around the kitchen floor suddenly realizing there were maggots EVERYWHERE!!! Apparently they were coming from our trash. It was THE MOST DISGUSTING thing I have ever experienced in my life.

***

Conversation with a friend after we told her about the maggot incident...

Friend: So, what did you do to sterilize the floor so Olivia wouldn't have to be on the same floor where the maggots were.

Me: Well, see, after she ATE ONE OF THEM, I didn't really think sterilizing the floor was all that important.

***

Trust me when I say that you want to be careful around a toddler when you are naked. When they start walking, they want to explore everything and nothing is off limits--not even YOUR body.

So there you are, minding your own damn business when this tiny gremlin grabs a fat roll and giggles when it squishes between her fingers or she tries to clean your belly button out by sticking her finger in it. Or she gives you a nice Brazillian by grabbing a handful of hair and pulling. That one's a real treat, let me tell ya.

***

After particularly grueling day, I was headed home with Olivia and a carload of stuff and I was hungry and it was getting late and I had been calling Mike like 100 times for about an hour trying to let him to go ahead and start dinner. When I got home, I saw his car in the drive and started honking the horn. Nothing. I stomped inside with Olivia to find him lounging on the couch. No dinner had been started. 

Me: Where have you been??

Mike: Here at home...

Me: Well, I called like 8 million times to ask you to get dinner started and I left like a billion messages.

Mike: I think my phone is broken...

At this point, we had walked outside as he was helping me to unload the car and we were standing in the driveway and my head was about to spin off.

Me: I will break yo' face!!!!

And then I saw them. The neighbors. Standing in their garage watching our whole exchange. Immediately, I smiled all Stepford Wives Style and waved. 

Me: Hey guys! How's it going???

They just sort of stared, open mouthed, then retreated in to the safety of their home. On Sunday they came over to let us know they'd be out of town and could we watch their house. When I opened the door, I was sipping a margarita. It was 3 o'clock. On a Sunday. 

I'm pretty convinced they think I'm just a booze hound husband abuser at this point.