Just a little venting...

I just need to vent for a moment. Overall, I’d say that our life with The Boss Lady is magnificent.  BUT, I do have those days where I am very nearly pulling my hair out and thinking that if I checked myself in to the nearest psych hospital at least I’d probably get the good drugs. While those days aren’t nearly as bad as the Newborn Phase (a.k.a. Hell Weeks 1 through 8), life with a toddler is DEFINITELY challenging at times. So I just need to vent about a few of the more trying issues we’ve been experiencing lately.

First off: Teething.

Let me just say: WTH???? You know, everyone talks about the pains of child birth being the curse of Eve. Well, I disagree. The curse isn’t the pain of childbirth. At least with that, you get this great little prize at the end and if you want, you can have the good drugs. With teething, all you get at the end is a kid who wants to bite you to test out their new accessory. 

But first you have to get to the end of teething without losing your damn mind. On the one hand, I feel so heart broken for Oli that she’s in so much pain. On the other hand, I feel even worse for myself and Mike. She’ll never remember all of the pain and discomfort she had to go through to get her chompers. I, however, will likely have scorosis of the liver from all of the drinking I have to do to deal with this madness.

Those old timers who say you should put whiskey on the kids gums? You know how they figured that out? Well, when their kid was teething, they were taking shots of whiskey to keep from going bat-crap crazy and inevitably, one of them “accidentally” got whiskey in the mouth of their teething terror and lo and behold, a friggin’ miracle cure. But you can’t do that these days because people frown on giving a baby alcohol (weird, right??). So, you buy stock in children’s Motrin or Tylenol or Morphine (Yeah, right. I wish.), 800 boxes of frozen waffles, and you hunker down and pray for the end.

If you told me I could skip teething in exchange for a punch in the face every day for a month, I’d take the punch in the face.

That’s why people save their kid’s baby teeth. I used to think that was creepy and gross but I get it now. You work HARD for those little suckers and I intend to keep every last one of them as souvenirs of this joyous little phase.

Second: The Clingy Spider Monkey.

So, we are sitting in the living room, surrounded by noisy toys, books, tupperware, etc. and my kid is playing and having a good ‘ole time. She’s walking around telling me all of her ideas about life in her little baby babble language. Most of the time, she’s in the same room as I am sitting in but occasionally, she wonders into her bedroom to create more mass destruction and she plays in there for a little while.

Eventually it happens. I have to pee. And because I’ve had a baby, I need to take care of that pretty immediately lest I risk a sneeze or deep cough. So I get up and head to the bathroom. Sounds innocent enough, right? Nope. The SECOND I am out of her sight in another room, all hell breaks loose.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she screams at me. Then she drunk wobbles her way into the bathroom, trying to climb up on my lap or reach her hand into the toilet or nurse or whatever during the 3.7 seconds I took to take care of my personal business.

What’s up with that?? Why is it totally okay for her to go play in her room by herself if she wants but the very moment I try to do anything by myself, it is totally unacceptable in her eyes? I literally could be sitting there watching her play and she’ll be totally happy. But if I pick up my phone or computer or a book, she is all over me. It’s so bizarre.

My pj’s have an elastic waist band and I can’t even tell you how many mornings I get up to make breakfast and she starts clinging to me because I dared to do something for myself. I stand there in the kitchen, scrambling my eggs, while Olivia pulls my shorts down to my knees. That’s quite a sight I’m sure.

Or she’ll act like she wants me to hold her, so I pick her up and she starts trying to climb me or something. I’m still not sure what the objective of this maneuver is. Is the goal to get to the highest point by trying to perch on top of my friggin’ head??? I’ll be standing there holding her while she’s pulling at my shirt and clawing at my hair like a cat trying to climb a tree or something. So, I put her back down thinking maybe that’s what she wants and we do this like a million times a day. No wonder I have a herniated disk.

Look, if you don’t have kids, get your butt in shape before you do. Because it is a constant wrestling match. Train for parenthood like an NFL linebacker would train for the Superbowl. Ooh, or like someone training for a title fight in a UFC match. Oh, except, include biting and scratching as part of your training. Yeah, just have a couple of your friends yell at you for days on end while you do like a gajillion squats, bends, and twists each day. Make sure they hit you on various parts of your body with things like a remote or some crazy light up toy that doesn’t have lead paint but feels like a brick of lead when it smashes into your cheek bone. Then you’ll be ready for life with a toddler.

Lastly: The Godzilla-Like Destruction

First I just have to say that I LOVE that Olivia is moving on her own now. A lot of people were pretty discouraging about this and said that I would regret ever wishing she could crawl or walk. But I don’t regret it. At least now, she can get to where she wants/needs to be. Before walking or crawling, she would get really frustrated and cry a lot when she couldn’t do something.

That being said: I do understand WHY everyone said I would wish for the days when she was immobile. Once these kids get moving, they do NOT stop. And they get into EVERYTHING. Nothing is off limits. I had really hoped to not have to baby proof but my kid has a special gift for finding exactly the thing she isn’t supposed to get into and getting into it.

She has pulled lamps over on herself, stuck her fingers in an electrical socket, pulled a cup of hot coffee over on herself, taken off with a bottle of Miracle Grow to drink with her veggie straws, and taken her own diapers out of the trash for a late afternoon snack. She was not harmed during any of these adventures, thank goodness. I have been able to catch all of these things but I feel like every day I am finding something else that is a death trap for my child.

My house looks like a friggin’ daycare center/homeless shelter most of the time and yet all of the toys and tupperware in the world don’t keep her entertained enough to keep her out of things she shouldn’t be in. My office looks like a robbery took place because she’s constantly pulling paper off of the printer and crinkling it all up so that  it’s completely unusable and will cause a paper jam if I try to put it in the printer. Half of our books have pages that have had to be taped back in because her very favorite thing to do with books is to rip out the pages and crinkle those up too.

Oh, and my kitchen table constantly looks like it gets a daily wash with banana mush. The floor under that same table looks like someone left a week’s worth of groceries scattered underneath. For every piece of food that goes in Olivia’s mouth, 3 more pieces go on the ground. This is the ONLY time I wish we had a dog.

At the end of the day, after she’s gone to bed, I rush around the house picking everything up and then I just sit on the couch and enjoy the clean for about 10 minutes before I crawl into bed. Then we do it all again the next day.

Whew! Okay, I feel better. Seriously, I love that my girl is moving and discovering her world—most of the time! For those not-so-great days, thankfully I have some really great friends to turn to who don’t judge and always make me forget my problems--Jack, Jose, and Jim. ;)

In all seriousness, I just try to enjoy those instances when the Teething Godzilla Spider Monkey is in my arms holding me tight and I say “Give me a kiss, Oli.” She parts her lips just a little and leans in close to my face. And my heart melts and I think “Yeah, maybe this clingy thing isn’t so bad…”  

Conversations in Crazy Town

Just a few more happenings around Casa Milligan for your enjoyment and amusement...

***

A conversation with Olivia's daycare teachers regarding baby food...

Me: I'm just not sure why but she won't eat baby food.

Teacher: Well, I don't blame her. Have you ever tried baby food? It's gross!

Me: Oh yeah, I tried it. I figured if I was going to make her eat it I should at least know what it tastes like. Mike thinks that's ridiculous but he also thought it was weird when I tasted my own breastmilk.

Dead silence from the teachers.

Me: Look, I'm not some sort of crazy person who drinks her own breastmilk!

'Cause you know when you have to assure people you aren't crazy that's pretty much a sign that you are the President of the Looney Bird Association.

***

After I worked late one night and came home to Mike and Olivia playing in the kitchen...

Me: Hey babe, why hasn't dinner been started?

Mike: Uh, well, I was busy taking care of Olivia.

Me: Oh, I see. Well, I forgot to tell you my trick about how I just stick her in the closet. It's how I SOMEHOW MANAGE TO GET DINNER STARTED EVERY SINGLE NIGHT OF THE WEEK.

***

After a paricularly grueling day with Olivia...

Mike: You know why people have a 2nd kid?? It's like when you are really drunk. And somewhere in your drunken head you get this bright idea that just ONE MORE beer is somehow going to make it all better. So you drink the beer.

***

While giving Olivia her bath after she fell backward and got a little water up her nose...

Mike: We should drown proof Olivia.

Me: WHAT?

Mike: Well, I watched this 20/20 special on Navy Seals and how they drown proof them so that they don't ever drown. They make them do all of this stuff like, for instance, they have to retrieve something from the bottom of a pool with their hands tied behind their backs and they have to swim all of these crazy distances.

Me: Yeah, um, okay, well, I'm pretty sure the Navy Seals aren't taking 10 month old female applicants.

****

As we were in the kitchen one Saturday morning...

Me: Olivia, what did you just put in your mouth? Is it a piece of rice?

Me retrieving the piece of rice from her mouth, realizing it was NOT a piece of rice, screaming a slew of inappropriate phrases, throwing the squirming not-piece-of-rice on the ground, and scooping my baby up off of the ground.

Me: What the hell is THAT???

Mike: That's a maggot.

Me: Holy bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep!

Us looking around the kitchen floor suddenly realizing there were maggots EVERYWHERE!!! Apparently they were coming from our trash. It was THE MOST DISGUSTING thing I have ever experienced in my life.

***

Conversation with a friend after we told her about the maggot incident...

Friend: So, what did you do to sterilize the floor so Olivia wouldn't have to be on the same floor where the maggots were.

Me: Well, see, after she ATE ONE OF THEM, I didn't really think sterilizing the floor was all that important.

***

Trust me when I say that you want to be careful around a toddler when you are naked. When they start walking, they want to explore everything and nothing is off limits--not even YOUR body.

So there you are, minding your own damn business when this tiny gremlin grabs a fat roll and giggles when it squishes between her fingers or she tries to clean your belly button out by sticking her finger in it. Or she gives you a nice Brazillian by grabbing a handful of hair and pulling. That one's a real treat, let me tell ya.

***

After particularly grueling day, I was headed home with Olivia and a carload of stuff and I was hungry and it was getting late and I had been calling Mike like 100 times for about an hour trying to let him to go ahead and start dinner. When I got home, I saw his car in the drive and started honking the horn. Nothing. I stomped inside with Olivia to find him lounging on the couch. No dinner had been started. 

Me: Where have you been??

Mike: Here at home...

Me: Well, I called like 8 million times to ask you to get dinner started and I left like a billion messages.

Mike: I think my phone is broken...

At this point, we had walked outside as he was helping me to unload the car and we were standing in the driveway and my head was about to spin off.

Me: I will break yo' face!!!!

And then I saw them. The neighbors. Standing in their garage watching our whole exchange. Immediately, I smiled all Stepford Wives Style and waved. 

Me: Hey guys! How's it going???

They just sort of stared, open mouthed, then retreated in to the safety of their home. On Sunday they came over to let us know they'd be out of town and could we watch their house. When I opened the door, I was sipping a margarita. It was 3 o'clock. On a Sunday. 

I'm pretty convinced they think I'm just a booze hound husband abuser at this point.  

The Countdown Begins: 11 months!

As I type this, I keep glancing up at the calendar and thinking, "WOW, has it really been 11 months since we welcomed Olivia into our family???" And, yes, it has been and in just 4 & 1/2 weeks, we'll be celebrating 1 year with our miniature Godzilla. I am just amazed at how far we've come.

This past month has been filled with so much movement and excitement. As you've seen by now, The Boss Lady has started walking and she is looking so much like a little toddler these days. This morning, Mike and I stood at the back of the church with her (our new "seats" since she refuses to sit still in a pew these days) and watched her stumble up and down the walkways. I think I could watch her movements all day long. I do find that sometimes I just sit and watch her discover her world.

She has commandeered this mini-purse that I had in my closet and Mike's old cell phone. She walks around the house clutching these as if she's imitating the things she sees us do each day. She's learned to really steer her walker and when she wants to go play in another room she just gets up and waddles away. Often, I'll find her in her room flipping through (and attempting to eat) her books.

No place or thing is off limits in her eyes. This morning as I was using the restroom, she stood at the doors to the bathroom banging and screaming until Mike came and got her and yesterday she banged on the glass shower doors until I got out. She had me cracking up though because she kept smushing her face up against the glass and then cracking up hysterically when I did it too.

This tiny person who is now running around the house like she owns the place is truly an amazing little girl.

As I make birthday party preparations for her big celebration, I know that this is a bittersweet moment. When I think that my sweet baby is about to be a year old, my heart flutters a little and I feel butterflies in my stomach. I am excited about this growth and all that this last month of the first year will bring. I just cannot get over that the once-upon-a-time little baby who slept on my chest, is now too tall to do so. Olivia is growing so fast and she is truly one incredible kid.

Happy 11 month birthday to the one and only amazing Boss Lady!

Waiting for dad at his tri-athlon.

Getting ready to watch her first 3D movie at Legoland.

She did not know what to think of these huge legos!

Who actually gets IN the fridge to get something to eat??

Checking out the floats at her first 4th of July parade.

11 months today!





The Baby Shower

The past 2 weekends, I've been spending my Saturday afternoons attending the baby showers of family and friends and it's made me a little nostalgic about my own baby shower. As I watched these women open packages filled with oh-so-cute-and-tiny baby things I've been flooded by emotion. My baby shower was almost exactly a year ago (July 17, 2010) but I remember things like it was last weekend.

It was truly an AMAZING celebration hosted by my sister, Michelle, and my very good friend, Courtney. I think there were like 30 people there and it took me over an hour to open up all of the gifts. Afterward, I was so overwhelmed by what an amazing job Michelle and Courtney had done and especially by how generous everyone was. At my friend Katie's shower last Saturday, she made the comment that she had been really thankful and overwhelmed at everyone's generosity and excitement as well. It truly is incredible how excited people get about a new baby.

This welcoming of a new life is so incredible. It's full of excitement, love, promise. It's so fun to watch the mom-to-be coo over contraptions she doesn't yet understand and clothes that she can't yet imagine her little angel even fitting into.

I remember that. I remember opening each gift with this insane excitement. I remember looking at all of our loot and thinking "Will I really use all of this stuff?" And though I'm a very practical person and I tend to give gift cards at baby showers, I have to say that the clothes have got to be the best part. I could not get enough of opening up boxes filled with tiny, frilly dresses and pink onesies. As usually happens, I got an assortment of sizes and I remember looking at the tags of the 6-9 month clothing and being convinced that it would be FOREVER before my sweet girl would even fit into those things.

For me, the baby shower was sort of the last celebration before welcoming our girl into this world. But after the shower I still had about 6 more weeks until it was time for my daughter to make her big debut and I thought that day would NEVER get here.

I spent that time unpacking one baby contraption after the other. I washed bottles and countless loads of laundry. I organized dresser drawers and filled baskets with sheets, burp cloths, and blankets. Slowly, our house filled with new furniture--a pack & play in the bedroom, a crib in the once-upon-a-time craft room, a swing in front of the fire place, and a monstrous jumper in the dining room. I tested out my glider. I lined up books on her book shelf, imagining myself reading to her before bed. I shopped frantically for last minute essentials.

And then I waited. And waited. And waited. Or so it felt. I was convinced that the big day was never going to get here!

Then she was here. She was here and all of those contraptions and clothes and all of my preparations didn't prepare me for the amount of love in my heart. And it didn't prepare me for how fast things would go by.

Last week, we packed up the swing and the jumper. I remember counting down the days until Oli was big enough to fit into that jumper. Today, I cleaned out her closet and packed up those 6-9 month size clothes that I thought she'd never be big enough to fit into. As I packed up clothes, The Boss Lady, pulled her books from her shelves to "read" (of course reading to her right now means chewing on the books).

I sat down to read some of them to her. We read Dr. Seuss's ABC's, we read one of her Olivia books, and I tried to read a book my sister, Carly, got me called "On the Night You Were Born." When I opened that one, I saw her message written on the inside front cover. The book was a shower gift and at the time of the shower we weren't telling anyone Olivia's name. Everyone called her Mini at that time. The message was addressed to Mini Milligan and my heart skipped a beat. I started to read and had to stop twice because I kept getting choked up. I finished the book, tears streaming down my face. Afterward, I snuggled up to my sweet girl and kissed her cheek. She firmly pushed my tear soaked face away and took another bite out of Pat the Bunny.

That sweet, small baby that I thought would NEVER get here just one year ago, has already come and gone. She's been replaced by a walking, babbling, sweet toddler who has a mind of her own and doesn't want mom getting in the way of her afternoon book snack.

I am in awe by how fast a year has gone by. This weekend will be Olivia's 11 month birthday and I am in a little bit of denial that we are closing in on a year.

Everyone says it goes by fast and I get that now. It goes by FAST. One day you are rubbing your big, swollen belly, pushing a small foot out of your rib cage and wondering who your baby will look the most like. The next, you are watching her walk down the hallway, dragging a toy, babbling away, and thinking "Who IS this kid???"

This time is so bittersweet right now. I love who Olivia is an is becoming. I love seeing her personality emerge and I love that she is becoming her own little person. But I wish I could slow time just a little.

I find that I feel a little bit envious of my friends and family who are preparing for the birth of their children. I feel so incredibly excited for them too. Motherhood is the most incredible ass kicking you will ever receive and I love being a part of the welcoming committee for others now that I've been through it.

Of course, that envy only goes so far. See, my kiddo is tucked in bed and probably won't wake up until about 7 or 7:30 tomorrow morning. In the meantime, I'm enjoying a glass of wine. Those women who are awaiting the birth of their angels? Well, in about a month, they'll be trying to console a screaming newborn, looking around at all of their baby contraptions wondering which one will help, staring at their husbands and asking "Okay, now WHY did we do this??"

Here's the thing though, ladies: try to enjoy EVERY minute because it does go by SO FAST. In the meantime, I'll raise a glass to you as you embark on the most challenging, most incredible adventure of your lives. 

Me with some of the ladies at my shower. This wasn't even everyone! It was so incredible!

Let freedom ring!

Oh my goodness, it's been a while since my last post! We had something pretty monumental happen here and it's kept us busy since! Yes, ladies and gents, The Boss Lady has started walking! I knew this milestone would be a fun one but I had no idea that we would get such a kick out of watching our girl stumble all over the place like a tiny little drunk.

Olivia took her first steps on the 4th of July. I find it very fitting that as we celebrated the independence of our country, my sweet girl took her first steps towards her own independence. I'm especially grateful that Mike and I both got to witness this at the same time and that some of our family got to be a part of it too.

We spent the 4th with Mike's family this year and we had an absolute blast! Mike's mom has one brother and he and his wife live just outside of Oklahoma City so we headed up there for their annual celebration. We haven't done a ton of family get togethers with this side of Mike's family so we were really excited to be able to spend some time with them. Mike's cousins were all there with their spouses and kiddos, my MIL flew in for the occasion, and my bro- and sis-in-law drove up as well.

Mike's aunt, uncle, and cousins thought of everything! They had goodie baskets for everyone which included hand held fans, snacks, water, and toys for the kids. There was more food than any of us could eat. They made homeade ice cream and homeade root beer. They got up at 5 a.m. to secure good spots for the parade and we got to see a truly amazing fireworks show. It was an incredible celebration!

Normally for the 4th, I only have 2 requirements: a hot dog (my first favorite food, tied with birthday cake) and fireworks. July 4th is top 3 in my favorite holidays, preceded by #1 Thanksgiving (because it's a great time to reflect on all you have to be thankful for and to eat until you nearly puke) and #2 Halloween (because it's a great excuse to act silly and eat so much candy that you nearly puke). And, until this year, the 4th was my 3rd favorite because it was an excuse to watch a really cool fireworks show and eat hamburgers and hot dogs until you nearly puke. Yeah, no wonder I've always struggled with my weight...

Now, I'm not saying that I haven't appreciated the reason the 4th is celebrated. I totally get that the indepedence of the U.S. is a big deal and I have the utmost respect for the people that serve this country. It's just that I never really thought about what a really, really BIG DEAL it all is. Like most Americans, I think I've just taken being an American for granted.

This year though, my perspective was different. I'm not sure if it's because I now have a little person of my own to protect and whom I want to be able to live in a great country, free from the craziness that so many others in the world deal with on a daily basis or maybe I'm just getting more mature (Hey, it had to happen some day!). Either way, as we watched the 4th of July parade, as I saw some of our men and women who serve our country cruise by on the parade floats, and as I heard the music that pays homage to our country, I got teared up.

I looked around at my family and I just thought "We are SO fortunate." Here we were, at this wonderful parade (my first EVER 4th of July parade by the way!), enjoying the early morning, not worried about anything except how we were going to fit homeade ice cream, homeade root beer, AND Aunt Helen's famous dump cake in our bellies all at the same time. We weren't worried about bombs going off in our streets. We weren't worried about our children dying of starvation. We weren't worried about whether or not the water we were drinking was clean or whether our electricity would work when we headed back to the house to cool down.

I don't usually get on a patriotic rant. I don't have bumper stickers on my car about supporting our troops. I don't march in rallies for the political party I support. But I am so very, very proud to be an American. And I am so incredibly grateful for all of the men and women who serve this country to make it possible for me and my family to sit at a 4th of July parade and watch fireworks that night and to go to bed at night with only thoughts of how amazing the day was.

So, you know what my new favorite thing about the 4th is? It's that I get to celebrate and say thank you to all of those who have made and do make the freedom of my family possible. It's that we all take a moment to thank those who are giving their lives and their time with their families so that I can peacefully spend time with mine.

Lately there seems to be so much tension in our country and the 2012 election is already stressing me out. News reporters and commentators are always so argumentative and people say the most ugly things about each other. But that's the beauty of this country. We CAN disagree. We CAN say whatever we want about whomever we want.

But maybe on this one day, on the 4th of July, maybe we can just say THANK YOU. Regardless of which political party you support, regardless of whether or not you feel that war is just, regardless of whether or not you believe we should have troops deployed anywhere. The fact is, we have people serving us all over this world so that we can be here, spouting our political opinions all over the tv, internet, and radio. We have people serving us so that we can be at parades and watch fireworks and eat until we can't anymore.

When I think of all of the people I personally know who have helped and do help make my freedom here possible, I realize that this post is more than just 2 weeks late. It's about 30 years late. I owe all of you thanks for the 30 amazing years I've been able to spend here.

So, THANK YOU to everyone who has served and is out there serving this amazing, amazing country. Thank you for your time, your dedication, your belief that we are something worth serving for. Thank you for allowing me to spend time laughing and clapping as my daughter took her first steps on the birthday of our nation. Thank you to your families for believing as well and for sacrificing their own desires.

And thank you to Aunt Helen and Uncle Tom for opening up your home to us this 4th of July. Thank you for feeding us until we nearly popped! We hope we get invited again next year!

Our first 4th of July parade!