Well, last weekend we took our first road trip with The Boss Lady!!! We went to Louisiana for my cousin Megan's wedding and stayed in the French Quarter so Olivia got her first taste of The Big Easy! And like any good parents, we took her to Bourbon Street!
She also got to meet all of my dad's family for the first time! We loved being able to introduce her to all of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and my grandparents. We hope this trip was just the beginning of her forming great relationships with all of them!
Amazingly, the trip went very, very well. We weren't sure what to expect so we were ready for chaos. BUT, our angel surprised us by being very good on the trip there and back and handling all of the excitement fairly well.
Now, I'm not saying it was EASY, it just wasn't horrible! Of course, any time you travel with a child, it's always an ordeal! Our car was packed to the roof and everywhere we went was a juggling act (baby, camera, diaper bag, purse, stroller, etc.).
We did have one hiccup when we missed the wedding ceremony. Yep, we are THOSE PEOPLE. It was 100% unintentional and I will never stop feeling terrible about it. But, in all fairness, we had a 6 week old who decided to have a meltdown shortly before. Luckily, we got to enjoy the very beautiful reception!
Even though the trip was a little circus-like I'm glad we did it. We've been to Louisiana twice this year and that's more than I've been in the past 5 years. I don't make it there much any more and I'd like to change that. I think that subconciously I've avoided going there for one simple reason: being there makes me realize my dad's absence even more. I didn't quite realize it until this trip though.
I don't talk about my dad very much and I'm not entirely sure why. Sometimes I'm even uncomfortable talking about him. In fact, my sister and I call each other each year on the anniversary of his death (Feb 2) but we usually don't talk about it. We'll talk about what we did that day or what we are going to do the coming weekend but we don't talk about our dad.
I think maybe the reason is that talking about him makes it so much more real. Talking about him like he's gone means that he actually IS gone.
He died 12 years ago and since his death, seeing his side of the family is hard for me. I see him so much in all of my aunts and uncles. I see his silliness in my uncle Mike, his tenderness in my aunt Helen, his sense of fun in my aunt Kathy & aunt Sharon, and my uncle T-bone (Yep, T-bone. We ARE from Louisiana after all.) has his mannerisms and outgoing personality. His memory is everywhere.
This trip was especially hard for me because I wanted him to be there at that wedding. I wanted to see him toting his granddaughter around in his arms and dancing like a crazy man on the dance floor. I wanted him to be able to hold The Boss Lady and sing the same crazy songs to her that he used to sing to us.
My dad was this amazing, incredible man. He was silly and kind and there wasn't a person who met him who didn't like him. At family functions, he was always out playing baseball or football right along with us kids. He would watch cartoons with us and make us pancakes in the shape of the letters of our names. I thought he was the most talented Pancake Maker in the whole world. And he would sing these crazy songs and when we would tell him how crazy they were, he would say "That's a real song, I promise!" Years after he died, I started hearing many of those songs and, yep, they are real songs!
He fought a long and hard battle with colon cancer and he never let us see just how big a toll it took on him. He was still silly and funny and loving with us during it all. He hid it so well that I was always convinced he was going to get better. In fact, during his last hospital visit when he died, I wasn't even aware that he was that sick. I thought it was just a routine stay in the hospital for a person with cancer. Every prayer or wish I made was for him to be healed. After his death, it would be many years before I prayed again.
Now that I'm a parent, I miss him even more. I wish he was here to meet the little girl who finally put his bossy, oldest daughter in her place. I wish he was here to tell me what he felt like when I was a baby. I feel sad that Oli won't know him the way I got to. She won't get to build sandcastles with him like I did. She won't be able to go hiking through the woods with him like I did. And she won't be able to have a pancake made by him in the shape of the letter "O."
And, yes, I do believe in Heaven and that he is in a better place. But sometimes, I just wish he could be in this place with me.
I miss him every day and I wish he was here.
I am determined that Olivia will get to know him as much as possible though. I'll share stories with her as often as I can. I'll show her pictures of her grandpa Bill and I'll try my best to convey his spirit and love of life to her. We'll visit Louisiana as often as we can and she can get to know him through my family. And I'll make her pancakes in the shape of her intials and maybe, just maybe, they'll be as good as his.
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